Tako Tuesdays: Swoop's Ultimatum

TURN BACK NOW

By Matt Takimoto@takimoto23x Nov 12, 2013, 9:00am PST

GREETING MORTALS!

IT IS I, SWOOP, BENEVOLENT BEAVER-BIRD DEITY OF THE BEEHIVE STATE AND EXTREME SPORTS ENTHUSIAST. I COME BEARING A GIFT FOR YOUR FELLOW FEATHERED WALKING GOD, THE DUCK. IT IS A NEST I BUILT FROM STAR LOTULELEI'S OLD JOCKSTRAPS. ROOM IS AMPLE. I COME BEFORE YOU TODAY TO DELIVER THIS MESSAGE: DO NOT EVEN TRY AND PLAY THE UTAH UTES IN FOOTBALL THIS SATURDAY. IT WILL NOT END WELL FOR YOU.

I SEE THAT LAST THURSDAY YOU PLAYED STANFORD. UTAH PLAYED STANFORD A NUMBER OF WEEKS AGO. UTAH DISPATCHED THE CARDINAL WITH VIGOR. YOUR DUCKS DID NOT. THIS IS MATH SIMPLE ENOUGH FOR MERE MORTAL HUMANPEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND

AT QUARTERBACK, WE HAVE TRAVIS WILSON, A 6 FOOT 6 ADONIS WITH A CANNON ARM AND JETFUEL LEGS. HE HAS THROWN FOR OVER 230 YARDS IN SIX GAMES THIS YEAR, BUT HE IS NOT A SELFISH MAN. MUCH LIKE OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ALEX SMITH, HE IS A MAN OF THE PEOPLE. WHEN THERE IS A MAN IN NEED OF A FOOTBALL, TRAVIS WILSON IS MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE HIM WITH ONE, EVEN IF THAT MAN DOES NOT PLAY FOR UTAH. HE DOES NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR JERSEY, UNLIKE YOUR TROPICAL OBSTRUCTIONIST MARCUS MARIOTA. HIS SELF-CENTERED WAYS HAVE BEEN PROVEN UNWORTHY IN THE EYES OF SWOOP, AND I SHALL SMITE HIM WITH MY HEATHEN SOUL STARE.

DO YOU FEEL MY WRATH, MARCUS?

DO YOU??!?!?!?!?

SEE THAT YOUR LESSON IS LEARNED BEFORE OUR NEXT MEETING.

YOUR PUNY MOSQUITO OF A MAN CALLED DE'ANTHONY THOMAS IS QUITE A FIGURE. PETTY ENAMORMENT WITH PRIME RIBS AND PINEAPPLE AND IGUANAS WILL GET A MAN FAR IN LIFE. IT WILL NOT GET A MAN THOUGH FORTY GIANT PACIFIC ISLANDERS IN HELMETS AND RED PANTS. AND THAT IS THE FATE THAT WILL BE AWAITING YOUNG DE'ANTHONY WHEN HE RECEIVES THE BALL ON SATURDAY. I WOULD THINK IT SAFER TO JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE STADIUM ALTOGETHER, AND PERHAPS SPEND THE DAY FISHING, AS THE CHARISMATIC YOUNGSTER IS WONT TO DO. TO GAZE UPON A REAL OFFENSIVE TALENT WOULD MEAN FEASTING ALL SENSES UPON DRES ANDERSON, HE OF NFL PEDIGREE AND FIVE 100 YARD RECEIVING GAMES THIS SEASON. ANDERSON WILL MAKE SHORT ORDER OF YOUR RIDICULOUSLY DOUBLE-FIRST-NAMED TERRANCE MITCHELL.

I COULD NOT HELP BUT NOTICE THE DUCKS ON THURSDAY, SHUNNING A 21 YARD FIELD GOAL AND THE LEAD IN FAVOR OF AN ULTIMATELY-FAILED FOURTH DOWN ATTEMPT? HAVE YOU SO LITTLE FAITH IN YOUR HUMAN PLACEKICKER ALEJANDRO MALDONADO? OUR HUMAN PLACEKICKER ANDY PHILLIPS HAS MADE FIFTEEN FIELD GOALS THIS SEASON, AND MISSED ONLY THREE. BOW IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS.

YOU MAY LOOK AT MY TEAM'S 4-5 RECORD AND SCOFF. BUT KNOW THIS: WERE THERE TEN EXTRA POINTS IN THE RIGHT PLACE, THIS TEAM WOULD BE 7-2. AND THE UTES HAVE NOT LOST A GAME BY MORE THAN 16 POINTS THIS SEASON, PUTTING THEM AHEAD OF WOEFUL TEAMS LIKE CLEMSON, OKLAHOMA, AND LSU. MARK MY WORDS, INSIGNIFICANT DUCK FANS, THE RISE OF THE UTE IS UPON YOU! THE CHOICE IS YOURS: LEAVE NOW, ABANDONING ALL FANDOM FOR THE SAFETY OF UTEHOOD, OR STAND AGAINST THIS JUGGERNAUT, AND LEARN THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN. WE RIDE!