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Ruby Tuesdays: The Advice Column

Buckle up, Kids

You let him write what?
You let him write what?
Rich Schultz

Editor's Note: I am, in fact, in Vegas. Thanks to Will for writing this week's column, even though he isn't aware that the Mohegan Sun is in Connecticut, you don't pay for drinks when you're at a table, and I only drink whiskey while gambling. Other than that, nailed it. -Tako

Tako is in Vegas this week, probably slumped over in front of a craps table in the Mohegan Sun right now, wondering why he just paid the nice waiter $15 for a Diet Coke and Rum at 8:30 in the morning. Therefore, this is not a Tako Tuesday.

Welcome to Ruby Tuesday.

Many of you don't know this, but my idol in this world is Pauline Phillips, otherwise known as Dear Abby. My dream is to be the sports version of Dear Abby, and recently I reached out to some players in the athletic world so that I could practice my craft. Names have obviously been protected for the person's sake.


Dear Grasshopper:

I'm a high profile football coach in one of the premier football conferences. I've been referred to as the Savior of Seattle and the Maven of Montlake, but despite my best efforts – understand that I took over a team that went WIN-LESS in 2008 – I still don't get a shred of respect around here. In fact, I've been ruthlessly bullied ever since I came to town

This group of bandits makes a yearly pilgrimage to my house and completely trashes it every time. Each time they visit, they raise indescribable amounts of hell. One of them, I think his name is Ken, spends the entire day making jokes about how he's going to score with my wife. It got so bad that my neighbors gave me an ultimatum to get rid of them or there would be consequences. I failed, and my house was demolished to the ground. I'm out of ideas, can you help me?

-- Demoralized Dawg

Dear, DD:

I honestly don't know what to tell you. Have you tried giving them gifts or bribing them to stop harassing you? It sounds like they're in your head, and even though toppling them has become the main goal in your life, you still fall short every year. Is it possible that someone before you angered this group of individuals so much that maybe their treatment of you is justified revenge? Maybe you should just let Kenny score, would it be the worst thing? It might end all your sorrows, or it may not. Best of luck, sir.

Dear Grasshopper:

I've been in a stable business partnership with a successful, well-to-do Bay Area man, we'll call him "Miguel", for the past few years. We've built a burgeoning organization to the cusp of becoming a major player in our craft, but recently, things have become heated between us. We've managed to to keep our arguments under wraps for awhile, but recently things came to a head in a very public forum.

We were in the midst of a heated performance and I was admittedly not on my A-game that day. Miguel had had enough of my unsatisfactory performance, and after jawing at me for a few seconds, proceed to assault me in full view of the assembled shareholders. This was incredibly embarrassing, and even though he apologized publicly, I'm worried I'll never be able to trust again. What should I do?

-- Battered by the Bay

Dear Battered:

I would recommend you cease production in whatever discipline you're in immediately. Seriously, stop right now. The longer you continue to proceed on without taking time off to find yourself and potentially find a new career, the more you'll continue to harm not only yourself but others around you.

That being said, I don't think there's been much media attention given to the episode recently, so maybe you're in the clear in terms of lasting damage. In fact, it certainly seemed to spark a great deal of production on your end, not only in the that meeting but the weeks following it. Maybe being roughed up a bit is something that sparks you, flips a switch inside you. Maybe you take that kind of attitude to the bedroom? Just spit-balling here.

Dear Grasshopper:

I took over a middling basketball program with flashes of history here and there, but it had a long way to go before becoming a national contender. When I first got there, I was motivated beyond belief to turn the place around, but soon after I took the job, a close relative of mine became one of the most powerful women in the country, and I had much more appealing things to do than coach a perennial pit of mediocrity.

Before long, I completely gave up on making my team any more than a perennial sleeper pick that never pans out. I've gotten decent players in here, sure, but why spend time crafting a winner when I can jet to Washington on the weekends and put bananas in all the ambassadors' tailpipes? Besides, I bring enough good exposure to my bosses that they rewarded my middling performance with a contract extension! Should I feel sheepish about any of this?

-- Hip Hip, Hooray!

Dear Triple H,

Why on earth would you feel bad about that? You got a raise for a performance that few find equitable with your rate of success! Because of the position you indicate your relative is in, you're basically untouchable. Might as well milk it for all it's worth. Have you met "Demoralized Dawg"? Maybe you could give him some advice on framing what should be a hot seat into a hot pile of cash.

Side note, do you drive a Dodge? You seem like a Ram Tough kind of guy.


Do you have any words of advice for our advice seekers, or know someone who could use a helping hand?

Until next time: