Why You Should Hate: Arizona Edition

Quite frankly, as the stakes get higher and the Ducks delve deeper into their schedule, the amount of restrain and fact checking in these articles is going to fall off a cliff. My Duck fandom has completely taken over me. All I can see are visions of B.J. Denker’s fluke game in Tucson last year. Let the blind hate ensue.

Flashback to last season; The Oregon Ducks are 10-1 with a feasible two games left. Sure, the goal was to get to the national championship but beat a 4-loss team Arizona, and rival Oregon State at Autzen, and you have a chance to win another Rose Bowl. Rose Bowls are fantastic! Just ask Washington fans. They’re still talking about them.

This was how the rest of the season was supposed to unravel until B.J. DENKER DECIDED TO HAVE THE ONE GOOD GAME IN HIS CAREER. Seriously, watch this monstrosity.

All I remember from that awful event is whatever network covered the game regularly focusing in on B.J.’s mom in the stands. The look on her face gave away that EVEN she didn’t think her son was capable of performing the miracle on display. After their loss to Wazzu, B.J.’s mom was probably lobbying for the Wildcats to put the backup QB in.

They used the upset win over Oregon to catapult them with a win streak to end the season right and gain momentum going into 2014 right? Nope, the following week they got blown out by Arizona State. This is because Arizona is only adept to get up for one meaningful game a season.

Oh but Arizona sure loves playing spoiler to Oregon. Back in 2007 they knocked off then #2 Oregon in Tucson in large part to QB Dennis Dixon tearing his ACL early in the game. Arizona also won the year prior in a blowout at Autzen.

Because nothing signifies a successful season more than losing 4 or more games but managing to take a win from a top 5 team. NO BCS OR NATTY FOR YOU OREGON. YOUR MISFORTUNE IS ALL WE NEED TO EQUATE TRIUMPH.

It’s the Arizona way. They’re going to flirt with 500. All season but boy, when the Ducks come to town they’re going to psych themselves up as if Oregon is coming to pillage Tucson. THEY DON’T RESPECT US. AIN’T NOBODY BELIEVE IN US EXCEPT THE GUYS IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. When the Wildcats play Oregon, every one of their players has a chip on their shoulder Richard Sherman would be proud of.

Hill Mary- Arizona fans are commending this win as if it’s top-10 in the programs history. This is not only sad but also incorrect. Two weeks ago Arizona played Cal AT HOME. Arizona got completely outplayed for the vast majority of this game (Cal won 1 game last season.)They trailed 28-6 at the half. At the end of the third quarter they were down 31-13. They would go on to score 36 points in the fourth quarter including a B.S. game winning "Hill Mary" in the last seconds. Arizona didn’t deserve to win this game. The game of football is not nice.

Their coach: Rich Rodriguez, or Rich Rod as the kids call him these days somehow ended up in Tucson. Now that is one odd pairing. Rich Rod is an Appalachian man who turned West Virginia into a REEL WINNA. After realizing West Virginia is a desolate and sad place, he abandoned his childhood team and alma mater like a sick dog and left to coach Michigan. (Mountaineers fans still hate Rich Rod to this day). In Ann Arbor Rich did some thangs (none of which come to mind) and eventually was fired. Even Fred Flinstone has managed to last longer in Ann Arbor and he’s sending concussed players out on the field! Once his stock rises again, he’ll depart Arizona in the blink of an eye for greener pastures. With every win in Arizona Rich Rod is gleaming with elation over the day he can finally leave the s--- hole that is Tucson.

B.J. Denker: Seriously Duck fans, I can’t reiterate this enough. THIS is the guy who pretty much single handedly beat Oregon last year. ‘Twas not Andrew Luck or at least a guy who would only fall off once he actually got to the NFL. This f------ guy did. Nobody plays the martyr card as good as good as B.J. Denker. The guy talks about his size deficiency as if he was diagnosed with the bubonic plague. But he’s not even small! You’re 6’3 B.J! They said I couldn’t do this and that but I just go out every day and try to prove them wrong. B.J. is one of those athletes. Where is B.J. though? Does anyone know? Last I heard he was playing football in Switzerland. (The CFL probably thought he was too small).

Key players, aka players to hate: QB Anu Soloman. Although a freshmen, Anu Soloman is already head and shoulders above B.J. Denker. It’s like when the Raiders said "F--- it" and drafted Derek Carr to replace Matt McCloin. They knew there was little chance Carr would become a franchise QB but LITERALLY ANY OTHER OPTION WOULD BE BETTER THAN MATT MCGLOIN. Soloman is the Carr to B.J.’s McGLoin. Wide receiver Cayleb Jones is Solomon’s favorite target thus far. Austin Hill is another playmaker most famous for catching the game winner against Cal-hence "Hill Mary". Nick Wilson is their ball carrier who is quickly on his way to becoming the next Ka’Deem Carey. Terris Jones-Grigsby is another RB to look out for. Because when your quarterbacks are completely incompetent, handing the ball off a lot doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. According to Rich Rodriguez, inside linebacker Scooby Wright has been the best defensive player for the Wildcats so far. Great name.

The school: I can’t help but stereotype U of A’s student body. It’s too easy. Arizona is the school for privileged Californian’s who didn’t have the work ethic for USC or UCLA and find anything other than a warm climate uninhabitable. These kids are the worst and seemingly all will tell you how they’re not worried about the post grad life because their dad knows a guy in the industry that’ll set them up with a sweet internship. The bro’s live vicariously through Entourage because BABES AND BREW BRO. A U of A kid possesses all the bad stereotypes attributed to USC students only with worse SAT scores. I swear the administration is so set on compiling a student body of RVCA wearing brah’s that they have a section devotedly solely to it in their application.

Are you from an affluent southern California family with mediocre grades?

Well…yeah.

Do you plan on frying your brains with copious amounts of drinking/laying in the hot sun?

Yes!

Will you likely limp to graduation with a 2.3 GPA to barely earn your Film degree?

Ugh…

WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA. YOU’LL FIT RIGHT IN.

Arizona students talk down on ASU as if the gap between the two schools is Cal-UC Merced. U of A has gained credibility for itself simply because they’re NOT Arizona State. Perception is reality to most. "Their acceptance rate is like 80 something %…and ours is totally like around 70 something %. See? We’re clearly better than them." Because of this, somehow people have determined, "well, you’re not the village idiot ASU, so you must be a much better school!" This is false. They are exactly the same. I’ll settle this debate right now for you U of A and ASU folk. The University of Phoenix is the best college in the state.

Their campus/city: I’ve never been to Arizona but that isn’t going to prevent me from speaking about it ignorantly. I envision it being a lot like Palm Springs and MY, WAS THAT PLACE HOT! It’s a microwave. You take a shower, step out, and immediately feel the sudden need to shower again because you’re ALREADY SWEATING. The places in Arizona where humans decided it was adequate to develop are littered with sprawling beige suburbs and mini-malls. EVERYTHING IS BEIGE. The University of Arizona’s campus looks like a barrio. Every college across the America strives to at least have an appealing campus. Arizona can’t because they’re ants under a microscope, and water is essentially a scarce resource in the state. At least ASU has Phoenix. Tucson is like Fresno with cactuses.

What you shouldn’t hate: The meaning of "Bear Down" is actually pretty cool. You should check it out for yourself though because I’m certainly not going to exert the effort into posting a link.

ROB GRONKOWSKI. Despite being an elite NFL player, somehow that hasn’t turned the Gronk into a massive prick. Some people though for whatever reason still don’t like him or some of his antics but those people suck and their opinion shouldn’t be acknowledged. Why do I have such strong support for Gronk? Because the guy isn’t the prototypical NFL player the media worships and shoves down our throats. THIS GUY IS A TOTAL STUDENT OF THE GAME. HE’S NOT OUT ON THE WEEKENDS; HE’S AT THE TRAINING FACILITY WATCHING HOURS OF GAME FILM. Gronk comes off as the kind of guy who puts the bare minimum of effort into his job. He’s a freak of nature who probably is nursing a hangover before his Sunday game. When his teammates are flipping through their playbooks and the opponent’s formations, Gronk is booking flights to Vegas for the off-season. Rob is from the east coast by the way. The fact that he chose Arizona for college is puzzling in itself and something rarely seen. The kid clearly moved west for the bikinis.

Most inglorious alum(s): U of A sadly doesn’t have one alumnus that takes the cake on sucking the most. Instead they have a mixed variety of alums that suck just enough for recognition.

Geraldo Rivera: Nothing more needs to be said.

Teddy Bruschi also went to Arizona. He’s that insufferable commentator on Monday Night Football that preaches the word of Bill Bellicick and the "Patriot way" as if James Madison put its teachings into the U.S. Constitution.

Kourtney Kardashian WHO IS SOMEHOW THE WORST OF THE THREE SISTERS. Kim is a Movie star and Khloe’s ex-husband has 2 NBA championship rings. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY KOURTNEY?

Nick Foles: Everyone and their mother knew Chip didn’t want Foles. He looked at his depth chart and thought, "well shit, whom else am I going to start?" (You looked great by the way this past Sunday, Nick). As soon as the Eagles collapse which will be sometime in the playoffs since their division is the equivalent of the Patriot League, Philly fans will be calling for the butt-fumble guy.

Best of the rest:

Zona Sway-Because fans interlocking arms and rocking side to side has never been done before. This could turn into the next jump around!

Hard Edge-Quick let’s try and gain some steam on another catchy slogan. Look at how well Bear Down has done ammi right?

This pathetic video. PLEASE, PLEASE BUY TICKETS. Seeing the team go 7-5 from your television just isn’t as good as watching them go 7-5 in person. You can’t put a price tag on such an experience.

Bring out all the bulletin board material you want Arizona. It won’t matter. You’re done. You’re not beating Oregon this Thursday. The Ducks aren’t overlooking you this year. You’re not at home this time. You’re at Autzen Stadium. Your quarterback isn’t going to perform the same biblical worthy miracles that B.J. Denker did last year. Don’t worry about your current ranking either. After Thursday it’s not going to matter.

Up Next: UCLA