A fairy tale unlike any other, a brave hero sets out to capture his true love which has been stolen by a band of thieves. Let me catch you up to speed...
These three men have stolen the college football championship trophy:
They sail for the Tuscaloosa frontier, trophy in tow. But a mysterious figure approaches from out of the mist...
Anu: What is that you're ripping?
RichRod: It's fabric from the uniform of an offensive lineman of Alabama.
Scooby: Who's Alabama?
RichRod: The country across the sea, a sworn enemy of Florida State. The fabric will make Jimbo Fisher suspect the Crimson Tide have abducted the trophy. When he finds his trophy smashed on the Tuscaloosa frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Scooby: You never said anything about smashing anything.
RichRod: I've hired you to help me start an Internet flame war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Scooby: I just don't think it's right, smashing an innocent trophy.
RichRod: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS!
Anu: I agree with Scooby.
RichRod: OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN. I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE ONLY A FOUR-STAR RECRUIT IN VEGAS! AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN SANTA ROSA!!!
Anu: That RichRod, he can fuss.
Scooby: Fuss, fuss...I think he likes to scream... at us.
Anu: Probably he means no harm.
Scooby: He's really very short on... charm.
Anu: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Scooby: Yes, yes, some of the time.
RichRod: Enough of that!
Anu: Scooby, is that USC ahead?
Scooby: If it is, we all be dead!
RichRod: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Scooby: Anybody want a peanut?
RichRod: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that?
Anu: Are you sure nobody's follow us?
RichRod: That would be inconceivable.
Anu: You are sure nobody's follow us?
RichRod: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Tuscaloosa knows what we've done, and no one in Tallahassee could've gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Anu: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there.
RichRod: Probably some Mountain West team out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel-infested waters.
Anu: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using.
RichRod: WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE? THE CLIFFS OF THE SEC! HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Scooby is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor.
[Anu, RichRod and The CFP trophy are clinging to Scooby, as he climbs a rope to the top]
Anu: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.
RichRod: Inconceivable, FASTER!
Scooby: I thought I was going faster.
RichRod: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!
Scooby: Well, I'm carrying two people and a trophy, and he's got only himself.
RichRod: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A NEW LINEBACKER, THAT'S ALL.
Scooby: Don't say that, RichRod. Please?
RichRod: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT STAKE?
[They reach the top, and Anu cuts the rope. The masked man does not fall]
Scooby: He's got very good arms.
RichRod: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!
Anu: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. My God! He's climbing!
RichRod: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the trophy and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Tuscaloosa frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
Anu: I'm going to do him left-handed.
RichRod: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!
Anu: It is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
RichRod: Oh, have it your way.
Scooby: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
RichRod: I'M WAITING!
[RichRod, Scooby and The CFP trophy depart the Ruins, leaving Anu to prepair for the masked man]
Anu: Hello there! Slow going?
Dread Pirate Mariota: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Thank you.
Anu: I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Dread Pirate Mariota: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Anu: I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to beat you.
Dread Pirate Mariota: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Anu: But, I promise I will not beat you until you reach the top.
Dread Pirate Mariota: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Anu: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Hawaiian....
Dread Pirate Mariota: Throw me the rope.
[Mariota reaches the top]
Anu: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Again, thank you.
Anu: You are ready, then?
Dread Pirate Mariota: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Anu: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to beat you.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to lose.
Anu: Begin. You are using Griffin's footwork against me, uh?
Dread Pirate Mariota: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Anu: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Michael Vick
Dread Pirate Mariota: Naturally, but I find that Manziel cancels Michael Vick, don't you?
Anu: Unless the enemy hasn't studied his Steve Young, which I have!
Anu: You are wonderful!
Dread Pirate Mariota: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Anu: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Then why are you smiling?
Anu: Because I know something you don't know.
Dread Pirate Mariota: And what is that?
Anu: I am not left-handed.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You're amazing!
Anu: I ought to be after twenty years.
Dread Pirate Mariota: There is something I ought to tell you.
Anu: Tell me.
Dread Pirate Mariota: I'm not left-handed either.
Anu: Who are you?
Dread Pirate Mariota: No one of consequence.
Anu: I must know.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Get used to disappointment.
[Mariota wins the fight]
Kill me quickly.
Dread Pirate Mariota: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either....
[Mariota hits Anu over the head with his Pac-12 freshman of the year trophy]
Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.
[Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. RichRod sees the black figure of Mariota moving towards them]
RichRod: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly.
Scooby: What do I do?
RichRod: FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!
Scooby: Oh good, my way. Thank you, RichRod...Which way's my way?
RichRod: Put on all that eye black, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute he comes into view, BLINDSIDE HIM!
Scooby: My way's not very sportsmanlike.
[Mariota approaches the boulders, then slows down. Scooby runs full-speed into a rock in front of Mariota, and falls down]
Scooby: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Dread Pirate Mariota: I believe you. So what happens now?
Scooby: We face each other as football intended...sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You mean, you'll take off your eyeblack and I'll put down my football and we'll try and smash into each other like civilized people?
Scooby: I could beat you now.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at tackling
Scooby: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
[Mariota puts down the football, and begins to pummel Scooby, to no effect]
Dread Pirate Mariota: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Scooby: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to lose embarrassed. You're quick.
Dread Pirate Mariota: And a good thing, too.
Scooby: Why are you wearing a helmet? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
Dread Pirate Mariota: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.
Scooby: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Why's that, do you think?
Scooby: Well, I haven't tackled just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs of Utes and Sun Devils for local charities, that kind of thing.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Why should that make such a difference?
Scooby: Well, you see, you use different moves when you're tackling half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about ... one.
[Scooby drops unconscious to the ground]
Dread Pirate Mariota: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.
[Mariota approaches RichRod and the trophy]
RichRod:So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish to play in the Fiesta Bowl, by all means, keep moving forward.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Let me explain...
RichRod: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to take what I have rightfully stolen.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
RichRod: There will be no arrangement, and you're losing your chance at a title.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
RichRod: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You're that smart?
RichRod: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Bryant, Schembechler, Saban?
Dread Pirate Mariota: Yes.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Really. Well in that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
RichRod: For the trophy? To the death? I accept.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Good, then open the playbooks.
[Mariota pulls out pages from a leather-bound playbook]
Look at this, but do not touch.
RichRod: I see nothing out of the ordinary.
Dread Pirate Mariota: What you do not see are pages from Tyrone Willingham's playbook from 2008. It is filled with hundreds of plays that led to an 0-12 season, and is among the deadliest poisons known to college football coaches.
Dread Pirate Mariota: < turns away from RichRod with the playbooks. He turns back, placing both books on the table>
All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both read, and find out who is right...and who stinks of Husky.
RichRod: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own playbook or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own playbook, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of me.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You've made your decision then?
RichRod: Not remotely. Because Ty Willingham coached at Notre Dame, as everyone knows, and Notre Dame is perpetually overrated, and can not be trusted, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of you.
Dread Pirate Mariota: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
RichRod: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?
Dread Pirate Mariota: Notre Dame
RichRod: Yes, Notre Dame. And you must have suspected I would have known Willingham's origin, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of me.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You're just stalling now.
RichRod: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten Scooby, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of you. But, you've also bested Anu, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the playbook in front of me.
Dread Pirate Mariota: You're trying to trick me into giving away something.
It won't work.
RichRod: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW
WHERE THE POISON IS!
Dread Pirate Mariota: Then make your choice.
RichRod: I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be?
Dread Pirate Mariota: What? Where? I don't see anything.
RichRod: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
Dread Pirate Mariota: What's so funny?
RichRod: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's read, me from my playbook, and you from yours.
[They open, and read]
Dread Pirate Mariota: You guessed wrong.
RichRod: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched playbooks when your back was turned! Ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never take the head coaching job at Michigan, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a West Virginian when a spot in the playoff is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha-
[RichRod falls over, crippled by terrible football]
RichRod: So the pages were in your playbook the whole time?
Dread Pirate Mariota: The pages were in both playbooks. After three straight wins, I've built up an immunity to Washington football.
All Photoshop credit goes to me. I'm honestly proud of how much they suck, mostly because there was a time when I would've done this whole post in MSPaint, so shitty Photoshops is a step up for this blogger.