Why You Should Hate: Oregon State Edition

For Oregonians, the Civil War is viewed as a sacred and crucial game for the Ducks every year. It puts family members, friends, and co-workers against each other for one Saturday in November. it's about as deep-rooted as it gets in this state. Everyone who grows up here simply picks a side; orange and black, or green and yellow.

As much as I want to become completely engulfed in the rivalry, I can't. I'm not from Oregon. This game doesn't carry the same magnitude for me that it does for a lot of other Duck fans.

This rivalry perplexes me to some extent. I'll never understand why there are a large number of Oregon fans who cheer for OSU when the two sides aren't playing. I've heard this waaayyy too many times. I understand to some degree the reasoning for it. Oregon fans realize Oregon State's essentially harmless to Oregon's success and state pride!, but BY GAR PEOPLE, YOUR GOOD NATURED FEELING'S AREN'T RECIPROCATED ON THEIR END.

Beaver fan's aren't partaking in the same "state pride" omertà that you're subscribing to. Oregon State fans want Oregon to lose every single game. When Oregon made it to the National Championship in 2010, OSU fans were screaming War Eagle! If Oregon is fortunate enough to make it to the playoff this season, you can bet your asses that Beaver fans will be cheering for Florida State or Alabama. Therefore, I say F#%K trying to establish camaraderie between both sides.

Their record: Their record: 5-6. Sure, that’s an abysmal record, but the Beavs managed not to lose to a Division 1-AA team this year! WELL DONE, BOYS.  Their only impressive win came against then #6 ranked, Arizona State. This was after the Beavers lost four in a row. None of that matters to Beaver players/fans though. You see, OSU LIVES to be the "giant killers" as they so proudly call themselves. They’ve more than accepted the fact that they are destined for failure on the gridiron year after year. But they RELISH in f#%king up your teams season with the one game they actually put together a complete effort.  Oregon State fans would take a winless season if it meant Oregon lost three games. This is the part where I show Oregon State losing to Sacramento State and Eastern Washington.

Their coach: Mike Riley. I swear they gave the guy a lifetime contract that included a box full of Dutch Bro’s coupons. Riley consistently marches the Beavers down mediocre road and OSU fans scurry in line for more. They act as if his dedication to their horrendous program is some sort of gallant act. The only reason Mike Riley's seat is ice cold is because outside of coaches from lower tier conferences, no one wants to coach at Oregon State. Remember Riley's NFL stint? Oh boy, it was rough. His record as a head coach was 14-34 and he was fired after three seasons. During that span, he led the Chargers to their worst season in franchise history (1-15). Even Norv Turner managed not to suck as bad as Riley! He's all yours, Beaver fans.

Their quarterback: Sean Mannion. Jesus, he's STILL there? According to Mel Kiper Jr, Mannion is the 2nd rated quarterback in this upcoming draft. However, we all know exactly what Mannion is destined for. After flaming out in the NFL a la Matt Flynn, he'll return to Corvallis to be the quarterbacks coach or offensive coordinator. Together, he and Mike RIley will lead the Beavers to many more six win seasons, and live happily ever after. THE END.

Terry Baker: Speaking of Oregon State quarterbacks. Did any of you realize how terrible Terry Baker was once he got to the league? Think of the NFL quarterback's that were labeled as busts. They ALL had better careers than Terry Baker. He was the original Ryan Leaf. Only Ryan Leaf's NFL career lasted five seasons and Baker lasted only three. Let's take a look at Baker's NFL stats: 12 completions, 0 touchdown passes, four interceptions, and a QBR of 40.7. the number one pick in the 1963 NFL draft would go later play in the CFL. Despite all this, Beaver fans revere the guy as if he's in the same category as Johnny U. Having that Heisman winner Beaver fans could lord over Duck fans for decades? Yeah, that's about to change soon.

Their school: Oregon State students and alumni are adamant that Oregon State is the premier university in the state of Oregon. I'll settle the debate now. The University of Oregon is the flagship university in the state. Regardless of whether Oregon State is in fact better academically than the University of Oregon, public opinion is on UO's side. Perception is always stronger than reality. Sorry, Beavs. Oh but we're a sea, space, sun, and land-grant university! Only Cornell can say the same! Here's the thing, Oregon State folks; OSU is NOT Cornell. Boasting about your research university accolades has you teetering on UDub territory in terms of having an annoying student body that overrates their schools academic prestige. The fact that OSU spends more time looking through telescopes than UO does nothing for me. I fully understand the importance of OSU's research pursuits. I think it's great. Because I sure as shit wouldn't want a career as an engineer or in agriculture. God, that sounds awful, and hard. I became an advertising major so I could be surrounded by all the HAWT girls and then grow up to be a snarky writer. Now THAT'S a respectable profession.

Their students: I can't count how many conversations I've had with Oregon State students that eventually got around to them bragging about how OSU is a wet campus. Whoopty Doo. They've identified literally the only thing OSU has on UO. Oh, and stop referring to Corvallis as Corvegas. Comparing your cow pasture of a college town to Las Vegas is just wrong.

No school does "WTF?" arrests better than Oregon State. In 2010, lineman, Tyler Thomas broke into a house. When police arrived on the scene, he refused to cooperate, got in a 3-point stance, and even lunged at the officers before getting Tased. Thomas did all of this while completely naked. But the Beavers most inglorious arrest came back in 2005 when D-linemen, Ben Siegert was pulled over with a stolen ram in the back of his pickup that was being used for a study on homosexual sheep. Siegert brought Oregon State back years with this one. Interacting with sheep in an inappropriate way is only further engraining the dumb hick stereotype often associated with Corvallis. I for one don't subscribe to this, but dammit, Ben, you're making it too easy. Sorry for my speed, Officer. But you do realize this is Corvallis, right? We enjoy our farm animals a little…differently 'round here.

Key players, aka players to hate: Their kicker, Trevor Romaine. Trevor is actually going to miss the game due to suspension (his third of the season) for unknown reasons. Trevor, you’re a kicker for crying out loud. I know you thought the beard and sunglasses look while shirtless would make you look like a quirky and radical dude, buuut they don’t. You’re not some hard-nosed linebacker. Doing the "Boz" image overhaul doesn’t work for you, bud.

Beavers in the NFL: DURR WE MAKE BETTER PRO’S THAN YOU DUCKIES DURR. I know you've all heard that argument before. Oregon State does lay claim to a good amount of successful NFL players; like Steven jackson. I just learned that Steven Jackson is still in the league. I thought that guy fell off the face of the earth. It turns out he's just rotting away in Atlanta. They also have rookie sensation, Brandin Cooks. Brandin Cooks is going to have a few good seasons for the Saints. This is partly due to the fact that it’s considered roughing the passer if you breathe on Drew Brees. Once the Wrangler's poster boy's neck finally snaps, it's catching balls from some journeyman for you, Brandin! The "oh so" controversial and formerly talented, Chad Ochocinco also was a Beaver. Here's Chad getting fired on television!

Most inglorious alum: There aren't any polarizing OSU alumni. Typical boring Oregon State. But Leonard Shoen, the founder of UHAUL, was a Beaver. Therefore he's responsible for you having to pay an arm and a leg to rent even their smallest trailer, which is about the size of a Porta Potty.

What you shouldn't hate: They suck, and if they just lay down like they should, this game will be over before halftime. But they won’t, because they’re Oregon State, and they’re probably getting amped up to Any Given Sunday and all sorts of other motivational paradigms at this very moment. So hate them wholeheartedly.

Oregon State also sucks at making youtube videos. Look at this awful one.

This video is Oregon State in a nutshell. "We surprise people, and we like it that way." There isn't a more 'Beaveresque' quote than that one. "Only the bold" sounds like the tagline for the fictitious new Quizno’s Southwest Baja sub. Someone needs to be held responsible for this calamity.

It still pales in comparison to this work of art.

HAHAHAHA

It's now time for the greatest of all.

Let's dissect this thing, shall we?

Douchebag Beaver fan: "NO NATTY FOR YOU"

…And what about Oregon State, buddy? Do your Beavers have a NATTY? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. But how could I forget that OSU fans have been left only to cheer against Oregon on their quest for a national championship because they realize their sorry program will never come close winning one. Let's add a little background to this video; Oregon just smacked OSU, 24-48, at Reser which probably explains why this guy is so bitter.

Kiko Alonso: "Where ya'll going?"

Good question Kiko.

Douchebag Beaver fan: "Home, you little b*tch."

Wait…what? Kiko Alonso is 6’3 240. If only players were actually allowed to confront scrawny hecklers who can't handle their alcohol. Nice turtleneck by the way.

His homophobic slur about Oregon's helmets just helped better paint the picture of what a sad, sad human being he must be.

Douchebag Beaver fan: "Holiday Bowl?"

No, I believe Oregon would go on to handle Kansas State in the Fiesta Bowl, which was a BCS Bowl game. But your Beavers would go on to play AND LOSE in the Alamo Bowl, which is about the equivalent of the Holiday Bowl.

His Stanford comments just hammered home the fact that Beaver fans are all infected with an inferiority complex. Your team just kicked my team's ass, but you still lost to Stanford! GOOD ONE, SIR.

Towards the end of the video, he resorted to his third grade humor by saying Oregon's 'O' looked like a vagina and best of all, he added a "your mom says hello!." Because it's definitely not pathetic at all when a grown man says that joke. What's even more sad is the people who were laughing hysterically at it.

Anyway, enough of turtleneck boy.

Oregon State's finished. I don't care what inspirational methods are being used in Corvallis, it won't matter. Oregon is playing their best ball at the moment. That'll be SEVEN IN A ROW, BEAVS.

Up next: TBD, but hopefully Arizona. PLEASE LET IT BE ARIZONA.