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Happy I Hate Washington Day 2014: The Game Day Itinerary

The schedule for HIHWD14, as the Ducks go for eleven straight wins against the Huskies.

Scott Olmos-US PRESSWIRE

Another Hate Week in the books, and it was a fun one, filled to the brim with happy memories, throwback uniforms, and only a modicum of canine visitors attempting to incite unreasonable behavior, to be only met with cries of "LOL and 12", "Ty says Hi", and Wheaton Wave after Wheaton Wave. Really well done by everybody this week. But it's game day, the one day a year where the snarling almost-Canadians from up I-5 can end the longest streak of dominance in rivalry history. And with the road teams in Pac-12 play currently brandishing an obscene 15-4 record, the Ducks need to bring their best to Rich Brooks Field in order to extend the streak. Here's the preferred schedule of revelry for the day. As usual, tailoring this schedule to fit your own, personal game day traditions is encouraged.

6:00 AM - Wake up to watch ESPN College GameDahahahahahahawhat? They're at Florida State-Notre Dame, which you don't give a shit about, and the Duck game is at 5. You're sleeping in.

10:00 AM - Wake up, and perform Nick Aliotti's morning routine of putting on a tracksuit, going outside, and screaming at any dog you see. Nick's been doing this for 36 years, hasn't failed him once. Almost got bit once in '93, but he punched that old lady right in the nose and she ran off screaming.

10:20 AM - Head back inside, make yourself some breakfast. Something healthy, and prominently green and yellow. I'm probably going omelette with some green peppers, and a smoothie with a handful of spinach. Oh yeah, and a whisky rocks. I'm an adult, I'm not stupid.

10:45 AM - Warm up with some morning football. Baylor will undoubtedly be struggling to put away West Virginia because every team in college football is bad this year, so you can settle in with a beverage and watch a Big XII race to 60 points.

12:30 PM - This is when the mental and physical preparations begin. This would be a good time for some light calisthenics; some sit-ups, a couple jumping jacks, maybe a lunge or two. And at least 15 or so minutes of meditation is recommended; the mind must be sharp in order to eloquently and positively tell Husky players to put their heads up their own asses.

1:00 PM - Put on your game day garb: your lucky hat, the jersey you wore to the Rose Bowl, and your comfiest pair of underwear. You'll need something substantial and comfortable around your junk, as you'll obviously be spending the next 18 hours sans pants, per standard ATQ protocol.

1:10 PM - Watch The Pick. Watch it twice, in case you missed it the first time.

1:20 PM - Consider, just for a second, what it would be like to lose the game. Perhaps you're an old Webfoot, all too familiar with those purple-shirted menaces running ripshod all over so many hapless Ducks teams. Or, you're in your thirties, and the sight of a victorious Washington team stomping on the center O is still fresh in your mind. Or maybe you're like me, a Duck fan who hasn't witnessed a Husky victory in your time as a fan. Can you even bring yourself to imagine a world where Washington has bragging rights over Oregon? Yuck, no thank you.

1:25 PM - Remember that time Jake Locker kissed his mom, and a photographer captured it at the worst possible moment? If you haven't seen that picture, stop what you're doing and go find it now. Literally dozens of copies come up if you Google search "Jake Locker kisses mom". Man, I can't wait until Marcus Mariota takes his job in Tennessee next year.

1:30 PM - FInd a picture of the albino mosquito Ryan Appleby on the Internet. Print it out, in full color, onto your finest cardstock. Put it in a nice frame, not the one you paid a penny for at Aaron Brothers, the one you paid full price for. Find a spot in your house for it with lots of light. Candles and other altar regalia are optional, but preferred for optimal ambiance. Stare him right in his beady, soulless eyes and recite these words.

"Of all the numerous putrid things Washington has given the world, you are by far the worst. You fuel the eternal flame of hate in my heart. I thank the prophets: St. Kenneth the Interceptor, St. Joseph the Valiant, St. Haloti the Unmoved, St. Jeremiah the Dishonest, St. Darron the Underappreciated, and St. LaMichael the Unmatched, that they have bestowed upon us a creature such as you, so worthy of scorn and ridicule. I fucking hate you, Ryan Appleby.

Now take that picture outside and set it on fire. What a goon.

2:29 PM - Pray to whatever god you pray to for the health and safety of Marcus Mariota, even if that means praying to Marcus Mariota for the health and safety of Marcus Mariota. He is a humble deity, he'll understand.

2:30 PM - Thus begins the Purple Purge. Anything and everything in your house that might even be mistaken for purple, get it out. Purple tie you wore to prom five years ago? Gone. Framed poster of Grimace hanging in your bathroom? Gone. Leftover eggplant parm in the fridge? Needed to be thrown out already, you and I both know that's from three weeks ago. Husband has a bruise from where you punched him last week when he lingered too long at that picture of Salma Hayak? Tell him you'll turn the TV toward the window so he can watch from out in the yard.

4:00 PM - You know I love your dog, I really do. That thing he does when he's hungry and sleepy at the same time, and he can't decide whether he wants to eat or sleep, so he just spins in circles in the kitchen until he passes out? Endearing, and adorable. Believe me, it hurts me to say that you've gotta lock his ass in the garage until the game is over. He won't understand at first, and he probably won't understand later either, because he is a dog, and dogs understand very little.

4:14 PM: Take comfort in knowing this is what Steve Sarkisian thinks when he gets to work.

4:15 PM: Drive around the neighborhood, laying on the horn and playing Mighty O at full blast. The neighbors will love it, except for the ones who won't. But fuck them, it's your day. Who are they to infringe on your religious beliefs, Obama?

4:45 PM: Get your game snacks and drinks in order, and find your seat.

5:00 PM: It's go time. Go Ducks.