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Tako Tuesdays Goes Hollywood

Darron Thomas, Josh Huff, and Carson York walk the red carpet after accepting their award for "Best Trojan Beatdown" in 2010.
Darron Thomas, Josh Huff, and Carson York walk the red carpet after accepting their award for "Best Trojan Beatdown" in 2010.

In case you missed last week's Tuesday Thursday Night Talks, Matt Daddy and I spent a considerable amount of time talking about movies, and we revealed a number of things about ourselves: Matt has kids and I don't, I'm a giant geek and he isn't, and I like Nicolas Cage far more than a healthy adult should. Other, far more damaging things were revealed, but you'll have to listen and find out.

But the movie discussion got me thinking: if the teams of the Pac-12, in it's current state, were movies, which film would they be?

USC - Avatar Long-awaited entries after an extended hiatus (James Cameron from directing, USC from being allowed to attend bowl games), they have parts that are groundbreaking and unparalleled (visual effects, Robert Woods and Marqise Lee, 3-D technology, Matt Barkley's chin), while other parts that are cliche and spotty (stealing the plot from Pocahontas, depth on defense and Lane Kiffin as an in-game coach). Both cost ridiculous amounts of money, both own more screen time than anything else out there, and both will end up looking less and less good with time.

Colorado - The Godfather, Part III A once proud and historically significant franchise, reduced to hours of long-winded and barely-watchable nonsense. Playing the role of Mary Corleone is the Buffalo running game, they of the 3.5 yards per carry and 10 touchdowns in 2011.

Cal - The Money Pit The upgrades to Memorial Stadium may not be finished by Cal's home opener against Nevada, though it will, as of now, have a playable field, seats for every ticket holder, and some sort of place for people to pee. Hopefully, bathtubs will not be falling through the press box floor.

Oregon - The Dark Knight Rises Both the Batman franchise and the Oregon football program have had similar rises to dominance: bursting onto the scene with an entertaining and outlandish product (Batman, the Joey era), regressing into inconsistency (Batman Returns and Batman Forever, Jason Fife/the 2006 Vegas Bowl/Cody Kempt vs. UCLA), an embarrassing moment (Batman & Robin, the Falcon Punch), a return to prominence (Batman Begins, The '10 Rose Bowl), and finally to the height of cinematic badassery (The Dark Knight, a national championship appearance and a Rose Bowl victory). But what lies ahead? Can Bane replace the terror and grandioseness of The Joker, and can Bennett, Mariota, Barner, and DAT replace Darron Thomas and LaMichael James? All I know is, I'm buying tickets to both.

Arizona - Bad Boys Besides alluding to the Wildcats' offseason troubles, this movie represents the Arizona program because it looks forward. At the time, Martin Lawrence and Will Smith were two up-and-comers trying to parlay their individual sitcom success with Martin and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, respectively, into big-budget box office success, and Michael Bay was a music video director: Bay went on to direct The Rock, Armegeddon, and the Transformers trilogy, Smith became a megastar with Independence Day, Men in Black, and I Am Legend, and Lawrence went on to make Blue Streak (one of my favorite bad action movies), Black Knight, and the Big Momma's House series. While next year for the Wildcats may be an uneven mess filled with equal parts offensive fireworks and defensive ineptitude, with Rich Rodriguez at the helm, look out for more in the years to come.

Washington State - Stripes An outspoken and quotable smart-ass leads a ragtag bunch of misfits to victory. Well, not victory. He leads a ragtag bunch of misfits to "not fucking up too bad". Sounds exactly like the 2012 WSU Cougars. And there's a definite chance the Cougs accidentally end up in Czechoslovakia because of something Mike Leach does.

UCLA - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Undoubtedly a piece of crap, but you're compelled to watch because of the history.

washington - Child's Play On the surface, "ginger children's toy possessed by serial killer ghost" sounds frightening. But then you remember that it's just a doll, and your normal-sized human legs can run way faster than a doll can. Likewise, the moves the huskies have made are taking the program in a direction that may frighten many Duck fans. But you just have to remember: our team is faster.

Stanford - Speed II: Cruise Control Still, it'll be entertaining, and there are still some recognizable faces. On paper, it looks like it could be as good as the original. But without its star to carry it, more of its holes will be exposed. And it has the potential to get ugly, fast.

Arizona State - Nanny McPhee Todd Graham: when you need him, but do not want him, he stays. When you want him, but do not need him, he must go. Or, more accurately, whenever the hell he feels like it, and probably after a year or two, he must go.

Utah - Little Miss Sunshine The Utes are, without a doubt, the indie darlings of the Pac-12. They're sneaky good, fun to watch, and little thought about. They aren't at a level yet where they can make a run at a conference championship, but they will hold their own against anybody.

Oregon State - Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows Takes place in the middle of nowhere, featuring people you've never heard of, and it's going to suck.