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Tako Tuesdays: HOGAN THE GOD

Kevin Hogan - THE Kevin Hogan - has a chance to become the greatest quarterback of all time.

The winged god Hogan takes flight.
The winged god Hogan takes flight.
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

I consider the current era of Oregon football to have started in 2007, when Chip Kelly arrived in Eugene. I assume it will end in January 2019, when Travis Waller becomes the first quarterback to win four straight Heismans and four straight national titles, and they disband the FBS because we've reached the pinnacle of excellence. From the start of the '07 season until now, fourteen quarterbacks have beaten Oregon, including illustrious signal-callers like Cam Newton, Andrew Luck, and BJ Denker. Also Ben Olson, who went 4/10 passing for 64 yards and no touchdowns, and was probably still the best quarterback in the game. Three quarterbacks have beaten Oregon twice in that span, and have achieved status as untouchable and omnipotent rulers of Oregon's domain. They are:

1. THE GOD, NATE LONGSHORE: Longshore also beat Oregon in 2006, a 3-0 career record against the Ducks. This makes him the Zeus of Mt. BeatTheDucks, drinker of Zima and ruler of all worlds of the universe. There is no one, NO ONE, with more potency or manliness than Longshore The God. His chest hair has chest hair. He was the inspiration for the character Gaston in Beauty and the Beast, and he was five when the movie was released. He speaks Parseltongue. He turned down Jennifer Aniston for a date; she was so distraught she went and made The Bounty Hunter. Bill Brasky sits at the bar and tells stories about The God, Nate Longshore. He is infallible, perfect, and all you should ever aspire to be with your pitiful, insignificant life.



3. THE GOD, KEVIN HOGAN: to be continued hence...

Nate Longshore's Wikipedia does not give a current occupation. In actuality, he is running a casino in Macau, drowning in gold chains and women of a questionable background, and playing in high-stakes, underground football games. Kellen Moore is currently backing up Matthew Stafford in Detroit; when he isn't doing that, he's single-handedly fighting the war on terror with rainbows. It is not working.

The God Kevin Hogan's story is, as of now, unfinished. But, should he lead the Cardinal to victory over the Ducks on Saturday afternoon, he would become the first quarterback to notch three wins over Oregon in the current era, and the first to win in Autzen twice in that time. And this win would arguably be his most impressive, without Stepfan Taylor or Tyler Gaffney to hand off to, or an elite defense to keep Oregon's attacks at bay. In order to ascend higher than any quarterback since Oregon's current reign at the top began to take shape, Hogan The God will need to put the Cardinal on his back and play like the chiseled hunk of magic that he is.

Don't be fooled by his sub-50% completion rate in losses to Notre Dame and Arizona State, or his sub-50% completion rate in the red zone. Don't be fooled by the fact that he's averaging less than 250 yards per game in an offense that can't run the ball, and has only thrown three second-half touchdowns all season. None of that matters. That is all a part of his plan to lull Oregon into a false sense of satisfaction. For The God, Kevin Hogan is not the league-average quarterback that he appears, doing nothing well and everything just okay. Hogan The God is Heisman-quality, but he cares not about Trojans, nor Sun Devils, nor Fighting Irish. Hogan The God exists for one reason, and one reason only. He exists to deny Oregon salvation, to keep from us the thing we most desire: a Pac-12 championship, and a shot at a national title. He does this because he is merciful; he requires us humble, fearful, and subservient to our arboreal overlords. He taketh away, and we loveth him for it.

I can't even imagine the horrors that will rain from above should Marcus Mariota overthrow The God, Kevin Hogan on Saturday. Will it be frogs? Locusts with Shane Skov's face? Trust fund kids who think they know what poverty looks like because they spent the first three days of Spring Break 2006 rebuilding houses in New Orleans before heading to Cabo? Whatever may befall mankind, however, it can't be worse than the narrative that "Stanford has solved Oregon". You can solve a lot of problems with one of the best defenses, offensive lines, and running backs in college football, as long as the problem isn't, "sell out a football game without using Groupon." Hogan The God may tear the world asunder with his wrath. But knowing the Ducks have kept the Cardinal from amassing the first three-game winning streak since The Hand of Chip blessed the program may be worth every bit of terror The God, Kevin Hogan may use to smite the mortal world.

Then again, I don't know if I can handle ten thousand girls named Ashley descending from on high to tell me about how they "just don't see race".