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Ranking The Bowl Games

Minus the Rose and Sugar, because DUH.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Rusty_Ryan11 and seanepg gave you the odds. Now it's time see how watchable they are. There's 36 of these things and the vast majority are not worth your time.

(36) Raycom Media Camellia Bowl: South Alabama vs. Bowling Green. Dec. 20th, 9:15 ET on ESPN.

Its name sounds miserable, it's location is about as unappealing as you can get for a bowl game (Montgomery, AL), and it pits two teams against each other that draw about as much interest as a Tyler Perry movie. Congrats, South Alabama and Bowling Green. You are both playing in the worst bowl game this year.

(35) Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Utah State vs. UTEP. Dec. 20th, 2:20 ET on ESPN.

Every time I hear New Mexico now, METH METH METH is the first thing that comes to mind. Breaking Bad has done wonders for your state, New Mexico. It truly put it on the map. As for this game, there isn't a chance I actually force myself to watch it. One interesting development though is that UTEP fans are down to scrap, as shown HERE. Tread lightly, Utah State fans.

(34) Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Air Force. Dec. 20th, 5:45 ET on ESPN.

Target's Marshmallow World get's the award for worst commercial of the holiday season. BOLD hot take right there.

(33) Popeye's Bahamas Bowl: Central Michigan vs. WKU. Dec. 24th, Noon ET on ESPN.

Seriously? Central Michigan and WKU are the two teams that were given this vacation? Even South Alabama vs. Bowling Green is a sexier matchup than this pile of dog shit. Bahamian's will forever hate American football because they were given a awful game to host and endure.

(32) GoDaddy Bowl: Toledo vs. Arkansas State. Jan. 4th, 9:00 ET on ESPN.

I'm just being honest. There are absolutely zero incentives for me to watch this game. Also, what the hell did these two teams do to deserve to play on January 4th? All the non-playoff bowl games should take place before January 1st because all teams NOT in the playoff need to know how inferior they are in comparison to the top 4 teams.

(31) Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Fresno State vs. Rice. Dec. 24th, 8:00 ET on ESPN.

In case you were wondering, there are still Hawaiian islands being formed currently. If you ask me, they need to name one of those damn things Mariota. Mariota Island. Sounds luring, doesn't it? This game could also be your Christmas Eve golden ticket to avoiding family members and relatives you'd rather not interact with for extensive periods of time. Sports alwayyys bail me out of that rubbish. I simply park my behind on the couch and act as interested as I possibly can with what's on the television so they'll think to themselves, "wow, he looks really into this game. I best not bother him." I'm a despicable human being.

(30) R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Nevada vs. UL Lafayette. Dec. 20th, 11:00 a.m ET on ESPN.

Brock Hekking, the counterfeit Boz, is the sole reason you should tune in for this game. The dude has a bleached mullet. I'm not talking about some flow that touches the neck area. This thing is on an '80s hair band level. I'm always a fan of the athletes who go well out of their way to look as less aesthetically pleasing as possible. It's why Kyle Orton is my favorite NFL QB. Pretty boy athletes are the worst. Looking at you, JaMarcus Russell. Brock has had himself a solid career by dominating in a middling conference. He likely will be with an NFL team next year and his hair could be the reason why. Having crazy hair automatically raises your value as a football player. A.J. Hawk, Connor Barwin, and Clay Matthews can all attest to this.

(29) Miami Beach Bowl: BYU vs. Memphis. Dec. 22nd, 2:00 ET on ESPN

South Beach! The nightclubs! The bikini's! BYU will not be partaking in any of that. BYU in Miami. God, that sounds awful. I bet they'll go to museums in their downtime. That seems like the BYU thing to do. BYU is going to lose badly due to the culture shock.

(28) San Diego County CU Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State. Dec. 23rd, 9:30 ET on ESPN.

Now THAT is a mouthful. Being that it's taking place in the house that Marmalard built, I'm taking the hometown Aztecs.

(27) Zaxby's Heart of Dallas Bowl: Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech. Dec. 26th, 1:00 ET on ESPN.

Ah, another Southern fast-food restaurant sponsoring a bowl game. They certainly do go hand in hand.

(26) Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl: NC State vs. UCF. Dec. 26h, 8:00 ET on ESPN.

Who was the genius at ESPN who thought it was a brilliant idea to have Maroon 5 perform the intro video for Saturday Night Football this year? Here I was anxiously awaiting the start of the Civil War game when all of a sudden Adam Levine and his squeaky voice graced my television. Eminem last year made perfect sense (Berzerk was DOPE), but Maroon 5?! THAT ADAM LEVINE SINGING ABOUT HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND SURE GET’S ME AMPED FOR FOOTBALL.

(25) Quick Lane Bowl: Rutgers vs. North Carolina. Dec. 26th, 4:30 ET on ESPN.

How is UNC still bowl eligible? Weren’t they busted in an academic fraud scandal that included a number of football players? Stupid me. How could I forget how the NCAA operates? Sign autographs or merchandise and they will punish you with an iron fist. However, if you decide to have your tutor do all of your homework assignments for you, well then that’s just fine and dandy. Carry on, son.

(24) Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Pittsburgh. Jan. 2nd, Noon ET on ESPN.

You'll all be too hungover to care about this game. Whether it's from celebrating Oregon's win, or drowning your sorrows from the loss, you're not going to watch it.

(23) Boca Raton Bowl: Marshall vs. Northern Illinois. Dec. 23rd, 6:00 ET on ESPN.

Marshall's QB, Rakeem Cato is a STUD. He alone is enough of a reason to watch this game. But the Thundering Herd team was all the rage this year too. They went 12-1. You probably didn't know though because outside of a few Sports Center highlights, we've seen very little of this team. Here's your chance to finally get a good look at them.

(22) Military Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech. Dec. 27th, 1:00 ET on ESPN.

I just learned Frank Beamer is still alive. Good for him. It appears 'Beamer Ball' still rules in Blacksburg, which is unfortunate for Hokie fans because it's obsolete and won't win them more than eight games ever again.

(21) TaxSlayer Bowl: Iowa vs. Tennessee. Jan. 2nd, 3:20 ET on ESPN.

If you like watching seven-minute drives that end in field goals, this is your game! Rest assure, any game Iowa is in, a few things are guaranteed. It will be an extremely slow and boring football game. But there will be plenty of HAWD NOSED guys who are as gritty as it gets out there making plays. Tennessee is like college football's version of the New York Jets. Not only do they lose, but they lose in catastrophically hilarious fashion. Because of this, I'm automatically a fan of theirs. Star crossed teams are the best.

(20) Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl. Utah vs. Colorado State. Dec. 20th, 3:30 ET on ESPN.

Utah was given the shaft with this one, but what else is new? The committee should just start putting Pac-12 teams against high school state champion's since they think so highly of the conference.

(19) New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. Penn State. Dec. 27th, 4:30 ET on ESPN.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. Penn State. Here’s a drinking game, kids. Down 10 shots every time Jeetz is mentioned on the broadcast. This matchup is between two teams that no one outside of the tri-state area gives a flying f#%k about and it’s being played at the shrine of New Yawk sports. Sounds splendid! Penn State fans finally get their bowl game they were crying wolf over since the Sandusky scandal hit. Oh the travesty that you all had to endure by being deprived of a few bowl games! Happy Valley is a cult compound.

(18) Birmingham Bowl: East Carolina vs. Florida. Jan. 3rd, Noon ET on ESPN.

Now this bowl get's it! It's concise and not cluttered in BUY OUR SHIT sponsorship naming rights. But it's going to be a very, very bad game. East Carolina is another under the radar team from a lesser known conference that is desperate to earn some respect from the big boys. Will they be up for the task of taking down a disinterested, underachieving, and Will Muschampless Florida Gators side? TIME WILL TELL.

(17) AdvoCare Texas Bowl: Arkansas vs. Texas. Dec. 29th, 9:00 ET on ESPN.

It's safe to say Charlie Strong was a colossal failure in his first year at Texas. The Longhorn's get more five stars than Parisian hotels. So we should all point and laugh at their demise, because they're haughty and think it's their God given right to compete for a national title every year. But they suck. And they have for a while now. And it's great.

(16) AutzoZone Liberty Bowl: Texas A&M vs. West Virginia. Dec. 29th, 2:00 ET on ESPN.

How awesome was the Gridiron Bieb’s first NFL start? He went 10 of 18 for 80 yards, was sacked 3 times, and had 2 interceptions in a 30-0 ass whoopin' (flashes money signs). But if you think Johnny is wallowing in self pity and frustration, you are likely wrong. He probably went out that same night as a symbolic middle finger to his critics. His alma mater isn't exactly thriving these days either. The Aggie's lost five of their last seven, which is…not good. I couldn't even tell you who their quarterback is anymore. Whether it's Kyle Allen or a hungover Kenny Hill, I think they'll handle the Mountaineers with ease. GIG 'EM, YO.

(15) Foster Farms Bowl: Maryland vs. Stanford. Dec. 30th, 10:00 ET on ESPN.

Which Kevin Hogan will show up in this one? The gallant, decisive, John Elway Jr. Hogan, or the Derp face Eli Manning Hogan? Keep in mind this is Stanford football, so scoring will be at a premium. Expect a scoreline along the lines of 17-7, with the Cardinal coming out on top. Also be ready for a number of Kevin Hogan turnovers. It wouldn't be Cardinal football if Hogan wasn't trying to single handily lose them the game.

(14) Duck Commander Independence Bowl: Miami (FL) vs. South Carolina. Dec. 27th, 3:30 ET on ABC.

Stop lying to me ESPN 30 for 30The U is not back. They are not going to be back for quite a while. Not only do they lack the talent they once had, but the present day Miami Hurricanes team is borrriiinnngg. They need to go back to terrorizing suburban America with all their SWAG. Those were the days. For the Cocks, Steve Spurrier doesn’t give a f#%k these days and has a constant look on his face like he’s late for a tee time and just wants the damn game to end in a timely fashion. Just run the dang ball, will ya?! He’s coaching solely to stay active and get out of the house. His bucket list of accomplishments is already full. As for this games perfect and wholesome sponsor; I just want to see some Real World type shenanigans take place on Duck Dynasty so the show could be slightly entertaining for once. F bombs, hair pulling, all that good stuff. We want to see it, A&E.

(13) TicketCity Cactus Bowl: Washington vs. Oklahoma State. Jan. 2nd, 10:15 ET on ESPN.

I'll root for Washington in this one since man-boy, Mike Gundy put Oregon at No. 5 in his coaches poll. E tu, Mike? PSYCH. Eat shit, Huskies.

(12) Russell Athletic Bowl: Clemson vs. Oklahoma. Dec. 29th, 5:30 ET on ESPN.

Two teams with a WHOLE LOTTA FOOTBAW TRADISHIN. Love me some Clemson uni's. But their reluctance to fully embrace purple offends me. NEED MORE PURPLE. Seriously, look at how filthy these bad boys are. This one should be worth your time! Plenty of NFL talent will be on display. And if both teams actually want to be there, it could set the stage for a great game.

(11) Hyundai Sun Bowl: Arizona State vs. Duke. Dec. 27th, 2:00 ET on CBS.

Here's more proof of the biased and flawed system that's in place that continuously screws over the Pac-12 by having them play inapt opponents in their bowl games. If it weren't for a close loss on the last week of the season, ASU would have been in the Pac-12 championship game. Now the No. 15 Sun Devils are forced to play an unranked Duke Blue Devil's team. Duke doesn't even like football! If you gave a Blue Devil fan the ultimatum of a 10-win football season or the second coming of Greg Paulus, they'd take the charge-taking extraordinaire in a heartbeat.

(10) National University Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. USC. Dec. 27th, 8:00 ET on ESPN.

If Huskers fans were fed up with Bo Pelini’s failure to put Nebraska at the top of the Big 10, yikes, it could get ugly with Mike Riley calling the shots. Almost a month ago I was making jokes about Mike Riley never leaving Corvallis due in part to no one else wanting him, and then BOOM, f#%king Nebraska snags him. Nebraska is way out of your league, Mike. Well done! Soon enough Corn Huskers fans will be brainwashed into tolerating 6 win seasons by having one gargantuan upset to make the mediocrity all worthwhile.

(9) Belk Bowl: Georgia vs. Louisville. Dec. 30th, 6:30 ET on ESPN.

Georgia vs. Arizona would be a far better matchup. End of story.

(8) Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl: Minnesota vs. Missouri: Jan. 1st, 1:00 ET on ABC.

I guess attaching a chain restaurant to a fruit and calling it a bowl game is a thing now. Anyway, I went to my first ever B-Dubs this year! Such a milestone, I know. It wasn't too shabby, I must say. A bit pricey for low quality drunk food, but good! I actually just wanted to leave the group I was with so I could order $30 worth of wings and a massive bowl of ranch shame free. Then I would have creepily ate them in the corner with my back turned to everyone, eyes locked in only on the wings so I couldn't be bothered. Anyway, Minnesota was a good story this year, but they're still middle-of-the-road in my eyes. As is Missouri, but the SEC east was such a joke this year they made it to the SEC championship. Ain't that a pip?

(7) Vizio Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. Arizona. Dec. 31st, 4:00 ET on ESPN.

Boise State vs. Arizona. Despite proving to be one of the best conferences in college football, the Pac-12 is still routinely given a seat at the kid’s table during bowl season. Let the Big 10 lose every out-of-conference game in September but boy, they sure deserve to have a crack at the SEC! What does Arizona take out of a win over a post Chris Petersen era Boise State Broncos? Absolutely nothing. The 'Cats got screwed with this game.

(6) Outback Bowl: Auburn vs. Wisconsin. Jan. 1st, Noon ET on ESPN2.

Anytime your coach decides to leave your team for Oregon State, morale drops to an all time low. Because of that, Wisconsin doesn't  stand a chance in this one.

(5) Capital One Orange Bowl: Mississipi State vs. Georgia Tech. Dec. 31st, 8:00 ET on ESPN.

Mississippi State really flamed out quick, didn't they? Georgia Tech didn't put up nearly as good of a fight as they were billed to do against Florida State. Both these teams are complete and utter disappointments, but since they're so respectively ranked we're supposed to be fawning over it. NONSENSE. This game being ranked high only proves just how much worse the other games are.

(4) Valermo Alamo Bowl: Kansas State. vs. UCLA. Jan. 2nd, 6:45 ET on ESPN.

I want UCLA to receive the ball first and run it back for 6 to start the game so ESPN can find "disapproving K-State fan" and zoom in on his reaction. This should be a competitive game because while UCLA has far more talent, K-State has Bill Snyder, who is very old, wise, and…old. I also want to see more of little Jerry, so make it happen, Jim!

(3) Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Notre Dame vs. LSU. Dec. 30th, 3:00 ET on ESPN.

Jesus, these bowl games are starting to have more names than a British royal. We all know Notre Dame is a shell of its former self and will never be as dominate as it once was. But the Notre Dame fan base doesn't subscribe to this because they're delusional and mostly sanctimonious pricks. In other words, watching LSU put a beat down on the Irish will be fun.

(2) Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Ole Miss vs. TCU. Dec. 31st, 12:30 ET on ESPN.

Bo Wallace will throw 10 interceptions and the Rebels will win. Credit to TCU for not going down the Baylor path by telling the whole world how persecuted they were for not getting a spot in the playoff. Both these teams are loaded with talent and playing to make a statement. Should be a good one.

(1) Goodyear Coton Bowl: Michigan State vs. Baylor. Jan. 1st, 12:30 ET on ESPN.

Nothing would be better than watching Sparty put a shellacking on Baylor. Seeing Art Briles gallingly roam the sidelines would be must-see television. We shouldn't uh been in this dang stinkin’ bowl ina first place! A Baylor loss would put to rest any reservations people had about whether they deserved a spot or not. Also, your brand spankin' new stadium looks like a toilet, Baylor. Literally.