Why You Should Hate: Stanford Edition

Third times got to be the charm. Right?

Their record: 5-3. I should be jubilant about those 3 losses. But as we all know, they mean nothing. They could be 0-7 and they’d still possess the magical potion needed to beat Oregon. Here are some of their notable games: They narrowly lost to USC, back when USC was actually believed to be good; they beat Elevington on the road while playing like the football version of the Washington Generals. They barely lost to Notre Dame in South Bend. I was actually rooting for Stanford in this one and they let me down. Go f#%king figure. They blew out Washington State and in turn, got blown out by Arizona State. In their last game they disposed of Oregon State with ease in Corvallis. In other words, Stanford is right where they want to be coming into this one.

Their coach: David Shaw, who is a Stanford man through in through! He’s well spoken, intelligent, and modest. He is also very boring, which is the most essential ingredient in a Stanford man’s makeup. After Harbaugh wreaked havoc in Palo Alto like a grouchy decrepit grandpa in a retirement home, Stanford wanted to do a complete 180 with their next hiring. So, they brought in the least interesting man in the world, David Shaw: mission accomplished.

Their quarterback: The Eli Manning of college football, Kevin Hogan. Kevin Hogan has the opportunity to do something even his predecessor, Andrew Luck couldn’t accomplish-beat Oregon three times. There’s a good chance Kevin Hogan may stumble into another victory over a top-10 ranked Oregon. Kevin Hogan is the timid underdog protagonist in a teen movie that eats shit while walking in the school cafeteria in front of everyone, and is laughed at mercilessly! But to teach us all a lesson, the film has the hot, yet sensitive girl find his clumsiness and innocuousness adorable and falls in love with him! THE END. This is Kevin Hogan; derping himself into success, time and time again. If Hogan pulls off a W this Saturday, it will obviously be in typical Kevin Hogan fashion. He’ll have an interception or two and a few unrecovered fumbles. He’ll do nothing of significance for 90% of the game but his defense will play spectacular and keep them in the game. Then Kevin Hogan will muster up one successful TD drive that takes 30 minutes, which will end up being the game winning score.

Marcus Mariota is so quick, agile, versatile, and all those other adjectives Mel Kiper Jr. murmurs in his sleep. He glides like a gazelle when he leaves the pocket. Brett Hundley is very similar, but unlike Marcus, he has a little more power in his runs. He’s like a young…JaMarcus Russell. Kevin Hogan is a Panzer tank. Like a tank, changing directions quickly isn’t his forte. Speed and quickness are other measurements Hogan isn’t blowing anyone away by. But let the kid run at full steam straight ahead and he’s bound to truck one or two undersized defensive backs.

Note: He runs a 4.72 40, which is a 4.4 by Stanford’s standards.

Their city: Stanford, CA? I don’t care what Wikipedia or any other legitimate source says. This is a fictitious city. Stanford is in Palo Alto. But in typical Stanford fashion, they felt the need to create their own city for their university, because they're Stanford.

Their stadium: Their stadium sucks. It’s holds about 30k too many seats because NO ONE GOES TO STANFORD GAMES. This of course is going to happen when your university accepts 10 people a year.

Fun fact: My dad’s company did the precasting to Stanford Stadium when they recently renovated. Sorry Dad, Love ya.

Being that my dad’s company helped build the new Stanford Stadium, he was given a bunch of free tickets. It was sometime in the mid 2000’s and we went to a few games. Keep in mind this was when Stanford sucked. The one game that sticks out is when USC came to town and obliterated the Cardinal with their roster full of future NFL players. I remember sitting by the snobby Stanford alums and thinking how great it was watching their alma mater get completely emasculated by USC. I should have been rooting for Stanford. I am from the northern part of the state after all. But sitting by these people couldn’t bring me to it. Watching them feel inadequate for once in their lives was blissful. Even if it was only a game they didn’t give two shits about.

Nerd Nation: Nerd nation paints Stanford people as helpless puppies who spent their youth getting thrown in garbage cans while O’Doyle stole their lunch. They then returned home to their sanctuary to do hours of homework and studying because it provided them comfort from the BIG BULLIES OF THE WORLD. In reality, Stanford kids are just shit heads that have never been told no a day in their life. Here are my preconceived notions about Stanford students! They’ve skated through life because they could solve for x faster than the Sammy "I eat my own boogers" Sullivan’s of the world. Their parents forbid them from associating with kids like blue-collar Mikey, because Mikey’s dad just got laid off and they don’t want their golden child to get infected with the suckiness of that family. All the things regular kids enjoy are seen as the downfall to future Cardinal, and are forbidden from their lives. Deep down, they pity everyone of lesser intelligence and will probably lecture their parents about how they need to restructure their finances. These kids will spend their entire lives getting their butts kissed while adversity bows to them. Then they’ll grow up to be some Silicon Valley big shot, and develop some social media app that will somehow make up for a lack of a social life growing up. These are the people who defend other jackass tech savants when people come forward with first hand accounts about them being terrible people. The stories you heard about Steve Jobs being a scumbag? According to these people, Jobs antics were just habits of a highly successful person! You want to treat people with common decency? Go work in retail. You clearly don’t have the smarts to be in the same room as me. Him belittling people is part of his genius, so it’s A-OK! ZOMG I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE IPHONE 9.

Their fans: A vast majority of the their fans are idiots. I’d say, currently half of the Bay Area supports Stanford. This is too high of a percentage. No one should like Stanford except the select few chosen to attend there. Dear Stanford fans with no academic ties to the university, Stanford hates you and does not care about your existence. If you’re looking for a local college team to support, at least pick Cal. Your tax dollars go there after all. Stanford is a private university. In fact, the majority of its student body is from out-of-state. Stanford doesn’t represent the Bay Area like you think it does. Step foot on Stanford’s campus and you will immediately feel out of place. They can all sense an outsider encroaching. It’s like non-Stanford people give off a pheromone that alerts them.

Andrew Luck: The programs most illustrative player is everywhere these days. The Colts are seemingly on every prime time NFL game. Clearly, you don’t need to win a Super Bowl or anything to get love. You just need a marketable Stanford QB! America is now able to regularly watch Laron Landry and his steroid infused arms miss 20 tackles and Luck eye down TY Hilton like the last girl at closing time! Ugh. The Colts have ruined Thursday night, Sunday night, and Monday night football, and it’s all because of their damn quarterback.

*By the way, his beard does not impress me. Kyle Orton put the neckbeard on the map and serves as the model for men who grow a passable, yet deficient beard. Now Andrew Luck wants some neckbeard glory and I’m not having it. YOU CAN’T EVEN GROW A MUSTACHE, LUCK. GTFO.

Key players, aka players to hate: Kevin Hogan, and his quarterback rating of 53.3. Oh, and Ty Montgomery is the only player on the team with adequate athleticism, so be on the lookout for him. Christian McCaffrey is an offensive weapon of theirs. He’s likely to become another Griff Whalen (former Stanford player) in the NFL. For those of you unfamiliar with Griff Whalen, he’s the punt returner for the Colts that makes their fans ooh and awe when he fair catches and runs out modest returns to the 20. That is all he does. Indiana folks still love him though. HE IS SO SECURE WITH THE BALL. Shayne Skov’s little brother is still on the team, which is good, because we at least have one Skov to hate. Stanford’s recruiting strategy is simple; Compile as many behemoth linemen as possible and the rest will take care of itself. Why actively pursue skill position players when you can have five NFL bound O-linemen and a kid from the dorms as your tailback?

WARNING: Seahawks fans may want to skip the section below.

Most inglorious alum: This guy.

Dick Sherman’s Stanford ties are reason he is so unbearable. Every time Sherman makes an ass out of himself, you can bet your behind the ESPN sheep will throw themselves at his feet and mention how RICHARD SHERMAN WENT TO STANFORD. SEE? HE CAN’T BE A DICK HEAD. HE WENT TO STANFORD! Dick was a communications major at ‘Furd. I don’t care if you’re at Oxford or Florida State; a communications degree isn’t difficult to earn. (NOTE: I am essentially a communications major, and don’t even know if Oxford has a communications program.) DURR.

The media has since shoved him down our throats more than the Jeter farewell tour, in effort to have us develop compassion for him.

DID YOU SEE HIM PWN SKIP BAYLESS? ISN’T HE THE GREATEST?! Skip Bayless is a crotchety old man. Sherman is da man! He’s so eloquent when he speaks! STANFORD.

ISN’T TAUNTING YOUR OPPONENT AFTER YOU ALREADY WON, CUTE? STANFORD.

NOW EAT YOUR CAMPBELL’S SOUP, KIDS. OR ELSE YOU’LL GROW UP TO BE A SORRY LOSER, LIKE CRABTREE.

Sherman uses his Stanford degree as a pass to act like a grade-A d-bag. Here’s the thing, Dick; if you couldn’t catch a pigskin, the closest you’d get to attending Stanford would be if you were there to clean the toilets. YOU MAD, BRO?

What you shouldn’t hate: Let’s talk about all the key players Stanford lost to the draft this past summer! DE, Trent Murphy was the first to go, and was drafted by the Redskins wayyyy too soon. Such a Redskins pick. OT, Cameron Fleming is gone. G, David Yankey is gone too. S, Ed Reynolds, also gone. RB, Tyler Gaffney and his bad ink are gone. DE, Ben Gardner, gone. What about Shayne Skov you might ask?

The heart and soul of Stanford football was the only one left out! They probably all got together to watch the draft. Oh, how awkward it must have been for ‘ol Shayne when his name didn’t get called. I bet he had eye black paint tears running down his face. Shayne is now on the Buccaneers practice squad. ENJOY THE COUCH ON SUNDAYS WITH THE REST OF US.

I’m anxiously waiting for a UNC-like scandal to hit Stanford. It’s inevitable. The media would somehow act shocked and appalled. WAIT, YOU MEAN A TOP FIVE ACADEMIC UNIVERSITY CAN’T COMPETE AMONGST THE ATHLETIC POWERHOUSES WITHOUT SOME SORT OF ADMISSIONS/ GRADE TAMPERING COVER UP? NO FREAKING WAY. I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I thought first-rate athletes with 4.0 GPA’s grew on trees!

I'll leave you with this gem. #FramesOn

Up next: Utah