Tako Tuesdays: Helfy and the Chip

If you aren't familiar with the 90s Warner Bros. cartoon program Pinky and the Brain, take three minutes, watch some of this episode, or this episode, or any episode really. Better yet, watch all of them. Because as entertaining as this may be on its own, it'll be far better to imagine Chip Kelly speaking like Orson Welles to a high-pitched, Cockney, Mark Helfrich.

APRIL 30, 2009

Reporters file out of the MOSHOFSKY CENTER, door closes behind them.

CHIP
Well Helfy, you've finally arrived here in Eugene!

HELFY
Yes I have! And what a trip it was! To think, it was just last week I was playing tic-tac-toe in Dan Hawkins' office.

CHIP
Is he any good?

HELFY
Well I dunno Chip. He had me just play against myself on paper, and then he'd take all my old, finished games and go show them to the guys in helmets outside. Then they'd run around every which way!

CHIP
Hmm. I guess that explains the 13-24 record. No matter, I didn't bring you here to play tic-tac-toe.

HELFY
Whew, that's a relief! I was tired of losing.

CHIP
Please Helfy, we have more important matters to discuss! Now that I am Oregon's head coach, I finally have the ability set in motion my master plan!

CHIP flips over white board, revealing a map of the Pacific Northwest.

CHIP
When I arrived here two years ago, this place was an absolute mess. Oregon was losing to Washington State, the helmets had flames on them, and Brady Leaf was starting at quarterback. Oregon fans were forced to drown their sorrows in grain alcohol and loathing. But NO MORE! This state of perpetual ineptitude has given way to a new era of innovation and domination! After two seasons of setting the football world on fire, it's now time to initiate Phase 2.

HELFY
Alright, I love Phase 2! ...hey Chip? What's Phase 2, Chip?

CHIP
We get ourselves in trouble.

HELFY
Trouble? You mean like losing our jobs over NCAA bracket pools?

CHIP
Helfy, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard. Anyone who gets in trouble like that should question everything about themselves.

HELFY
How about we steal a sheep from the science lab that's studying homosexuality in sheep?

CHIP
Please Helfy, that's preposterous. We're adults here.

HELFY
Well I'm out of ideas, unless you wanna go punching people in the face.

CHIP
Punching people in the face...YES! Helfy, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

HELFY
I think so Chip, but do we even know if Lane Kiffin CAN put his head inside his own butt?

CHIP
No Helfy, I've got it! We'll have LeGarrette Blount punch a Boise State player in the face!

HELFY
The one that looks like every bully in any 1990s high school movie!

CHIP
It's Boise State, Helfy, they all look like that. But yes. Blount will punch the guy, and we'll suspend him for the season.

HELFY
And when we win without him, the team will look even better!

CHIP
Yes Helfy. But, it isn't actually a season-long suspension. We'll actually bring him back for our biggest game of the year, the Civil War!

HELFY
But won't washington fans think WE think winning is more important than the punishment?

CHIP
Exactly Helfy, and we'll still go to the Rose Bowl! They'll be so frustrated, especially because they haven't beaten us since 2003, it'll drive them mad!

HELFY
Alright, great plan Chip! Man, I'm glad you thought of that. My best idea was kicking our starting quarterback off the team and then winning twelve games in a row.

CHIP
Helfy, you're a genius, we'll do that in 2010!

HELFY
We will? Oh boy!

CHIP
In two years time, we'll be so insufferable and elitist, husky fans will be more frustrated than ever!

JANUARY 11, 2011

CHIP and HELFY return to Eugene following the BCS National Championship Game

HELFY
Oh how I would have loved to win that game, Chip.

CHIP
Yes Helfy, but even the best-laid plans are rife with uncertainty. And we mustn't dwell; other matters are at hand. husky fans still hold our lack of a Rose Bowl victory over our heads.

HELFY
The joke's on them then, their arms must be exhausted!

CHIP
Well, Helfy, what do you propose we do?

HELFY
...could we, perhaps, win a Rose Bowl?

CHIP
We perhaps could Helfy. But that's not enough. We need something...more.

HELFY
But what could be better than winning?

CHIP
I'll tell you my friend. Since 2008, we've been in contact with Willie Lyles regarding recruiting information and sway in Texas. We even wrote him a $25,000 check! When the NCAA finds out, they'll investigate.

HELFY
...but won't that be a bad thing?

CHIP
No Helfy, and do you know why?

HELFY
Because our compliance department needs overhauling anyway, and this is a good excuse?

CHIP
No Helfy! Well, yes, that is true. But more importantly that that, the NCAA...is stupid. For two years, they'll drag out an investigation, all the while making husky fans increasingly more confident that Oregon will get hammered with sanctions. We'll win a Rose Bowl and a conference title, but the dogs up north will become so convinced of our destruction that they will begin to brush off their own ineptitude, just waiting for the day when they can rub it in our faces. But that day will never come.

HELFY
Because we didn't actually cheat?

CHIP
Oh no, my friend, we cheated. Big time. But we'll pass it off as a gray area in the rulebook! I'll be in the NFL by then, and the NCAA will think of Oregon as such a big commodity that it will be impossible to levy heavy sanctions!

HELFY
So what you're saying is, by the end of this, we will have very blatantly cheated during a time we've gotten a Rose Bowl win, three conference titles, and a National Championship appearance, and we'll get away with it?

CHIP
Precisely, my friend.

HELFY
I love it, though just to make sure all husky spirits are broken, we should probably win a national title after all this is over.

CHIP
Yes, Helfy. That's precisely what we should do.

HELFY
Ha ha, I love it. NARF!