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Your Super Bowl XLIX Rooting Guide: Patriots Edition

We all know who this guy is rooting for!

Amy Sussman/Getty Images

With football season nearing its end, your entrusted friends at ATQ are here to offer you one last bit of gridiron analysis. It's time to discuss the Super Bowl by doing it the best way I know how-by making fun of both teams with very minimal insight into the actual game itself. Hopefully, after reading these, all you non Pats and Seahawks fans will have some idea as to what team you will be rooting for this Sunday.

I will do the Patriots edition, and Sean Larson, a hardcore 12er, will take care of the Seahawks one. Please note that I am a fan of the shitty 49ers (GO AHEAD AND LAUGH), which means I hate both of these teams and their sustained success. Moving on!

Team: New England Patriots

Record: 12-4, AFC Champions…once again. Fun fact: The rest of the AFC East (The Big 10 of the NFL) had a combined record of 21-27 this year. Yes, the Pats are in yet another Super Bowl, and despite the many holes in their roster, should we really be surprised? We all knew it was either the forehead or the Uggs guy punching his ticket to Glendale out of the AFC. The same four teams have been contending for AFC supremacy for over a decade. We all need to accept the fact that this trend will continue for quite some time.

Notable players (According to Patriots fans):

Julian Edelman: Ah, dearest Julian. Solid little bugga! He's like football's Dustin Pedroia, whom by the way would make one helluva slawt receivuh! Minitrawn has helped heal the scawws that were left when Welkuh depawted. What gawgage that guy is now. ABSOLUTE TRAITUHHH! By the way, I just cashed my pay check and headed ovah to the Spawts Authahrity to purchase the most practical thing I could think of: an Edelman jersey. What did I do with my old Welkuh jersey you might ask? WIPED MY ASS WITH IT THEN BURNED IT.

Rob Ninkovich: I swearuh to Gawd, no team can win a Supa Bowl without a guy like Ninkovich! If I evah see that guy out, the lawwger's aw on me! I'd also offah him my sistah. Ninkovich is my kind of guy. He's like Varitek and Millahhh rolled into one. Rawb is a REAL BAWSTON kind of guy, and not a SAWFT Califawwrnian like Brady and Edelman.

Rob Gronkowski: When he's nawt gettin' his rawcks off with porn staws, Grawnk has proven to be quite dependable, and Tawmmy's favorite tawget. And we woulda won that last Supa Bowl is he was healthy! FACK YOU, ELI!!!

Tom Brady: Even though I think that Puerto Rican Cuban Brazilian wife of his has made him a bit sawft, Tawmmy still deserves to be regawded as the best QB in the league. Go choke on a Pawpa Jawwn's, Peyton!

Danny Amendola: The poor man's Woodhead. That little shit played with so much moar hawwrt! Amendola gets hurt every five minutes, which is something us Bawston fans have no time for! This city is too TOUGH to be represented by such weaklings. We only applaud HAWD NOSED GUYS.


Head coach: Cut-off sweatshirt enthusiast, Bill Belichick. Through his grunts and monotone interviews, we've all been led to believe the guy is a football savant. And he probably is. A prick? Absolutely, but one hell of a ball coach nonetheless. Did he orchestrate two of the biggest cheating scandals in NFL history? Technically NO. We should all believe whole heartedly that 11 of the 12 Patriots balls being deflated was just some coincidence and caused by things such as…changes in the environment. And Spy Gate? It was only the Jets people! Belichick is too smawwt to engage in such wrawngdoing's! We aw NAWT CHEATAH'S!

Owner: Robert Kraft. Essentially every owner in the NFL is a snooty douchebag, but somehow Robert Kraft takes the whole fucking cake on being the absolute worst of all. Yes, even Jerruh Jones isn't as obnoxious. Bob proudly preaches the Patriot Way, which if you didn't know what that was, is as awful as it sounds. In typical NFL owner fashion, Robert Kraft truly believes his organization is head and shoulders above the other 31 teams when it comes to class and integrity. In other words, the Patriots do everything the right way. Whatever the hell that means. To them, their decade long run of success hasn't been because they were lucky to have a top 2 quarterback of all time, but rather because they were able to get all the HIGH CHARACTER GUYS through virtuous scouting and karma from the football God's, who reward their consistent benevolence. Even when they have a murderer at tight end, they handle the situation with so much more class than any other organization would. Part of me wants the Seahawks to win just so I can see a dismayed Robert Kraft in his luxury box after yet ANOTHER Super Bowl loss. Ah, such a sight.

For once, I just want an owner to be like, I could care less how 'upstanding' my team is. My job is to win football games. Robert Kraft and his BFF, Roger Goodell contribute to this preposterous notion that the NFL has this responsibility to be the moral compass for all of society. It's a freaking game where its players are now being proven to suffer extreme brain damage just from participating in it. The words integrity and principles, and all that other generic mission statement B.S. are about as out of place as romance in porn.

Worst celebrity fan: Wahlberg is the easy choice, but Affleck deserves the title. No one does the faux Boston tough guy persona better than ol' Ben! I'm such a fackin' hoodlum from Southie. Don't fack with me or I'll go full Doug MacRay on ya!! I love my Sawwx and Jennifuh Gawdnuhh. Ben Affleck once said he knew the Pats were going to win the Super Bowl in 2001 when the Rams were introduced individually, and the Patriots ran out as a team. GAG ME. Those Rams have no cawwncept of team!

Duck-Patriots: Running back, LeGarrette Blount and safety, Patrick Chung. Patrick Chung has the best college shout out on Sunday Night Football: FACT.

Patrick Chung...THE DUCKS

Why you should root for the Patriots: I'm grasping at straws here because the Patriots are about as unlikeable as it gets. They have very few redeeming qualities. For over a decade they have been the thorn in all of our sides and much to our dismay, they JUST. WON'T. GO. AWAY. It seems like every other year we're all forced to sit through another Pats Super Bowl. Yippee!

However, If you live in the general radius of Seahawks fan territory and you're NOT a 'Hawks fan, odds are you don't find Marshawn Lynch's antics cute, Sherman's rants insightful, or Russell Wilson to be such a totally awesome guy! Therefore, you're likely rooting for the Patriots.

If you're a girl without a strong allegiance to a particular team, you're likely rooting for the Patriots because ZOMG TOM BRADY'S SO HAWT.

Also, Marshawn Lynch grabs his penis when he scores a touchdown. HOW DARE HE?!?! A celebration of such completely undermines and tarnishes the integrity and honor of this great league. What ever happened to family values and the days when guys just handed the ball to the ref?!

If the Seahawks repeat, I will be wearing a Steve Largent jersey to my classes for a week straight, so there's that.

Why you shouldn't root for the Patriots: RANT TIME. Where to begin? Let's start off with Ballghazi, the story that has been shoved down our threats mercilessly by ESPN for the past two weeks. In short, the Patriots had 11 of their 12 balls deflated below the required league weight rule in the AFC Championship against the Colts. There's speculation that these shenanigans revolving deflated balls occurred throughout the season and into the playoffs. This of course is a HUGE DEAL because deflated balls offer a number of benefits, as in they're much easier to catch and hold onto. But I'm sure you're all fed up with hearing about Tom's deflated balls so let's move on to a more important issue.

Their fucking fans. Let it be be known that I have never been to Masshole country, or the east coast for that matter, but has a lack of first-hand experience ever stopped me from making false presumptions? I have lived on the west coast my entire life yet the number of "Patriot fans" I know is in double figures. This is unacceptable for numerous reasons. Boston sports attract by far more "band wagoners" than any other sports city in America. This is usually the response I get from these "hardcore" Boston transplants I talk to: Well, I have family from Massachusetts, so that's like...why I like the Sox and Patriots. Obviously these people are unaware of the whole Mayflower/Ellis Island beginnings of America, which explains why they think their New England roots are so goddamn special. YOUR FANDOM IS NOTHING BUT A LIE. Anyway, they are the worst, and are only growing in numbers. They're EVERYWHERE. Anyone wearing a perfectly weathered and bent Red Sox hat outside of New England is usually one of these people. But it isn't the whole pretentious aspect of their tandem that perturbs us all. It's their complete lack of appreciation and victimization they still exude despite witnessing nothing but dominance from their teams. No other region has experienced more professional sports success than New England in recent years. Let's tally it up. The Pats have won three Super Bowls since 2001. They have been in contention for more every year since then. The Celtics won it all in 2008 and have more NBA titles than any other franchise. The Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011. As for the cities pride and joy, The Sawwwx, well they finally rid of that damn curse they were constantly whining about and won the World Series three times since 2004. Despite all this success, Bostonians still love pretending to be the little guy just because New Yawk is a bigga mawketWE AWW SUCH UNDAHDAWWGS! Do we really want this fan base to be rewarded with yet another championship? Boston teams are set on championships for…forever. They don't need anymore. I hope they become the new Cleveland.

*Also, I really want to see Giselle lash out at the media again while criticizing one of her hubbies 5'8 receivers for dropped passes. My husband can't throw AND catch the ball all while looking really really ridiculously good looking at the same time!

Dom's Super Bowl snack pick: Tostito's rolls, because I'm a sucker for any new crap snack with a mildly entertaining commercial. MUST. HAVE. IT. NOW. Oh, but it must be consumed with the oh so important Tostito's zesty bean and cheese dip. I ate an entire jar in less than two days and don't feel an ounce of shame or regret. Solid post workout snack, I must say.

Dom's Super bowl beer pick: BUDWEISER, and not Bud Light either. That's a real 'Murican beer and there ain't anything more 'Murican than footbaw's biggest game. Go take your craft beer and go watch the Champion's League if you disagree. THESE COLORS DON'T RUN. Also, you're going to want to skip the rich beers if you're going to indulge in the zesty bean and cheese dip…for obvious reasons.

Theme song for Patriot fans: Because Tawwmy is already 37, which means the golden era is awwlmost ovah!

Cliche motivational video for Patriot fans: Look at my boy Affleck go hawd in Boila Room. Absolutely phenawwwminal.

Take it away, Sean!