:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/44189078/usa-today-8193400.0.jpg)
Hopefully this one doesn’t get another defamation lawsuit threat thrown at me!
First off, let me just say that I feel an overwhelming amount of sympathy for the traditionally bad teams in sports. Everyone can appreciate an underdog because teams that win shit are insufferable whereas bad teams are so lovable and cute! Isn’t that funny? When your teams are actually winning, everyone else secretly hates you. When your team is terrible, you, their fan, are revered as if supporting them is some sort of noble pursuit. Off the top of my head, the only winning team I ever belonged to was my 3rd grade pitching machine baseball team. Our colors were orange and black and our name was the Little Giants. ZOMG SO CEWT, ammi right? Come to think of it, my select soccer team, for which I spent about four years playing on, was damn good. I was a lowly role player though and HATED SOCCER back then. So. Much. Running. I wanted to play football with my friends because I wanted to be a MEAT and hit something. Buuut, my mom wouldn’t let me. My brain thanks you, mother. Anyway, my brief sports career got me extremely acclimated with losing, and losing in ugly and humiliating fashion. The only thing worse than a loss is not even being competitive. It wasn’t just that my teams were below .500, it was that we were a laughing stock. Knowing your opponents aren’t even taking you seriously, the laughs from the crowd, the task of busting your ass at gruesome daily practices knowing damn well you're just going to lose by twenty in the game. It takes a toll on you. My teams were the Colorado Buffs of our leagues. Their misfortune resonates with me. With that being said, I hope the Ducks put up a 50-point discrepancy by halftime so the starters can get a rest and more injuries can be avoided.
The last time Colorado football was relevant, their players wore midriffs for jerseys. But they have a national championship and Oregon doesn’t. In 1991 Colorado defeated Notre Dame in the Orange Bowl, which earned them the AP national title along with Georgia Tech. The illegitimate days of determining a national champion truly was the golden era of college football. Am I right, Husky fans?
Their record: 2-8, without a conference win. This is an adequate Colorado record and will likely bode well at the end-of-the-season banquet when MccCyntire gives his speech about how proud he is of the team for never giving up. Their wins came against UMass and Hawaii. WAY TO REPRESENT THE CONFERENCE, BOYS. They have 3 conference wins since joining the Pac-12 in 2011. In other words, their transition from the Big 12 has been…unkind.
Their coach: Mike MacIntyre, though not for long. Unlike Oregon State and Utah, Colorado has shown that losing seasons will not be tolerated in Boulder. They fired their last coach after two seasons for posting a similar record to the one MacIntyre has now. MacIntyre’s winning percentage at Colorado is .286 in case you were wondering. He was fined $10,000 earlier this year for chasing after an official. So there’s that. Oh, and their defensive coordinator is Kent Baer. Don’t know who Kent Baer is? Allow me to enlighten you. Baer was the defensive coordinator at Washington from 2005-2007. After leading the worst statistical defensive seasons in the programs history, he was let go. As we all know, the ensuing season Washington went 0-12. Now THAT is degrading. Kent Baer was considered too incompetent to even be a part of the 0-12 team.
Their students: USC Light. This specifically applies to the large number of California natives who are there mostly for the fresh powder, BRAH. With winter fast approaching these kids are dropping G’s on their parents credit cards for season passes, bindings, boards, and all that other stuff needed to "shred the gnar". GQ Magazine listed Colorado at number 10 on their 25 douchiest colleges. Personally, I wouldn’t have put the Buffs on the list at all. But who am I to question GQ? Not only will they teach you how to refine your style/manhood, but they also tell it like it is.
Buffs in the NFL: Their best NFL player is Mason Crosby, from the Green Bay Packers. He’s guy who taps in the PAT after RAWWDGUHS hits JAAAWDY NELSON for a 25-YAWD touchdown.
The Buffs second best pro is Nate Solder. He protects the "oh so" precious Tom Brady in New England. But he’s still the guy Tommy screams at when he gets lightly shoved to the ground by a pass rusher. THAT BRADY IS SUCH A VOCAL LEADER.
Most inglorious alum: Steve Ells, the founder of Chipotle. I don’t care what their profit margin indicates, Chipotle is garbage. Here’s Chipotle's recipe for success: Take some white rice (probably from Panda Express) and add heaps of cilantro to it. Then take the rest of the cilantro and smother everything else in it. OMG IT’S SO SPICY, I LUV IT. My stomach is gargling as I write this. Perhaps my biggest beef (yes, intended) is the pretentious health conscious fast food image they love exuding. Then the herds of sheep fall in line because they subscribe to the bullshit Chipotle preaches. Allow me to finish off this workout with a 2000-calorie burrito. Oh but we get to watch them put all the toppings right in front of us! Now THAT is food with integrity. Here I am ranting on Chipotle like it poisoned my dog, yet I eat at Chipotle…quite frequently actually. I am a hypocrite. God, I suck. However, I only eat there when a friend of mine wants to grab a bite and he’s driving which puts me in no position to pick the restaurant. So I kindly say, "yeah sounds…great" with the greatest fake smile you’ve ever seen. Then I add a 30-minute trip to the bathroom into my planner for later that day.
*Way too much of this article is about Chipotle. Damn you, Colorado.
What you shouldn’t hate: South Park creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone both graduated from CU-Boulder. Great show. Here's South Park shitting on Chipotle.
ESPN U: Chris Fowler, Rick Reilly, and my personal favorite, Jim Gray, all went to Colorado. They're all successful media automaton’s with the trademark dry and innocuous ESPN style. Check out my boy, Jim Gray's highlight reel.
Key players, aka players to hate: I could have taken the time to look up some of Colorado' stats. But I decided to exert my energy elsewhere. However, the Buffalo’s are 11th in the conference in total defense. They're worse than us at stopping offenses from marching down the field!
Have a good rest of the week, folks.
Up next: Oregon State
Past Editions: