If you've read any Tako Tuesdays before, you'll know that I'm a man of simple tastes. I don't beclutter my mind with complex notions like zone blitz schemes, offensive line blocking technique, or counting past eight all in one go. I keep to the basics; food, water, shelter, touchdowns. As a result of my emotional incapacities, I tend to rely on narrative to measure the relative strength or weakness of things. For instance, I assume that all men that work out too much, drive gigantic cars, and have dozens of tattoos, also have large wieners. But that one is pretty obvious. I also knew that Oregon's football team couldn't beat a physical, old school, FOOBAW kind of team, as evidenced mostly by their losses to Stanford in 2012 and 2013. That's what the narrative said, so that's what I believed.
And now, after Oregon's resounding 46-27 win over Michigan State, I don't even know what to think.
It was a win that left no doubt. Oregon wasn't pushed around; in fact, the dominated the line of scrimmage for virtually all of the second half. And the Ducks did not get the lucky bounces; they had to dive about eighteen feet to catch them. On Saturday - a day when Ohio State and Stanford lost, Florida State and Auburn looked bored, and UCLA just looked like crap - Oregon kicked in the door to the College Football Playoff party, with a case of Natty under each arm. They shotgunned them all. They did not share.
But where does that leave me? Here I am, supposedly an expert on all things Oregon sports, and I have no idea what my team's new narrative is, and it doesn't seem like anyone else is looking for one. Without a narrative, how will our team have anything to prove? Looks like it's up to me to save the day, as usual.
Oregon can't beat...a team from Ohio - The Ducks are 0-8 all-time against teams from the Buckeye State. All eight losses are against the state's namesake, the Buckeyes of Ohio State. Looks like we need to schedule a home-and-home with Kent State or Akron to put this one to rest.
Oregon can't beat...a team with a home field playing surface that is not green - And considering how both teams have looked so far this season, I'd almost rather play Boise State than Eastern Washington.
Oregon can't beat...Harvard - in the Rose Bowl, no less! Shameful. I require a home-and-home with the Crimson immediately. I'll bring apples, caramels, and my copy of Gordon Wood for the road game in Cambridge.
Oregon can't beat...a bunch of teams we make fun of all the time - The Ducks' combined record against Iowa State, Kansas, Kentucky, Northwestern, and Wake Forest? 0-4-1. Sure, we haven't played Iowa State and Kentucky yet. But we haven't played 'Bama yet either, and we can't beat them, ask anybody.
Oregon can't beat...teams that play two QBs at once - Looking at you, Louisiana-Monroe and anybody who runs the A-11 offense.
Oregon can't beat...a team comprised exclusively of extraterrestrial beings -
EXTRATERRESTRIAL FOOTBALL RANKINGS
999. Kevin Spacey in K-Pax
Oregon can't beat...the New England Patriots - But only because they won't schedule us PAWWWWWWWWWL.
Oregon can't beat...Ashton Eaton in the decathlon - To be fair, no one can. Though I'd interested to see Oregon's ten best football players take on Eaton, by himself. Dior Mathis, BJ Kelley, or Thomas Tyner could compete in the 100 meters, Devon Allen would probably beat Eaton in the 110 hurdles. The other eight events? No clue. But it'd be entertaining, that's for sure.
Looks like the Ducks have some work to do. Got any other narratives for Oregon to wreck? Leave 'em in the comments.