Why You Should Hate: Cal Edition

Fun fact: I was born in Berkeley, and raised in Napa (WHATUP BOYETT). After spending the majority of my life in "Cal Bear territory," thank heavens it didn’t turn me into a fan of theirs! I owe this to my parents, really. Thanks mom and dad for never taking me to a game. Thank you also for never buying me any of their merchandise. Those things would have only led me down a long and disappointing path as a Golden Bears fan.

Their record: 4-3. They started off swell! Notable wins include: Northwestern, Colorado, and Washington State. They also would have beat Arizona if it weren’t for the bull shittiest Hail Mary you’ll ever see. Cal dominated Arizona for three quarters, and then when the 4^th quarter started, they realized they were Cal, and reverted back to their old ways.  No team gives up a Hail Mary quite like Cal. At least USC blatantly allowed Arizona State to execute theirs, as shown here. But Cal appeared to do everything right, for once. Every Wildcat in the end zone was covered. There was ABSOLUTELY NO SPACE. The odds for a completed TD pass had to be sub zero. Of course Anu Solomon connected with Austin Hill for the game winner. Leave it to Cal to somehow let their opponent complete an act of divine intervention. I’m convinced that if the Hill Mary never took place, Arizona doesn’t go on to upset Oregon the next week. This is because losing to Cal actually counts as 3 losses and can only serve to lower a team’s morale. After their promising start, Cal has been brought back to earth. They’ve lost their last two games; to Washington and UCLA, two teams Oregon just destroyed. Those aren’t exactly positive signs heading into this one.  Despite the recent losses, they already have more wins than last season. The Golden Bears went 1-11 last year. Their lone win came against Division 1-AA, Portland State. IMPROVEMENT. So let’s not get greedy now, Cal fans.

Their coach: The knockoff version of Mike Leach, Sonny Dykes. Before Cal, he had only three years of head coaching experience. Dykes had one notable season where he led Louisiana Tech to a 9-3 record. For Cal, those credentials were more than sufficient. Dykes is a Mike Leach disciple and of course Cal wanted to follow the trend of having a fast tempo offense, because clearly it’s put Washington State to the top. Cal compulsively hired the under qualified Sonny Dykes because they’re Cal, and hiring a new coach is something they will most definitely screw up. There is very little they actually get right.

Their city: Berkeley, CA, also known as "Berzerkeley." B-Town is trying to revamp its image from hippie sanctuary to a cutesy, quant town with boutique shops and other things yuppie folks go gaga over. I believe its most notable resident is rapper, Lil B. Lil B is recognized as one of the most profound lyricists in the game right now. You may be familiar with his work. Here is a classic of his, Ellen Degeneres.

Kendrick La who?

Their "fans": Excluding Stanford, Cal has the most disinterested, fair-weather fans in the Pac 12. The majority of Cal fans are only at the game because their boss game them free tickets. Whilst at the game, they’ll just want to talk about their upcoming ski trip to Tahoe in the winter, or how the Giants are doing. Personally, I’ve never met a hardcore Golden Bears fan. Cal has failed to capture the hearts and minds of its local fan base. Cal is simply just there. When I was a freshman in high school, Cal was actually pretty good. Kids I went to school with wore the Marshawn Lynch "Beast Mode" t-shirts because they thought his incoherent quips were hysterical. (Those t-shirts have probably since been burned.) But in terms of actually devotedly following Cal football, they didn’t. They are IRRELIVENT. My hometown of Napa is perhaps more pro Oregon than Cal or Stanford. The moral of the story here is that no one likes Cal.

NFL talent: Along with Marshawn Lynch, Cal can claim Aaron Rodgers, Desean Jackson, Keenan Allen, Thomas DeCoud, Brandon Mebane, Justin Forsett, Mychal Kendricks, Cameron Jordan, Shane Vereen, and Lorenzo Alexander in the past decade. That’s a pretty impressive list of not only guys who made it to the league, but who have also had successful careers. Congratulations Jeff Tedford for somehow screwing that up. You could have grabbed the guy from behind the 7-11 counter and he would have done a better coaching job than Jeff Tedford. SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN YOU STILL NOT WIN WITH THOSE PLAYERS? Only Cal could not win despite having this much NFL talent. It is a rule. Even when Cal is loaded with future pro bowlers, THEY WILL LOSE.

Recruiting: Only Cal can manage to suck year after year, despite being located in a recruiting hot bed. This is just further evidence of just how unappealing of a destination Cal is for the local prospects. Southern California kids grow up DREAMING to play for USC. Meanwhile, Cal is getting the leftovers out of their own backyard.

Key players, aka players to hate: QB, Jared Goff went to a rival high school of mine, so watching him repeatedly run for his life from gargantuan defensive ends is a fulfilling site. Daniel Lasco has been their leading rusher. Kenny Lawler and Bryce Treggs have been Goff’s focal targets. On the defensive side, look out for Griffin Piat, Jalen Jefferson, and Cameron Walker. Safety, Damariay Drew is no longer on the team to escort receivers to the end zone or kick your dog.

What you shouldn’t hate: Alex Morgan went to Cal. Hubba hubba!

Most inglorious alum: William Hung. She Bangs!

Ducks in a blowout.

Up next: Stanford