After Oregon dismantled the Cardinal last Saturday, they're now setting their sights on Utah. I am as well. Let the fun begin.
Utah is an enigma. The conference newcomers showed up on our doorsteps and we were all like "wait, this isn’t what I ordered." Out of the one big happy family that is the Pac-12 conference, Utah is easily the most overlooked child. They’re the kid that "accidentally" get’s left at the grocery store.The Pac-12 should have done a complete 180 and invited UNLV to join the conference so we’d all have an excuse to road trip to Vegas for games. I don’t care about your academic standards, Larry. You could have picked any school you wanted, and you chose Utah. Poor decision.
Utah is currently in a battle with Wazzu for least desirable Pac-12 destination and they are losing...badly. Oh but we’re in Salt Lake City. We hosted the Olympics! Being the most attractive city in Utah is a lot like living in the capital of Tajikistan. You live in the least shitty part of a shit hole. Well done.
I went to Utah once. Well, my flight was on layover there for a few hours. So I know a thing or two about the Beehive State, ok?
Their record: 6-2. They beat Michigan at the Big House. As much as I enjoyed mighty Michigan losing to the Utes, the Wolverines are 4-5 on the season. So it’s NOT THAT SICK, UTAH. They’re most notable win came against then #8 UCLA. They also beat Oregon State and USC. Despite all three of those team’s seasons essentially falling into a downward spiral, they’re still impressive…for Utah. As for their losses, they fell to Washington State and Arizona State. The loss to Wazzu gave the Cougars their only conference win, so congrats, Utah. This past Saturday they lost to ASU in overtime. Technically, I should feel sympathy for Utah after such a heartbreaking loss. But all of their conference games this season have been decided by 6 points or fewer. This means that Utah could very well be 0-5 in Pac-12 play and we wouldn't be here talking about how they're so 'dangerous'.
Their coach: Kyle Whittingham, who is never going to leave that place. Let's take a look at Kyle's conference record since joining the Pac-12.
Aside from this flash in the pan season, Utah is forever destined to scrap for 4th or fifth place in the Pac-12 south. This is all because they’re Utah, and no player truly wants to go to Utah.
Despite their mediocrity, Kyle Whittingham's job is safe on a Mike Riley level. He could lead them to 4-8 for the next decade and Utah fans would still be like, TELL YA WHAT, THIS GUY’S A WINNER. LOOK AT THAT STOIC DEMEANOR. He sure seems like he could teach mah boi a lesson!
Kyle Whittingham just LOOKS like a football coach, which is the most important credential for fans of a team like Utah. Oh, and he sounds like one too! That is equally as important. Utah fans climax when they hear a coach like Whittingham talk about the typical 'good coach' teachings like work ethic and family values. OH MY! HE JUST SAID FAMILY VALUES. OH YES!
I'm convinced Kyle Whittingham and Chris Petersen are the same person. They're both cut from the same cloth. This is meant in a literal and figurative way. They strike me as baggy Men's Wearhouse suits kind of guys, and that they both indulge in rocking out to More Than A Feeling on their ride to work in their Chevy Tahoe's. Married their smoke shows of high-school sweethearts? Probably. Petersen and Whittingham were Randall Floyd from Dazed and Confused. I have a problem with this because Randall was a whiny, goody two-shoes. He was also lame. As for that O’Bannion, HE WAS ONE RAD DUDE. Oh, and the Howdy Doody guy is their offensive coordinator! It's been a while since his last meltdown so I'm hoping he's due for another soon. Utah also has Dennis Erickson on staff. HAHA yes, that Dennis Erickson. Proceed with your jokes in the comments below.
Key players, aka players to hate: Their quarterback, Travis Wilson, who closely resembles Val from Brink! Soul-Skaters for life, brah. ZOMG AREN’T HIS LONG LOCKS SO LUSCIOUS?! Their top WR, Dres Anderson is out for the season. RB, Devontae Booker is going to have 1000 rushing yards on the season when the game Saturday is all said and done. He has 8 TD’s and 132 more carries than the Utes next running back. In other words, he’s pretty good and vital to their success. Kaelin Clay and Kenneth Scott are their receiving threats. On the defensive side, Linebacker, Jared Norris leads the team in tackles. Defensive End, Nate Orchard lead the team in sacks, and Linebacker Gionni Paul leads the team in interceptions with four.
Their mascot: Although the Ute tribe gave their consent to the University to use their tribes name as their mascot, I’m going to go out on a limb and say they are likely offending Native Americans somewhere. At least they’re not the Redskins. Oh wait, before 1972, they were referred to as the Redskins. I don’t have a dog in the Redskins name change saga, but I’m going to call them JERKZ for the hell of it. Also, their fight song, Utah Man, has caused quite the stir of controversy as many have labeled it racist and sexist. So there’s that. Utah is having a blast indulging in a number of P.C. blunders!
Steve Smith: Steve Smith went to Utah! Talk about not expecting that. I always thought he went to Miami or a school like that. Anyway, Smith was a Ute about 50 years ago. Let that sink in. Aside from being a savvy and productive vet, he has also earned the distinguished award of being the most consistently pissed off player in the NFL. He is always SO MAD-says the guy telling you to hate essentially everything.
Steve Smith is the reason for our country now revering jackass pro-athletes. If you're a so-called "boring" athlete who does nothing outlandish and gives dry and conventional interviews, you suck, and need to stop being so old-fashioned. Sportsmanship is sooo not cool anymore. Guys like Steve Smith are the athletes our children should be idolizing.
Whenever Steve Smith runs his mouth or punts a kitten, the media and blog folks like me chuckle themselves to tears because OMG AREN'T HIS ANTICS HILARIOUS?!
THIS GUY IS GREAT. HE SURE DOES LOVE THE GAME. SUCH A FIERY COMPETITOR. LOVE HOW HE SPEAKS HIS MIND.
Then the internet sycophants post things like WISH I HAD HIM ON MY TEAM because deep down they're afraid Steve Smith would hear about them bad mouthing him and then come to their house and stand outside their window as they slept.
This is true. Wrong Steve Smith, and you will pay for it. Cut him in line at the grocery store, take the parking spot he was waiting for, not respond to a text from him within 30 seconds, you name it. STEVE SMITH WILL GET RETRIBUTION.
What you shouldn't hate: Nolan Bushnell went to Utah. Don't know who Nolan Bushnell is? Well, he only founded Chucky Cheese's. Let me now leave you with a favorite Office clip of mine.
Alex Smith: Utah Ute, and #1 pick in the 2005 NFL draft by (tears pouring) the San Francisco 49ers. You want a game manager? He is your man. Oh my, the 2000's were rough with small hands at the helm. Then again, they weren't, really. Niners fans knew exactly what they were getting with Alex Smith. He's a no frills kind of guy. Watching those four good games they played a season were a thing of beauty. Then me and all the other delusional 49ers fans would be like, HEY, WE CAN BUILD OFF OF THIS! And they never did until 2011 when psycho Jim Harbaugh came aboard. Alex then proved one thing to all of us. Give him an adequate coach, a superb O-line, a future Hall of Fame running back, and the league's best defense, and he will lead you to a loss at home in the NFC championship. DAMN YOU, KYLE WILLIAMS. I hope Arizona State and Oregon can meet in the Pac-12 championship so I can have a section in the article devoted solely to Kyle Williams. It will probably be around 1000 words. But I digress. I would honestly trade those years of futility and blowout losses for the days of now, with Kap committing some fatal error late in the 4th quarter in the red zone to lose them the game. Aw, I seriously miss these days. MISS YOU, ALEX.
But not really.
Most inglorious alum: Ted Bundy attended the University of Utah's Law School! Jesus, where didn't this guy go?
Best of the rest:
BYU is their biggest rival. Sounds…fun.
Their state has the strictest alcohol laws in the country. Not fun.
Up Next: Colorado