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Why You Should Hate: Florida State Edition

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Sports tend to bring out hate in even the most introspective and civilized of fans. Whether your team is playing their long-time rival or a pitiful underdog, there's always room to hate.

David Manning-USA TODAY Sports

You could write a goddamn thesis paper on all the reasons Florida State deserves your hatred. I couldn't have dreamt up a better team to write one of these pieces for. This is the pinnacle right here, folks. There isn't an NFL team as dysfunctional and putrid as the Seminoles. They are the Floyd Mayweather of college football. Because of that, I say thank you to Florida State and their odious football program.

Their record: 13-0, again. All this success couldn’t have happened to a more deserving team. When you play in the ACC, capping off two undefeated seasons in a row isn’t as extraordinary of an accomplishment as you might think. The 'Noles best three wins came against a pair of 9-3 teams in Clemson and Louisville, and 10-3 Georgia Tech. All three of those teams are going to lose their marquee bowl games, which should be fun to see. Florida State’s "tough" out-of-conference game came in a 6-point win over Oklahoma State - a team that finished 6-6. The majority of Florida State’s games this year were tightly contested and could have gone either way. Remember when they needed a late field goal to beat Boston College? ‘Noles fans will be the first to mock Oregon’s "quality loss" though. And how could we forget the Notre Dame game? Florida State should have lost at home to the eventual 7-5 Irish (who were blown out by ASU and USC). Luckily for the Seminoles, they were awarded a generous offensive pass interference call that negated a Notre Dame game-winning touchdown. While everyone else acknowledges it was purely blown coverage, ‘Noles fans will fire back with TEXTBOOK PICK PLAY RIGHT THERR. YOU NOT KNOW THE RULES, BOI? The fact that Florida State made Notre Dame likable tolerable (for one game) goes to show you just how unappealing this FSU team is to the vast majority of people outside of Tallahassee. They have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Insufferable fan base with cult-like tendencies: check

Douchebag quarterback: check

Annoyingly successful history that fan base distorts and shoves in everyone else's faces: check

Their conference: The SEC's bastard child, the ACC. Be honest with yourselves, FSU fans, deep down you know the ACC is strictly a basketball conference. Florida State's role of course is to provide the conference with a shred of football credibility. And my, this conference is in shambles. While most other conferences are extremely selective while evaluating teams to add - some too selective (ahem, Big 12) - the ACC has been like, "F#%k it, you’ll do!" to every Tom, Dick, and Mary. I seriously had to look up which teams were actually in the ACC now. They added Pitt and Louisville! Those couldn’t be any less alluring schools that are likely to contribute very little in terms of bolstering the conference. Well done, ACC. Then there’s the "casual relationship" they have with Notre Dame. Of course the affiliation doesn’t apply to football because Notre Dame is a bit of a free spirit when it comes to commitment, and despite years of unconditional love and support, the ACC just hasn’t been able to get the Irish to "settle down." I suppose picking up "hood rats" Louisville and Pitt was meant to fill some of the void. EDIT: They have Syracuse now too! Completely overlooked them while looking all this up. Is Greg Paulus still the quarterback of that team? Anyway, whatever the exact number of teams in this conference is, they all seemed hell bent on letting FSU stumble to another National Championship. Appreciate it, guys. I know it’s been a blast mercilessly berating the Big 12 for their ridiculous "One True Champion" motto, but somehow the ACC has them beat in the worst conference slogan arms race. "Better Bring Your A Game" fails in all aspects. Did they bring in a focus group of eight-year olds to come up with that?

Their city: Tallahassee isn't in the tropical paradise part of Florida you actually want to visit. That would be South Florida. According to real Flawwridians, South Flawwrida isn't the real Flawwrida. Tallahassee is essentially Georgia, which explains why their fan base is so enamored with all the "duck hunt" puns. DERR DUCK HUNTIN'. LOVE SHOOTIN' SHIT DERR.

Tallahassee PD: Perhaps scummier than Jameis Winston! Either that, or just completely inept at their job. One or the other. Have they been protecting and enabling Florida State football players for years? Debatable…but most definitely. Did they intentionally hinder the Jameis Winston sexual assault case? I don't know…but yes.

Mike McIntyre and Walt Bogdanich from the New York Times wrote an interesting and in depth article on the subject matter. Check it out HERE.

Their coach: Jameis Winston's benefactor/babysitter, Jimbo Fisher, who speaks about as eloquently as Farmer Fran from The Waterboy. Below is a quote from Jimbo that he told his star quarterback following their win over Notre Dame.

"Here's what you gotta do. Calm down, don't give them that over-exuberant look," Fisher told Winston. "Act very passive right here and get people back on your side. You understand what I'm telling you? Humble. Humble pie."

Disgusting. But should we really be surprised with all the trouble circulating FSU football when THIS is the man leading the program? Also, WHERE ARE YOUR SIDEBURNS, JIMBO?!

Speaking of "dignity" in the classroom, here's a tidbit from a tutor who once worked with Florida State football players:

"Like the blue-chip defensive secondary leader who wrote his personal essay for an openly gay professor on the time in high school he gleefully commanded a posse to bash a girly fag near to death, caved the queer's face, and ruined his smile.

Or the hulking offensive star who brought a friend to help him corner a short, pretty instructor alone in her closet office and scare her within an inch of her life for telling the athletic department he was clowning in class.

Or the top offensive player who sought tutoring from me on a plagiarized paper while tweaking on uppers. Or the standout lineman who never showed for my lectures or turned much in except for a term paper written in someone else's voice, then magically disappeared from the class roll when I resisted the team handlers who pressed me not to fail him.

These guys are all starters at Florida State University. They're probably going to play for the national title; they're almost certainly going to go high in the NFL draft. None of them is older than 22, and they already have longer Wikipedia entries than anyone on the FSU faculty." –Adam Weinstein

Jimbo will NOT answer your hard questions about his star quarterback's off-the-field issues, ok?

Bobby Bowden: Bobby Bowden is idolized by the Seminole faithful as if he's some oracle. This is despite the fact that he was fired before the start of the Jimbo regime. Bobby boy brought the 'Noles three two National Championships. Pre BCS era titles are worthless and shouldn't be acknowledged. Fun fact: Bobby Bowden once changed the name of Renegade's rider (now Osceola) to "Savage Sam." That's a move that would make even Dan Snyder cringe. But Bobby's backwood's logic probably thought it was a swell idea. Yuh, that's catchy right therrNot like them Indyuns are human err anythang. Oh, but Bobby Bowden contributed so much more to FSU than just National Championship's and derogatory mascot names. Bowden recruited players with IQ's AS LOW AS 60, which sadly implies an intellectual disability. These players reading levels were that of a 2nd grader to put it in perspective. In other words, no way in hell could these "student-athletes" meet the standard Florida State University curriculum. This would be a problem at most other colleges. It's not at Florida State. Because winning football games takes precedence over actually educating "student-athletes" and preparing them for life outside of football, strings were pulled. Cheating occurred, and academic dishonesty was tolerated to keep these players on the field. Hoards of Seminole players were liberally labeled "LD," which falsely identified them as having learning disabilities that prevented them from failing their classes. Eventually, the Seminoles were caught and the roof finally caved in. Bobby Bowden pretended to be completely unaware of what transpired. Florida State soon raised academic standards for athletes. After losses surmounted on the gridiron, they lowered them once again. In the end, wins were vacated, but the same transgressions that took place during the Bobby Bowden years, are still not completely ridden of at Florida State.

Here's the full story on the Bobby Bowden academic scandal.

Their quarterback: Jameis Winston, who is about as likable as herpes. The only people who have succumbed to legitimately liking this repulsive clown are you sycophant 'Noles fans who have turned a blind eye to his misdeeds. Here's a Jameis Winston butchering the English language.

Now let's take a look at what Jameis does in his down time:

2012: Handcuffed for firing on squirrels with a pellet gun on a bike path near the FSU campus. No charges were filed however.

2012: Mere hours after the squirrel hunt, Winston and some of his teammates partake in a BB and pellet gun shoot out that left thousands of dollars in damage to their apartment. Charges were not filed once again.

2012: Jameis Winston is ACCUSED of sexual assault. Tallahassee PD exhibit the urgency of a middle-aged men to get a colonoscopy while furthering the investigation.

2013- ACCUSED of stealing soda from a Burger King via ketchup cups. After an employee reprimanded him, Jameis expressed his lack of concern and refused to leave the store. The employee later called the police on him. This of course amounted to nothing.

2014: Jameis steals almost $40 worth of seafood items at a Tallahassee grocery store. I'm not dropping any crab legs jokes. That horse has been beaten enough.

2014: Jameis stands on a campus table and shouts a misogynistic internet meme. Babysitter Jimbo is forced to suspend his QB for a whole game after Jameis lied about the incident.

2014: While refusing to answer questions, Jameis is cleared in his code of conduct hearing regarding his sexual assault allegations.

*Also ACCUSED of signing memorabilia. This of course pales in comparison to the allegations listed above. So well done, Jameis.

Great kid. ZERO CONVICTIONS. SCOREBOARD, HATERZ.

A key thing FSU fans are missing from the appraisal of Jameis Winston is that it doesn't rely solely on the shoulders of the verdict from the sexual assault hearing. Regardless of the outcome, Jameis' public scrutiny stemmed from much more than that. It's been one thing after another since the star quarterback arrived in Tallahassee. His long list of legal issues is not a coincidence. He is not the most unlucky guy in the world, repeatedly finding himself at the wrong place at the wrong time. In fact, it’s pretty damn difficult to accumulate Jameis’ track record. It was not all some unfortunate tragedy. Yet you dupes fail to realize all of this, and rush to defend him time and time again because, DERR WINston, 29-0.

Here's how some Florida State fans reacted to Jameis' code of conduct hearing:

Let's take a look at some of Jameis' predecessors:

EJ Manuel: In Septemeber, the Bills benched Manuel and named Kyle Orton the starter. FEAR THE NECKBEARD. You know you really underperformed when Kyle Orton is asked to come in and clean up your mess. There’s no recovering from being replaced by the ‘Neard. It’s the NFL’s rock bottom. Just ask Rex Grossman. EJ is done is Buffalo, and subsequently in the NFL entirely. He’s now destined to roam the sidelines in a baseball hat and headset for the next five years until (insert head coach) scratches their head while looking at a depth chart and is aghast once realizing EJ is still on the team. From that point on it's the Vince Young career path!

Christian Ponder: Who is only furthering my theory that shitty NFL quarterbacks bag hotter wives than elite NFL quarterbacks. The dreamboat, Christian Ponder is the second string quarterback (was only promoted to 2nd string after Matt Cassel suffered a season ending injury) on a team that is 6-8. WHAT A CATCH, SAM. You truly are one lucky gal.

Chris Weinke: AHAHAHAHA

Fortunately for Jameis, his glaring red flags will be ignored and he will get drafted - hopefully by the Bucs' - because it would be so fitting watching the Seminoles golden boy lead a home state team further into the gutter. Then we'll get to see if Jameis' errant interceptions will still be good enough to win when he isn't on the most talented team in the league. Jameis will soon overtake Jay Cutler's crown of being the NFL's most unlikable quarterback.

Key players, aka players to hate (not named Jameis Winston): Their damn tight end. I'm convinced Nick O'Leary is Red Lightning’s biological brother who took all the good genes. Florida State fans love them some Nick O’Leary. Their love is akin to Patriots fans and their undying affection for Julian Edelman (formahly Welkah). This is because when O’Leary succeeds, it’s like they’re succeeding. Nick O’Leary represents what their football career could have been if that nagging injury didn't end it. They want their sons to grow up to be Nick O’Leary because the kid doesn’t wear gloves or any of that other showboat gear. A thick beard too! HE’S SO GRITTY. O’Leary has reaped all the benefits of playing alongside the likes of Rashad Greene and other players who defenses are far more concerned with. After Jameis gets twenty minutes to roam around looking for an open receiver, the defense is usually preoccupied chasing after the deep threats. Meanwhile, Nick O’Leary is all by himself with his finger up his nose, and not a defender within 50 feet. This is how ALL Nick O’Leary touchdowns occur. In case you were wondering, Nick O’Leary touchdowns actually count for two in the hearts of Seminole fans. Did you know he’s Jack Nicklaus’ grandson? Brent Musburger makes damn sure to mention this fact every time he broadcasts a Seminoles game. Isn't nepotism great?! I hope Jack leaves him out of the will. Wide receiver, Rashad Greene won the lottery with Ifo's season-ending injury. Damn you, Rashad and the stars for aligning in your favor. Running-back Karlos Williams should be expected to play (missed the ACC championship game with a concussion). Karlos was also under investigation at one point in time this year for…things. Oh, and star running-back, Dalvin Cook recently got wrapped up in some legal issues of his own involving a gun and assault charges. So…yeah. Florida State is still loaded with future NFL players. Fortunately, they lost a TON of talent. Let's talk about some of the players from last year's championship team that are now GONE:

Adios, Kelvin Benjamin. His absence inhibits Jameis being able to close his eyes and chuck it into the 6’6 receiver’s general area for a completion. DB’s, Lamarcus Joyner and Terrence Brooks are now gone too, along with their crop tops. And bye bye, DT Timmy Jernigan, RB Devonta Freeman, and C Bryan Stork. So much talent lost. The good news for 'Noles fans is that Red Lightning still has eligibility.

What you shouldn't hate: Burt Reynolds mustache. Look at this token of manhood. Also, Hunter S. Thompson. You know that guy lived to be 67? That may not seem like too lengthy of a lifespan, but keep in mind the amount of various synthetic substances that were festering throughout his body at all times. Both attended Florida State.

Most inglorious alum: Barring athletes, because FSU has so many worthy candidates, I’m going to have to go with Scott Stapp - Creed's frontman. What an awful band. Nickelback may take the brunt of the jokes while discussing abysmal bands (all of which are justified), but Creed deserves the same level of ridicule and scorn.

Unconquered: In 2003 Florida State resurrected their iconic "Unconquered" statue that features Osceola and Renegade in front of Doak Campbell. FSU loves flaunting their fellowship with the Seminole tribe with all the "we promise to represent your tribe with honor" quality PR the Washington Redskins have failed miserably at. The "Unconquered" moniker was a nice consolation gift for the three freaking wars that were waged on the Seminole tribe in attempt to rid them completely. NOT ONE…NOT TWO. All our footbaw wins will make you forget about the mass genocide our country plotted against your people. From here on out we shall refer to you as "Unconquered," even though we all know that's really not what happened LOL. Enjoy this dignity on our behalf. Are we not merciful?

SEC bias: Seminoles fans love hammering the nails in their wrists when discussing ESPN's "SEC bias." This is absurd since ESPN drones like Danny Kanell (former FSU QB) are constantly praising the Sunshine State for all its footbaw talent. Brent Musburger uncontrollably climaxes every time he get's the opportunity to announce that a kid from Flawwrida just made a play.

Their fans: Florida State could start a fascist dictator at quarterback and their fans would be like, YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD. IT'S THE MEDIA THAT CLEARLY HAS IT OUT FOR HIM WITH ALL THEIR LIES AND PROPAGANDA. David Koresh's Branch Davidians weren't as oblivious and delusional as these people. They've all bought into this conspiracy that the whole world is determined to deprive their Seminoles from GRIDIRON GLORY. At the head of it all, ESPN. ESPN is the one leading the way because they obviously favor the SEC and have an agenda in place to vilify Florida State. They're a fan base that's all paranoid and out of touch with reality. Worst of all, they'll never understand why Florida State is so strongly detested because they lack self-awareness. Football has clouded their minds and constrains them from thinking rationally. There are Seminoles fans literally offering bounties for reporters who allegedly have it out for the 'Noles. This is an actual thing. They proudly subscribe to a number of lies: That Jameis Winston is a decent human being, that their program is run on character and integrity, that Jameis Winston and their program are victims of an unjust witch-hunt, and that FSU's backlash was conceived purely from jealousy over their success. This culture has been the norm for years in Tallahassee and it will NEVER change. Winning games is and ALWAYS be of the utmost importance. Your team could win the next 20 National Championships's for all I care, Seminoles fans. Enjoy the wins, the titles, and blue-chip recruits. Have all of it. It's been made clear that's all you people care about. Nothing else matters. I'd rather Oregon fade into obscurity with the likes of Cal and Colorado than resemble your mockery of a program in the slightest bit. Of all the program's in college football, yours is by far the most disgraceful, and it's been that way for quite some time.