Twas' a good week for Duck fans-minus the injuries. Let's take another gander back at what happened!
(12) Baylor: 48
(15) Oklahoma: 14
It’s like some perpetual rule. There has to be one team from Texas in the thick of things to remind us all how FOOTBAW IS A WAY OF LIFE IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. Their fearless leader, Fat Bryce Petty will likely be another Colt McCoy, or Case Keenum, or some other QB from that state who peeked wayyyy too soon. At best he'll be Ryan Tannehill or Blake Bortles, minus the handsome looks and HAWT girlfriends. Can Baylor just lose again? My gosh that was pleasing watching West Virginia take them out behind the barn in Morgantown. Can Art Briles please leave to coach the Texans or something so knock-off Oregon can fade back into obscurity? That's not too much to ask for.
Baylor’s next game: In two weeks, when they host Oklahoma State.
Chances of losing: Ruling out Bryce Petty getting a tummy ache from gorging too much Jimmy John’s before the game, Baylor takes this one with ease.
(5) Alabama: 20
(16) LSU: 13
We all need to just accept the fact that Alabama isn’t losing the rest of the way out. Rooting against them is a waste of precious time and energy. After LSU recovered that fumble in the red zone late in the game, I thought that would have been enough to ice the game for the Tigers. So I changed the channel to the Oregon game. I flipped back shortly after and found LSU backed up almost to midfield. Somehow I wasn’t surprised. Shout out to Lane Kiffin too for that marvelous play call where he had a lineman line up as a receiver, which set up the game winning TD. Raider, Tennessee, and USC fans have all grown to hate Kiffin with a burning passion for leaving their teams in shambles/proving to be completely out of his element as a head coach. But make him the offensive coordinator on a college team under the Saban regime that has more five star recruits than any other team in the country and he will prove to you just how competent he can be.
Alabama’s next game: They host Mississippi State next Saturday.
Chances of losing: Like I said, Alabama isn’t losing. This one should all but wrap up the Heisman for Mariota, but it won’t, because Marcus lives in the wrong time zone and the SEC IS SO GOSH DARN COMPETITIVE.
(10) Notre Dame: 31
(9) Arizona State: 55
How great was it watching ASU blow their gigantic lead, seeing Notre Dame climb back into the game and come within 3 late, and get their hopes up only to get blown out all over again? Only Notre Dame deserves such a heart wrenching defeat. Did you know David Robinson’s kid plays for Notre Dame? As does Torii Hunter’s son. This is not a coincidence. For some reason children of famous athletes commonly team up with other kids of famous athletes. Remember Michigan basketball a few years ago? Playing with the sons of average Joe's can be a daunting idea. Joining forces with other children who have reaped all the rewards of nepotism will surely provide your team a magical edge on Saturdays.
*Diddy's son just transferred to Notre Dame as I wrote this.
Oh, and wasn’t it awesome watching puppeteer Brian Kelly throw Everett Golson under the bus for playing like Everett Golson in the first half? A dysfunctional Notre Dame that hates each other is the best kind of Notre Dame. Also, did you hear about that stud muffin wide receiver, Justin Brent?! Hanging out with porn stars is super chilll. Now, I'm a huge Lisa Ann fan, but if she were a pro athlete, she’d be Jamal Crawford; she's a seasoned vet whose played for F#%KING EVERYONE.
Hey Justin, you miiight want to get checked out.
I can’t stand Notre Dame. HEY LOU HOLTZ, EAT IT.
Arizona State’s next game: At Oregon State
Chances of losing: I’ll give the Beavers a fighting chance, only because they’re at home and the Sun Devils are coming off a statement win. This means they’re overlooking the Beavs’. However, I’m pulling for ASU in this one because I want Oregon State's morale to be squandered by the time the Civil War rolls around. The only thing worse than losing in the Pac-12 championship game would be losing the last game of the season to Oregon State.
(2) Florida State: 34
God forbid any ACC team inconvenience Florida State enough to come remotely close to beating them. Just continue the course and let them cakewalk to the playoff. Everyone else really appreciates it. In other news, Jameis got accused of point shaving against Louisville. LOL. He’s one great kid. Let’s see, I believe that’s now: sexual assault, shooting squirrels with a BB gun on campus, multiple shoplifting incidents, yelling an obscene gesture in the FSU student union, accusations of signing autographs for cash, and now his latest one. Not since Bobby Boucher and coach Klein has there been such a tandem like Jameis and Jimbo.
Florida States next game: Saturday, at the U.
Chances of losing: Unlikely. Get it together, Miami.
(14) Ohio State: 49
(8) Michigan State: 37
Technically I should have been rooting for Michigan State, buuut I couldn’t bring myself to that. They’re fans SUCKED when they visited the Eug, and Connor Cook is essentially Jimmy Clauson. Also, aside from when it happens to Oregon, I love when the host team on College Gameday get’s upset. This is our game! We’re at home! So much excitement! And then BOOM, have a safe ride home, folks. Enjoy that loss you thought your raucous cheering would prevent. As for you students, no celebration ragers. The only partying you’ll be doing is drowning your sorrows in shots of bottom shelf whiskey. Another unlikeable thing about MSU; the fuggin’ "No Fly Zone." College players nicknaming their secondary is like speaking in the third person. This just gives the reject WR’s with shit hands another excuse to excessively celebrate breaking up an ill thrown ball with the slightest bit of their pinkie and then proceeding to act as if they conquered Mesopotamia. Annoying CB’s are like my miniature dachshund who tries to pick fights with dogs three times his size on walks.
Ohio State’s next game: At Minnesota
Chances of losing: 40%. I heard Minnesota is actually good this year! That’s great and all, but Ohio State is going to obliterate them. The Big 10 is a decade behind the rest of college football…except Ohio State. How have these teams not figured the remedy out yet?
Texas A&M: 41
(3) Auburn: 38
Sorry, Team of Destiny, it ain't your year. The "Team's of Destiny" in sports deserve nothing more than to get shit on in a 50-point blowout. Every year the media overloads our brains with a "feel-good story team" that we should all root for. I don't care if they sucked for 300 years, or if their 50-year old captain is in his last year before retirement. There isn't one team that 'deserves' it more than the rest. It's safe to say Auburn has been the luckiest team in football the past two seasons/2010. So losing at home…to Kyle Allen, was poetic justice. Even Kenny Hill will drink to that.
Auburn's next game: Doesn't matter, they're finished.
(7) Kansas State: 20
(6) TCU: 41
The Big 12 is desperately trying to give the selction committee the hard sell as to why one of their teams belongs in the 4-team playoff. Their latest ploy is a PSA that reiterates their latest slogan, "One True Champion." This is of course is referring to the round-robin schedule the Big 12 has. You see Big 12, that’s where you’re wrong. While the SEC, PAC 12, Big 10, and ACC all have conference championship games, the Big 12 does not. The Big 12 ironically only has ten 10 teams, which means they are unable to decide their conference title by having the leader of two divisions face off. So, every team plays each other. I don’t care, SEC or Pac 12 playoff hopefuls that you’ll have to play a fellow one-loss team at a neutral sight to win your conference. Our contenders had to play Kansas AND Iowa State! Now that's tough!
TCU's next opponent: Kansas
Chances of losing: Not happening.
Tennessee Something: 16
(1) Mississippi State: 45
I don’t care how difficult you deem your conference. Scheduling Division 1-AA opponents in November is for the birds. I’m not a fan of any powerhouse playing a D-1AA at any point in the season though. Anyway, I hope Mississippi State fans enjoyed this one. Nick Saban is currently meticulously plotting to crush your hopes and dreams.
Mississippi State's next opponent: Alabama
Chances of losing: Pretty darn good! Roll Tide Roll.
Week 11 winners and losers:
Winner: Kansas. This was their 2nd Big 12 win…in four years. Interim head coach, Clint Bowen had to be ecstatic, and the fired Charlie Weis probably threw his KFC bucket at the television in a jealous rage. Congrats Jayhawks. You finish the season with OU, TCU, and Kansas State. Soon enough you'll be able to take out all your football shortcomings on the hardwood.
Loser: Kaelin Clay. I know this kid doesn’t need any more people harping on him for his boneheaded play, buuut I’m still going to. The best part was him pointing at his last name during what was what he thought to be a TD celebration. Meanwhile, Oregon had a convoy escorting the ball down the field 100-yards to tie the game and shift momentum entirely.
Week 12 players to hate:
Dak Prescott: Marcus' lone competitor for the Heisman. If he beats Alabama this Saturday, Mississippi State will likely win out the rest of the way and he will steal the Heisman away from Mariota. Dak Prescott is the latest "out of nowhere" guy that voters love in their Heisman candidate. What do he and Cam Newton, RGIII, Johnny Manziel, and Jameis Winston all have in common? They were all virtual unknowns the year before winning the award. We don't appreciate your consistency over the past three years, Marcus.
Scooby Wright: AKA the new Shayne Skov. He’s only a sophomore, btw.
Jameis Winston: I wonder what law he’ll be accused of breaking next!
Nick Marshall: "Close your eyes and heave the ball as far as you can. Then pray one of your receivers will go up and make a catch" -taken from the Nick Marshall School of Quarterbacking.
Cam McDaniel: Notre Dame personified.
'90s jam to get you through the rest of the week: