Valentine's Day is this Friday, and you've forgotten to plan something for your sweetheart again haven't you, you useless Neanderthal? Frankly, I don't blame you. A Christian missionary is made a martyr by the Romans, Chaucer writes a poem about birds, and now you have to put on adult pants and buy dinner and presents? It doesn't make any god damn sense. But, like Gerard Butler's position as a borderline A-list movie star or the fact that apparently small dogs are now allowed to run free in department stores, you go along with it despite your lack of understanding*.
So here you find yourself, three days to Valentine's Day and nothing to give your one and only (or one and we started dating in January and you like them juuuuust enough to keep seeing them but dont want this holiday to push this relationship to a level you don't really want it to go because you don't see it going anywhere). Fortunately, I planned my Valentine's Day extravaganza weeks ago because I am fucking chivalrous, and a catch on just about every metric, and I can use my free time to find gifts for you to buy your significant other. Amazon is for the lazy and unoriginal, and all the other cliché gifts like flowers, chocolates, or teddy bears just scream, "I have no idea what kind of person you are, and I'm doing the minimum amount of thinking required for this nonsense." No, for a truly unique and memorable Valentine's gift, there's only one place to turn: eBay. Here's your shopping list:
Oregon Ducks Checkers, Special Rival Edition - Let's face facts. If you knew how to play chess, you'd also know how to plan a Valentine's Day by yourself, instead of listening to some blowhard on the Internet. Bonus game: play the role of Lyle Moevao, and throw your pieces directly in the trash on your way to the Sun Bowl.
Dion Jordan bobblehead - the comically-oversized, movable face mask really ties the whole piece together.
Marcus Mariota jersey - Yep. Seems legit.
"Custom" Oregon Ducks jersey - It's custom, so you know it must be good.
Demetrius Williams autographed rookie card - This is mostly just to point out Demetrius Williams' "signature" on this card, which is just half a cootie shot on paper. A search for his autograph turns up many signatures that look like actual signatures. So what happened with this card? Was Williams abducted by aliens midway through his signature? Is this part of his "minimalist" phase? Is he expressing inner loss and anguish by penning an emoticon who is yelling because he just lost an eye? You'll never know if you don't buy the card. Also of note: no one knows what Lyle Moevao's signature looks like because Walter Thurmond III keeps stealing his pens.
2006 Oregon-USC "Showdown" shirt - I'm sure the seller knocked the price down to $14.99 because it "has some small paint stains on it". Otherwise, this shirt commemorating a 35-10 loss to USC is worth $30 easy.
Quack Out Loud spirit tee, size 4XL - Get the worst Oregon spirit tee of all time, in a size that fits no one! Cover your RV with it, take it camping as a sleeping bag, use it as a tarp for your high school's baseball field! Literally do anything but wear it, because it will be too big and it'll still have a dumb slogan on it.
Oregon Ducks Fox Sports Robot Keychain - I can personally guarantee that if you give this to your dearly beloved, they will be the only one they know with this one-of-a-kind keepsake, because there's NO REASON WHY THIS SHOULD EXIST! Warning: choking hazard, so do not purchase if you are dating Lyle Moevao.
Nike Air Foamposite One, size 10.5 - Note: only buy these if you are currently in a relationship with me. Matter of fact, you can go ahead and buy these shoes for me even if we aren't dating, and there's a good-to-great chance I'll put out after you give them to me.
Game-worn Franz Dorsainvil basketball jersey - Seller's note: "There is a couple light small blemish stains but nothing major." Incidentally, this is also a summation of Franz Dorsainvil's Oregon basketball career.
Signed Spencer Paysinger 8" x 10"- Man, Spitty P is one good-looking gentleman. He even makes the frosty blue backdrop we all stood in front of in elementary school look good. On second thought, don't give this to your significant other, they may attempt to leave you for sexy-ass Spencer Paysinger.
Oregon Duck golf club cover - SWEET MOSES KILL IT WITH FIRE.
- Okay, so it's a gray sweatshirt, and it says the word "YELLOW" on it in gray letters.
- ...will there be any actually yellow on the sweatshirt?
- Just one tiny strip on one wrist.
- Just one wrist? Not, like, both wrists?
- No, just one.
- Hmmm...I like it, on one condition. We print the word YELLOW in that font that every bluegrass band in history uses on their concert posters.
- THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING!
Oregon Ducks Glitter Naval Ring - So just because she's a stripper, it means she doesn't deserve to show off her team spirit? How dare you.
12-O T-shirt, size L - To be fair, this shirt was accurate for like four weeks.
Oregon Ducks Snapback Hat, "Lacer" - This is the dumbest thing ever created, and if you know anyone who owns this, you should stop being friends with them immediately, as that strain of stupid is airborne, lethal, and antibiotic-resistant.
Colt Lyerla signed silver cleats - There's a "I bet these shoes came in handy if he ever misplaced his mirror" joke to be made, but you won't see me making it, no sir. Staying very far away from that kind of edgy material.
Genuine Swarovski Crystal iPhone 5S Case - Have you ever spent more money on an iPhone case than you did on the iPhone itself? Well now's your chance. Also, crystals are light, and $50, plus they're diamonds. (Video is NSFW)
A signed photo (all to a guy named Caleb) of Chip Kelly, Ron Zook, Tim Murphy, and Rich Ellerson - with bonus unsigned photo of Tommy Tuberville! If your boyfriend's name is Caleb, he still won't want this!
Duck on a Jetski Figurine - I appreciate that the duck is practicing good water safety by wearing his life jacket, even though I'm fairly certain it's impossible for a duck to sink in water. But at least on page 29 of my search for Oregon Ducks gifts, things are still making a little sense.
OREGON DUCKS JACKET 3XL MEN'S OREGON DUCKS COAT - Go home eBay, you're drunk
*Seriously though, Gerard Butler is the fucking worst.