It was a bit of a rough sports weekend for me. (For which none of you care.)
I’ll babble on anyway.
My Oakland A’s (you know, that really poor team) are currently in the process of performing perhaps the greatest choke job in MLB history. (They held the best record in baseball through the All Star Break and are now on the verge of missing the playoffs entirely.)
The worst part is that Brad Pitt traded away our slugger for a pitcher who is likely going to return to the team that traded him to us, at the end of the season. Our other main players will be in Red Sox and Yankees uniforms either next year or the following one. This happens after every season and it should rank as one of the great traditions in sports.
I’m also a 49ers fan. (Yes, that team a lot of you Northwesterners hate.) The 49ers blew another lead this past Sunday to lose to their division rivals the Cardinals and fall to 1-2. Although, witnessing this loss didn’t hurt as much as the colossal collapse to the Bears did two weeks ago. The 17-point lead blown in the Levi’s opener takes the cake on that one! Watching your team lose a 17-point lead is like chatting a girl up at the bar for two hours, only to have her leave with another guy at closing time.
It was the same script 49er fans have become all too familiar with lately:
Let’s watch our 49ers come out of the gates blazing hot and executing on all cylinders!
Witness them build a significant lead in the first half. After halftime, watch as they take their foot off the pedal to better assist their opponent in getting back into the game. (Frank Gore running up the gut for 2 yards at a time usually exemplifies this.)
After seemingly an eternity of watching them play like dog feces, it sets up the dramatic final drive with time running out in the fourth quarter and in need of a TD.
Watch Kap lead them into the red zone with the same urgency and crisp passes witnessed in the first half. All the while, your hope and expectations are surmounting again. Watch as Kap then crushes your spirit with either an incomplete errant pass or an interception to end the game.
Rinse, lather, and repeat.
It’s like clockwork. I swear the 49ers need to trademark it.
But I had my Ducks at least. The #2 team in the country was playing a two-loss team that avoids running the ball as if their RB’s have leprosy. Oh and their defense is atrocious too. Gotta mention that abysmal defense. So, what could go wrong?
Of course Washington State made a game of it. Fortunately Dior Mathis got away with a blatant pass interference that helped the Ducks win a game they could have easily lost. Wrap your heads around that. Oregon almost lost to Washington State this past Saturday. Thankfully the Ducks didn’t falter and their playoff hopes remain alive and well.
My thoughts from the game: Mariota, so hot right now. Mariota.
But let’s not talk about the Ducks or the Pac-12 at all for that matter. There will be plenty of time for that. Let’s take a look at what happened elsewhere in the college football landscape last weekend.
(20) Kansas State 14
I’m still waiting for Auburn’s immaculate luck to run out. While I did appreciate them defeating Alabama in devastating fashion last year more than Harvey Updyke enjoyed killing their trees, Auburn is back to being full blown irritating again. Someone please beat them. Soon.
The Big 10 managed to not lose another out-of-conference game! They still suck. I appreciate Iowa’s knockoff Steelers uni’s though. They’re sending a message with those bad boys. They’re going to come out, hit you in the mouth, and play monotonous football JUST LIKE the team who practically patented it. The Steelers. Intramural leagues have more athleticism than Iowa football. The only reason I succumbed to watch this snooze fest is because it was the least boring of all the early games which are NEVER entertaining. Random thoughts from watching: When the Big 10 comes to mind, I think of a lumbering linebacker with a Polish last name. "His 40 time is lagging, as is his overall versatility but Nowakowski? KID SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER."
(11) Michigan State 71
Eastern Michigan 14
Michigan State beat up on poor Eastern Michigan. The score was 49-0 at halftime. The Spartans sure flexed their muscle in this one. Watch out college football! Michigan State is back on track! The Spartans get Oregon’s sloppy seconds next week when they take on Wyoming. GET EM COWBOYS.
Bowling Green 17
(19) Wisconsin 68
Melvin Gordon is a monster.
Troy 0 (13)
I didn’t watch this game nor did I bother reading any sort of stats or recap from it. But I imagine Todd Gurley playing against Troy to be like when Spike played against the Little Giants. "You’re mine, pom pom."
Duke is still undefeated too! Seeing them in the Quack Polls made me think it was some sort of inside joke that I was left out of. After further research I found out they were very much for real. I really wanted to insert a Greg Paulus joke in here somewhere but I have nothing. You win some you lose some, right? Also, Duke won the lottery in terms of scheduling this season. They don’t have to play Clemson or Florida State. However if they are fortunate enough to make it to the ACC title game, Florida State will obliterate them like they did last year.
(3) Alabama 42
I was obviously all "Go Gata" before this one. Will Muschamp was his typical psycho self on the sidelines where his red face’s veins appeared susceptible to burst at any given time. Somehow, what was once a close game turned into a blowout. I thought Bama was supposed to take a dip this year after they lost their glorified game manager to the NFL. "ZOMG, A.J. MCCARRON HAS A HAWT GIRLFRIEND." At least we don’t have to hear that anymore.
(6) Texas A&M 58
After losing WR Mike Evans and football’s Justin Bieber to the NFL, I wrote A&M off. Welp, here they are again undefeated. I hear Kenny Football isn’t a saint himself but he’s going to have one gigantic mountain to climb if he wants to reach Manziel’s level of debauchery. That is something that just can’t be taught. On the field, it looks like A&M doesn’t miss you as much as we all thought they would, eh Johnny? It’s a shame SMU is still incapable of putting up a fight against adequate teams. However, feeling pity for SMU’s football despair in the post death-penalty era is like sympathizing with Enron’s accountants. (SMU practically had a pay role that rivaled any NFL team in the ‘80s.) But after watching Pony Excess, there I was pulling for the school like I was a 4th generation legacy. Hands down the best 30 for 30 in my opinion.
How is BYU still undefeated? How do they field a competitive team year after year? Anyone? I’m befuddled to no end.
(18) Missouri 27
Name the one Big 10 team you would have least expected to beat a ranked SEC opponent. The majority of you would have answered Indiana.
Penn State 48
Penn State has risen back to prominence. Well, not really but they’re 4-0 and their post-season ban has recently been lifted. With that being said, Penn State is still a mediocre team at best and was even before the Sandusky scandal hit. Since they play in the worst of the big 5 conferences however, they have a legit chance at winning the Big 10. Now more Beaver Stadium "white-outs" get to grace our televisions in the near future. Lucky us.
Mississippi State 34
The media builds up Saturday Night in Death Valley as if LSU’s opponent is invading Russia in the winter. LSU NEVER LOSES AT HOME. I honestly didn’t give Mississippi State much of a chance but they completely outplayed LSU from top to bottom. Hats off. Les Miles is still one of my favorite coaches in all of sports. Like Mike Leach, you never know what’s going to come out of his mouth. The man eats grass, can’t clap his hands properly, and his post-game press conferences are legendary. Yeah, I’d follow him into battle.
(4) Oklahoma 45
West Virginia 33
West Virginia was a giant tease Saturday. They led 7-3 after the 1st quarter! Also, screw the Big 12 for not having a conference championship game. It’ll likely end up costing a team from the SEC or Pac-12 vying for a playoff spot. Leave it to the Big 12 to have 10 teams but still call their conference the Big 12. Because, "DURR, WE DON’T NEED TO BE ALL FANCY LIKE AND CHANGE THE DANG NAME."
(14) South Carolina 48
SCAR (Because, no you’re NOT the real USC Gamecock fans) could lose 2 more games and somehow they’d still probably find themselves ranked in the top 15 at the seasons end. SEC. SEC. SEC.
(22) Clemson 17
(1) Florida State 23
Clemson lost to FSU again because of course they did. How many yards and TD’s did Jameis throw for? Oh wait he didn’t play, at all. You disgust me Clemson. Seriously though, Florida State has the most unbearable player in all of college football. Can that be repeated enough? I don’t think so. Clemson ALMOST pulled this one off too. Too many missed field goals and THAT FUMBLE. They had the ball by the 25 with less than two minutes to go in a tie game. All they had to do was run the ball (securely) and hope their kicker could hit the chip shot. Nope, that was too difficult. They fumbled and Florida State would go on to win in overtime. Football is an unforgiving game. But why should I expect any different from a school whose claim to fame is having their players take a reckless jog down a steep hill before the game. It’s time consuming and a waste of resources. (They have to take busses just to get to the takeoff spot.) Who the heck thought that would be a great idea? What about the players coming off of ACL tears and other leg injuries, or the 300-pound linemen? "Yeah, go run down that giant hill in an overcrowded herd. IT’S TRADITION."
(24) Nebraska 41
Nebraska-Miami was once a game people actually cared about since it carried national title implications. Not anymore. Miami hasn’t been the same since their boosters realized they couldn’t bribe recruits. Nebraska is still your grandpa’s Nebraska (Only with more dreadlocks) and undefeated although that is soon to change. Head coach Bo Pelini still looks like he’s about to put the towel boy in a headlock at any given moment.
Even though they’re no where near the top 25 I couldn’t go without laughing at another Michigan loss. They lost to a run-of-the-mill Pac-12 team at home. And it wasn’t even close. Remember Brady Hoke’s outburst over people not considering Michigan an elite coaching job anymore? No it’s not Brady. No it’s not. Michigan fans hold the crown for being the absolute worst in college football. "WE ARE COLLEGE FOOTBALL." Michigan ACTUALLY uses this as a slogan. Talk to a Michigan fan and the first thing they’ll mention is how Michigan has the most wins in college football. Despite ignoring the fact that a good amount of these wins came before women could vote. Michigan students and alums overrate their schools academic prestige even more than their football al a UDub folk. They didn’t even like the greatest player in the program’s history when he was there. Deep down they wanted Drew Henson, not Tom Brady. Their precious catchphrase doesn’t even make any sense. "Go Blue" is awful. Your colors are MAIZE and blue, maize being the far more iconic of the two. This slogan would work for Penn State because that’s their ONLY COLOR. Why do you feel the need to seclude maize Michigan, why?
That's all I got. Until next time, Go Ducks.