Why You Should Hate: Washington Edition

Break out the Milk Bones. The Huskies are in town this weekend.

Their record: 5-1

Let’s see: They beat Hawaii by 1, gave up 52 to Eastern Washington and only won by 7, demolished arguably the worst team in the worst conference out of the "Big 5", blew out Georgia State, lost to Stanford, and comfortably defeated Cal. Cal is their signature win thus far. Cal won 1 game last season. WATCH OUT, THE HUSKIES ARE BACK. About that loss: As much as I hate Stanford, boy was I aroused watching the Golden Game Manager, Kevin Hogan, lead his abysmal offense to a win over the Huskies. Seriously though, how many turnovers did Stanford have? The Cardinal put on a showcase in self-destruction and the Huskies still couldn't get it done.

Their coach: Nothing was better than watching Steve Sarkesian abandon their program in a split second once USC came calling. But…but we’re Washington. Who wouldn’t want to coach or play for us? Look at all our history, dammit! After Sarkesian dumped UW like a bad prom date, they brought in Chris Petersen-because the last thing they wanted was another short-term guy who would eventually leave for the brighter lights. Pete’s not the kind of guy who needs a glamorous city that isn’t 5 years behind the current times. Wholesome Chris Peterson withdrew from the USC coaching gig consideration because after twelve years in Idaho, he probably views Los Angeles as the modern equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah. He brought his defensive and offensive coordinators with him because when you’re able to dominate a middling conference, it absolutely translates into success in the Pac-12. Chris Peterson looks like he belongs sporting an ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse suit with an outdated tie, Oakley sunglasses, and a blue-tooth in his ear on his way to go sell some insurance. His defining moment thus far at UW: In the midst of a dogfight with Stanford, it’s 4^thand 9 for the Huskies at their 47. Petersen decides it’s a perfect time for a fake punt. I’m going to show these fans I got balls! They’ll be singing my praises after this one! As you can imagine, it didn’t end well for Washington. Petersen’s fake punts and cutesy gadget plays probably went swimmingly against the likes of Colorado State and Air Force-but you’re in the Pac-12 now, and everyone and their mother knows Stanford is one of only a handful of teams trick plays don’t typically work on.

Their goddamn city: Did you know we’re in Seattle?! IT IS SUCH A BEE HIVE OF ACTIVITY HERE! Regardless of the topic of discussion with these people, they will intuitively mention SEATTLE. It's like a nervous tick they all have. We can go to Pioneer Square and mingle with all the neckbearded hipsters! Then we can admire their perfectly assembled outfits that will be out of style in 10 minutes and listen to them give the run-down on their newly added tattoos and underrated IPA’s. Now THAT is something you just cannot do in small town Eugene.

Their school: THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON IS THE BESTEST SCHOOL. Allow me to turn my nose up at the University of Oregon because it is a second rate institution where simpletons matriculate. The University of Washington is a distinguished and OMG F#%K YOU PEOPLE. Here's a fun fact for you UDub folks: the University of Washington is the fifth best university in the Pac-12. Let it simmer, Huskies. I know how much that is killing you inside.

Here’s an example of how they feel about the University of Oregon’s academic prowess. This is a quote from UW athletic director, Scott Woodward: "It's an embarrassment what their academic institution is, and what's happened to them as far as their state funding has gone."

Hey Oregon, stop spending so much money on your athletic program so we can win a damn football game against you guys again! Go build another library or something so you can have a student body that misconstrues the actual value of their degrees, like us.

The funny thing is that Woodward went to LSU. As an LSU alumnus, you’re in no position to be questioning a school’s dedication to its academics. LSU folks (along with the vast majority of SEC people) would probably lay off half their professors if it meant an opportunity to win another national championship in football.

Story time: I was in Seattle last year for the game. I watched it at a bar that was packed equally with Duck and Husky fans. It was the 2nd quarter and the game was still tight. So naturally, instead of trash talking about the actual game at hand, a group of Husky fans decided to turn their attention to my table full of Duck fans and ask us how many Rose Bowls and Natty's Oregon had. Those big brains of theirs couldn't even muster up banter that was at least relevant. They had to resort to their "history." Uncle Rico doesn't ache for the past as much as these people. UW people are fixated with letting UO people know just how much we suck. They ramble on and on about how Eugene is a shit hole, that our football program was a laughing stock for almost a century, and that our degrees are worth absolutely nothing. To them, we are inferior in every aspect, and did I mention that we suck? All the trip to Seattle did was further prove my preconceived notions about Husky fans to be correct. They're a pretentious and abhorrent group of individuals. They flaunt a factitious storied football program that no one outside of the Northwest acknowledges. They revere their beloved university as if it belongs in the same breath with the Ivy League schools. They're all brain washed to believe that UW has some mythical mystique that is sure to get them ahead in life. Yet, they're all still so very bitter. They all look like they just got done scolding some teenaged waitress for messing up their order. I attended the University of Washington, ok? My insight is valuable, so listen up. You, Junior College bound waitress, need to know that it is NOT acceptable to put dressing on my salad when I SPECIFICALLY asked for it on the side. A UW student/alum is the ponytail guy from Good Will Hunting. Only, that guy went to Harvard so his haughtiness is merited whereas a UW kids is far from earned. That weekend in Seattle made me come to the realization that when I have kids, I can’t have them even entertain the thought of attending the University of Washington and becoming one of those kids. CAN’T DO IT. I’d rather a son who will grow up to become an Ari Gold worshiping USC prick, or my daughter attend (Sigh) Arizona State.

Their mascot: UW students voted the Husky as their mascot due to Washington’s close proximity to Alaska. They got Huskies up there! We’re close enough. Let’s just go with it.

The wave: Who in their right mind actually enjoys doing the wave at a game? No one outside of the ages of 6-12, that’s who. The worst part isn’t that they invented it, but rather how strangely proud of it they are. Look it up on their website. You’d have thought the wave has contributed as much to sports as instant replay. But this is not unusual UW behavior. Every accomplishment, grand or small, needs to be held over everyone else’s head’s and announced vividly. LOOK EVERYBODY! WE DID THAT! THAT WAS US!!!

Sailgating: Let’s sip on cabernet, nibble on aged cheeses and meats and then engage in some pseudo intellectual conversations while dropping our credentials to let everyone in a 5 mile radius know that we went to this goddamn university and majored in something VERY important. Let’s then take our seat cushions so our hineys don’t get sore at the game, and some almonds to snack on so we can feel energized to cheer at the wrong times and leave early to beat the ruckus crowds.

Jake Locker: Husky fans would let Jake Locker bang their wives. No other college fan base has devoted themselves to a former quarterback more than Washington fans with Jake Locker. He’d be an elite NFL QB if it weren’t for the injuries!

Key players, aka players to hate: Their QB, Cyler Miles. It turns out, when he’s not assaulting Seahawks fans, Cyler can actually play some decent quarterback. He’s already on track to become his predecessor, Keith Price. He’ll stay at UW for a hundred years, lead them to 7-8 wins a season, go undrafted, then get pity signed by the hometown Seahawks, only to end up in the CFL. QUARTERBACK U, BABY. They lost their two best offensive players from last season. Bishop Sankey is now with the Titans to give them sufficient, but not extraordinary running-back contribution. Austin Seferian-Jenkins is now in Tampa Bay to compete with Mike Evans for who can have a better arrests-to-catch ratio by season’s end. Lavon Coleman and Dwayne Washington are their running backs now. John Ross and Jaydon Mickens are their main receivers. Oh, and Kasen Williams is still around to drop a few momentum changing passes a game. On the defensive side, Shaq Thompson and Danny Shelton lead the way. Danny, the bleached hair is NOT a good look for you. Leave that to Jerry Neuheisel.

Most Inglorious alums:

UW’s admissions office get’s off to rejecting thousands of applications every year, yet they accepted Ted Bundy. TED F#%CKING BUNDY.

Amanda Knox: Oh, you know. She’s just another convicted murderer who coincidentally graced the halls of the University of Washington.

Ryan Lewis: For those of you who don’t know who Ryan Lewis is; he’s the guy who stands behind Macklemore when he performs. If I have to hear one more of their fans rave about how Macklemore and Ryan Lewis are such a breath of fresh air in hip hop because they rap about social justice issues and not about degrading women, drugs, and money, I’m going to lose it. ZOMG, Thrift Shop is totally about anti-consumerism. No, it’s just for hipster shit heads that feel they’re too creative and special to get their clothes at regular stores like the rest of us.

Kenny G: Kenny G done changed the adult contemporary/smooth jazz game. Although, I will say his name is a bit misleading. It sounds like a suburban kid’s rap name. Your name is Kenneth Gorelick; now stop sagging your britches. Veronica Corningstone said Jazz flute was for little fairy boys in Anchorman. I’m pretty sure she meant to say the saxophone. The saxophone sucks and is the Jan Brady of instruments. BASS CLARINET IS WHERE IT’S AT, HOMIE.

What you shouldn’t hate: NOTHING. The University of Washington and its football team have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Low blows:

How’s that recruiting going? Washington has been left to chase after USC, Oregon, UCLA, and even the Arizona schools leftovers. They’re currently in the process of fostering Petersen’s former lowbrow Boise State recruits. If recruiting is an indicator for a program’s success, the future of Husky football is bleak. The old school Dawg fans don't mind a lack of high profile recruits though, as they jizz their Dockers for unheralded "hard nosed" guys. Our guys will coach 'em up! Those are true Dawgs according to them. They secretly despise their four star recruits from southern California because they think they're all prima donnas and incapable of handling the rigors of the Northwest. If these fans had it their way, they'd have a roster full of Jason Chorak's. PURE GRITTINESS, THAT GUY.

That history they speak of: Mount Union, Wittenburg, and Washington and Jefferson all have more wins than Washington. I don’t even know how many national titles the Huskies technically lay claim to because believe it or not, the system before the BCS was even more flawed and unclear. They used to vote for the national champion, for crying out loud. Husky fans still love claiming all those "natty's" though and don't you dare question their legitimacy. Husky fans will tell you all about those Rose Bowls too as if they will somehow prevent another impending ass whooping at the hands of the Ducks. In their delusional minds, they deserve to be classified with the Michigan’s, Oklahoma’s, Alabama’s, and USC’s of the college football world. Hey did you know Washington and USC used to rule this conference?! Sure, our record since 1997 is below .500, but pay us some respect, will ya?!

Remember 0-12? Washington is the only team in the Pac-12 to go 0-12. Add that to your "storied history."

Read THIS

My favorite part was his mentioning of the grunge bands. Man, UW was the place to be in the '90s! Not only were the Huskies winning, but we were at the epicenter of cynical music! Those were the days!

In closing, can this be shown enough in the lead up to this game? I've been told it causes nausea for Husky fans.

Up next: Cal