Injuries are painful, and should be avoided at all costs. It's a mantra I've lived my entire life by. Rollerblading was the extreme sports fad when I was a kid, and when I laced up my skates, I wore every type of protection money could buy: knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, the whole set. I'm afraid of heights, unwilling to even go up a ladder for fear that I might fall and hurt myself. And I played safe sports like baseball, bowling, and golf. As a high school freshman, all my friends went out for the football team. What did I do? I joined the marching band. I wore green pants, and a hat with a feather plume in it. But you know what? I didn't get hurt. Well, I got bumped into once while playing my trumpet, and my lip swelled up a little. But that was it. And it worked out pretty well for me. I haven't broken a bone since I was six; the only time I've ever needed surgery was to remove a suspicious-looking mole, and I've only been to the ER once, and for illness-related circumstances. Not getting injured: I'm pretty good at it.
Oregon's win over Utah took a toll on both teams, with three players currently out for the season, with Hroniss Grasu questionable to return this year. Oregon's bye week couldn't have come at a better time. And since the Ducks don't have to play football this week, they absolutely should not. Stay away from Autzen, the Mo, the Cas, and basically anything that moves over 12 miles an hour. Anything faster is a health risk. In the spirit of sedentaryism, I offer the Oregon football team a list of things for them to do that will not, under any circumstance, get them hurt. Stick to these things Ducks, and you'll be in tip-top shape for the Colorado game and beyond.
- Have you heard of Netflix? There are so many hours you can spend watching high-quality television like Ghost Adventures, without having to move any of your muscles. It's the American dream the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote the Constitution.
- Soft foods only at meal time. We can't risk a chipped tooth or a mouth laceration on dangerous foods like corn flakes, tortilla chips, or onion rings. Plain baked potatoes should be okay. Applesauce too, and a creamy peanut butter sandwich on untoasted white bread.
- You have to go to class, I understand that. There are hundreds of golf carts available at Eugene-area golf courses. They can spare them for a couple weeks so you can get around without putting stress on your legs.
- Standing up can be risky. To play it safe, try taking baths instead of showering. Better yet, pee sitting down. I knew a guy once that ended up on the floor from a hamstring cramp while taking a pee, that shit is dangerous. I will neither confirm nor deny that that guy was me.
- Nuclear war is a constant threat in our 21st century global landscape, and knowing what to do after a nuclear attack is important. You can refer to THIS website, which was most certainly NOT written by a crazy person, for information on a potential nuclear fallout in Oregon. According to the map, Eugene is not at risk for attack, but that map is from 1990. Akili Smith hadn't even gotten to Eugene yet, much less Joey, Darron, or Marcus. I'm inclined to believe that Eugene, Oregon is just as important to national security as Washington DC. And really, isn't it safer to just always be in a fallout shelter?
- Board games can be a fun way to pass the time. But I would stay away from ones that use cards, like Monopoly, Clue, and Sorry! Paper cuts can just linger and linger, and completely ruin a team's national title shot.
- I don't care what those Fashion Week hacks have to say. Bubble wrap clothing is all the rage, and you should all go out and get enough to wear everyday for the rest of your lives.
- This last one is for Marcus Mariota. Talking too much can lead to a sore throat, which can lead to laryngitis, making it impossible to hike the football. That can't happen. You don't talk much anyway, but dial it back even further. Dial it all the way back, and do what we at ATQ have been doing for years: communicate exclusively on the Internet. I haven't used my voice in three and a half years, it's working out great for me.
Got more safety tips for the Ducks? Leave them in the comments!