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The 2014 Preseason QuackPoll is Self-Aware

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We all know that preseason polls are dumb. But when has that ever stopped us from doing anything before?

Bob DeChiara-USA TODAY Sports

Preseason polls are never right. Never. Just as a recent example, in both the AP and the USA Today preseason polls in 2013, Florida was ranked above Florida State. The Gators went 4-8 last year, including losing their last seven. The Seminoles destroyed everybody, including Florida, on their way to a national title. Preseason polls are never right. Never.

But that isn't gonna stop us from doing one. The QuackPoll is back for a second year, with some old faces, and some new ones. Before we get to the polls themselves, lets meet the lineup of voters.

First, the returning dignitaries:

  • Me - I am the smartest human being here, and you should listen to me. And you absolutely should not take a look at my voting record, because it is gawd-awful.
  • David Piper - He's the Godfather of ATQ, and he had both Eastern Washington and North Dakota State in his top 25 for multiple weeks last year. A troll of the highest order.
  • Noah Dee - Noah and I have been working on ATQ's top 25 for three years now. He's like the college roommate we all had, if that college roommate had USC as his preseason #1 in 2012.
Now, the new arrivals to the poll, whom I know nothing about, and will henceforth make up biographies for:
  • Dom Pruett - One of our newest writers, Dom comes from a family of coal miners, and lived in Nepal as a goatherder for most of 2008. He is 106 years old, and a stone cold fox.
  • Rusty Ryan - Despite being one of the smartest sporting minds on staff here at ATQ, Rusty has never seen a college football game. Through a gross and coincidental misunderstanding of names and rules, he has been watching and analyzing old episodes of One Tree Hill this whole time. How these things match up, I'll never know. What a visionary.
  • seanepg- I can neither confirm nor deny that Sean Goodbody is actually Rihanna, operating under an alias because loving college football doesn't match up with her street cred. I mean, come on. Sean Goodbody? That name isn't real. At best, it's an androgynous Bond girl.
  • Brandon Levesque - Brandon has over 200 pet snakes. They are all named Manute Bol. He feeds them Four Loko and Cap'n Crunch. He does not own a suit.
  • Sean Larson - Sean spends over 40 hours a week writing Felix Hernandez erotic fan-fiction. He does this while wearing a full mariners uniform. Not the baseball team, the seafaring folk. His pipe is filled with Big League Chew.
  • Chris Jones - In an experimental surgery, Chris Jones had his feet removed, and surgically attached to his back. He is now the #1 ranked limbo competitor in the world. His favorite food is Starkist tuna and Otter Pops, pureed together and served room temperature.
  • Ryan Dosen - Ryan may be here to talk Oregon Xs and Os, but did you know Ryan was a co-creator of the hit television show Silver Spoons? He briefly dated both Mo'nique and Glenn Close simultaneously. He did not tell either actress of the other's existence. As a result of the fallout of this deception, he now walks with a visible limp, and is unable to taste salty foods.

...holy crap that's a lot of voters. This poll might make some actual sense this year. Here we go!

Rank Team Points (250 max)
1 Florida State (9) 225
2 Alabama 219
3 Oregon 207
4 Oklahoma 189
5 Michigan State 187
6 Auburn 175
7 UCLA 172
T-8 Baylor 167
T-8 South Carolina 167
10 Stanford 133
11 USC 123
12 LSU 118
13 Wisconsin 117
14 Ohio State 108
15 Georgia 86
16 Arizona State 83
17 Clemson 79
18 Texas A&M 54
19 Notre Dame 47
20 Ole Miss 46
21 Missouri 38
22 Kansas State 35
23 Texas 29
T-24 Oklahoma State 26
T-24 Louisville 26

Also receiving votes: Air Force (25), Akron (24), Miami (24), Central Florida (24), Arizona (22), Alabama-Birmingham (22), Appalachian State (21), North Carolina (21), Arkansas (18), Washington (18), Arkansas State (17), Army (16), Michigan (15), Ball State (14), Boston College (12), Duke (12), Bowling Green (11), BYU (10), Buffalo (9), Cal (8), Marshall (7), Iowa (6), Utah State (6), Nebraska (6), Washington State (5), Central Michigan (5), Cincinnati (4), Texas Tech (4), Mississippi State (2), Colorado (2), Marshall (2), Virginia Tech (2), Colorado State (1), Northwestern (1)

***

Yep, that's a lot of nonsense teams receiving votes. Why did this happen, you might ask? Because Rusty Ryan voted in alphabetical order. Thus, the first-place vote for Air Force, and so on. Because of this, Rusty Ryan wins the inaugural Drunken Voter of the Week award, going to the voter whose poll makes the least actual sense. Congratulations, asshole. I want the seven minutes of my life I spent counting and typing your votes back.

The Lazy Voter of the Week award, which will eventually be presented to the voter who makes the least movement from one week to the next, goes in our first week to David Piper, who submitted last year's final AP Poll. Plagiarism will not be tolerated Mr. Piper. You're on thin ice. Watch your ass.

The Sheep Voter of the Week goes to Sean Larson, whose Top 10 is just the Top 11 in ESPN's Power Rankings, minus Ohio State. Why can't you be an unreasonable lunatic and rank Baylor #3 like I did??

And now, the Bias list:

Voter Loves Hates
Tako Baylor (#3) Auburn (#20)
Chris UCLA (#4) Clemson (#22)
Brandon South Carolina (#4) Texas A&M (#22)
Rusty Akron (#2) Oregon (unranked)
Sean L. Oklahoma (#3) Ohio State (unranked)
Dave Auburn (#2) Wisconsin (#22)
Dom Michigan State (#3) Auburn (#14)
Noah Stanford (#8) Texas A&M (unranked)
Ryan Ohio State (#7) USC (#17)
Sean G. USC (#9) Texas A&M (unranked)

Be sure to check back every Wednesday for our poll, but especially next Wednesday. The post-Week 1 poll is always my favorite, because of the tiniest of actual sample sizes. I can't wait to rank UC Davis #1 when they upset Stanford.