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Tako Tuesdays: Butch T. Cougar Runs Errands

Get inside the head of the Pac-12's mascot wildcard, so enigmatic even he doesn't know what he's thinking.


This is Butch T. Cougar


Butch T. Cougar is a college mascot. He doesn't speak. He just claps his hands, hangs out with cheerleaders, rides an ATV, and makes videos like THIS, or THIS. You know, mascot stuff. But one thing can be inferred just from his general aura: Butch T. Cougar has a fascinating internal monologue. One is predisposed to such when they can't speak, read, write, or otherwise communicate with others beyond nods and crude hand gestures. Let's take a journey inside his mind as he gets some stuff done on his day off from athletically supporting.


- Okayokayokayokayokay. Stuff to do today, lotsa stuff, important stuff. What's in toothpaste? Is it made out of like, old teeth that people don't need anymore, and the old teeth replenish your teeth? Man, the Tooth Fairy must turn a crazy profit selling all those teeth to the toothpaste companies.

- Damnit! I definitely need a "PULL" sign for this door, because I am sick of smashing into it every day.



- Okay, first stop: the dry cleaners. I've got to pick up my road jersey for the trip to Eugene. How does dry cleaning work? Is it like the hand dryers in the bathroom? But you have to get your hands wet first. So that isn't it. Do they just throw sand at the clothes? Sand's dry.

- This doesn't look like the dry cleaners. I mean, there's fabric everywhere, but none of it is clothes yet. Was I supposed to take a left leaving the house or a right? And who is Joann? Whoever she is, she's gotta get busy making clothes, because nothing is done in here.

- Okay Butch. You might be lost. Let's backtrack. I left my house. I turned left at the sidewalk. I walked past that blue R2-D2 trashcan that eats people's letters. I said hi to the nice lady in the brown shorts that spends the day driving around and giving people presents. She's really nice. I think she might be Santa. Then I...what did I do then? I know I got really interested in that balloon stuck on the telephone wire for a while. And I know I found that free snack in the park today. I mean, who leaves perfectly good bread on the ground like that? I had to fight those birds off, but I'm way bigger and stronger than they are.

- Maybe those guys will know where my dry cleaners are. They're all wearing blue, they must be in a band or something. Hey guys! Hey! Well sure, I have a wallet, you wanna see? Hey, where are you going? You've got my wallet! Man, that band was rude! They didn't even say goodbye!

- If cavemen had Photoshop, would they still have painted on walls? I bet they would have. Painting on walls is fun. I bet Banksy is a caveman.

- Man, I could go for a Bloomin' Onion right about now. I haven't had a Bloomin' Onion is like, at least a day and a half.

- Still need to figure out how to get to the cleaners. Or back home. Or anywhere that isn't this box. Cuz right now all I see is some buttons with numbers, and metal doors. Maybe if I push one, it'll get me somewhere. I'm picking up one jersey and one pair of pants, so I'll push...two.

- I'm getting closer. There's clothes everywhere in here. But no jerseys. Just lady shirts, and those frilly slingshots they wear on their chests, I assume just in case they get in a jam and need to fight their way out of it. I'm on the right track. Gotta keep moving. Might have to grab one of those frilly slingshots, in case I run into that Blue Man Group again.

- Keeping plants in your house is weird.




- Man, this is turning into a great day! Just gotta cross this street...

- Hospitals are funny. You take an ambulance here, and they just drop you off. How do they expect you to get home, especially with two broken legs! I don't even know how to handstand! Do hospitals serve Bloomin' Onions? They should serve Bloomin' Onions. I'm sure onions have magical healing powers. That's what makes them so delicious!


- Do you have to wear a beard to sleep on the street? Sometimes I get tired when I'm out walking around, but I'm afraid if I take a nap, I'll get in trouble. Though what's the punishment for sleeping on the street? Do they make you sleep in a bed? That punishment sounds awesome, unless you hate beds. I wonder what sleeping on hedgehogs would feel like. Pokey, I'd bet.

- Okay, now where is my front gate? I shouldn't have painted this whole things white, I can't tell anything apart from anything. I should've painted the gate red or something. I really have to pee, there's no time to walk all the way around the house to find the gate. I suppose I could jump it...



- Aw man, now I've gotta go to the hardware store. Now I know I walk towards that prison where the regular-sized people leave tiny people to scream all day. But then is it left, or right...?