Weeks like this don't come along every month. A week when we can all forget about all the humdrum in our lives and just cut loose. A week when you give your children $10 and a bike lock, and tell them to stay out of trouble. A week when there's a 3% chance you end up a millionaire, and a 2% chance you end up married. I'm speaking, of course, of the rare occurrence this year, when three of the greatest holidays happen on consecutive days.
- Monday, 2/20 - Presidents' Day
- Tuesday, 2/21 - Mardi Gras
- Wednesday, 2/22 - Takimoto's birthday
IT'S GOIN' DOWN YA'LL!
The Tako Tuesdays Top 5 - US Presidents
1. William Howard Taft - The only President to ever also serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, it took campaigning against Woodrow Wilson AND Teddy Roosevelt's "Bull Moose" party to unseat him. He also invented the seventh inning stretch and the ceremonial first pitch at baseball games, and was the last President to sport a moustache. And not just any moustache. This moustache. It's almost too much win for one man. Good thing Taft spent his time in office weighing as much as 340 pounds.
2. James K. Polk - Is there a more American president than Polk? His one concern once elected was simple: buy up as much land as possible. One of his major purchases? The Oregon territory, from the British. Therefore, without James K. Polk, the Ducks do not win the Rose Bowl. Instead, the University of Oregon would be the fastest cricket team south of the 49th Parallel. And that's a world I'm not interested in living in.
3. George Washington - War hero. Elected unanimously. Set the precedent for everything a President does. He brewed his own beer. Plus, he's born on February 22nd. And only stone-cold foxes are born on February 22nd. What? I'm talking about "Tallest Man of All Time" Robert Wadlow, The Crocodile Hunter, and 1989 French Open champion Michael Chang. That's a sexy-ass crew right there.
4. Abraham Lincoln - Without Lincoln, socially awkward high schoolers who are bad at math would have nothing left to live for. But, thankfully, Lincoln-Douglas debates exist, allowing skinny boys with braces a chance to solicit handjobs from skinny girls with braces underneath a jacket on a coach bus. I have no experience in this tactic whatsoever. Swearsies.
Oh, and he has that whole, won the Civil War and emancipated the slaves, thing. That's cool too.
5. Theodore Roosevelt - Roosevelt was a staunch environmentalist, and a gun lover and hunting enthusiast. His motto was, "Speak softly, and carry a big stick." He was the first President to regularly ride in an automobile. If he were around today, he would no doubt have the greatest cable news show on television. But the clincher? On the campaign trail for re-election in 1912, he was shot in the chest by a man named John Flamming Schrank. The bullet went through Roosevelt's eyeglasses case, through the 50-page copy of Roosevelt's speech, and lodged in his chest. Roosevelt, instead of seeking medical attention, gave the 90 minute speech. That bullet remained in his chest until his death in 1919. If THAT were to happen today, to any candidate, they would be elected in the biggest landslide since Eisenhower-Stevenson 1952.
The Tako Tuesdays Mardi Gras Responsible Drinking Checklist
- Drink stuff you wouldn't normally drink - It's a holiday; holidays are when drinkers get in the spirit by stepping away from their norms. Christmastime, it's eggnog (or, in my holiday party's case, brandy and Horchata. Don't ask.); St. Patty's Day, it's Jameson, Guinness, Bailey's, and cheap green beer. On Fat Tuesday, the drinks of choice are: Hurricanes (rum, juice, bitters, 151 if you're feeling daring, ice and a blender), the Ramos Gin Fizz (gin, juice, cream, and an egg white for froth), and Sazerac (rye, bitters, simple syrup, and absinthe - yeesh), among others.
- Consider the history - Mardi Gras began as in incorporation of Pagan revelry into the previously mild Christian pre-Lent naughtiness. There's feasting, masks, parades, brass bands. And this has college sports implications as well. According to legend, when deciding its school colors, Louisiana State University found local stores stocked with an abundance of purple, green, and gold cloth for the upcoming holiday. LSU decided on purple and gold as their school colors. Tulane University took green.
- Don't show your boobs for beads - Come on ladies. You're better than that. Just find a man, make him sit through some dumb story about your cats as a test of his stamina and desire to succeed, and take him home. Like an adult does it.