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Super Bowl XLIX Rooting Guide: Seattle Seahawks Edition

I'm just writing this so I don't get fined.

By Sean Larson
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

In just over 24 hours, Super Bowl XLIX will kick off at University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Ariz. as the Seattle Seahawks look to repeat as Super Bowl champions, while the New England Patriots will try and win their first title in a decade. Seahawks and Patriots fans have been waiting for two weeks for this game, while the rest of the country has sat back and cracked jokes about deflated balls. If you're a fan of one of the 30 NFL teams that didn't make it to the Super Bowl and feel like you need a dog in the fight, Addicted to Quack has you covered.

If you're thinking about rooting for the Patriots, Dom Pruett has you covered with his reasons to root for Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and their equipment manager. They could be a popular choice among Ducks fans as they've tried and failed to win a championship in their last two appearances, so they're the relatable choice. The Patriots and Ducks have even lost a championship in the same stadium off a ridiculous play that still gives you nightmares where you find yourself waking up in the fetal position.

But if you're thinking about staying loyal to the Pacific Northwest, it's time to discuss why you should root for the Seattle Seahawks on Super Bowl Sunday.

Team: Seattle Seahawks

Record: 12-4 (NFC West champions, No. 1 overall seed in NFC playoffs). The Seahawks won the NFC West for the second consecutive season despite a shaky 3-3 start. After losing two straight games to the Cowboys and Rams in October, the Seahawks went on a tear, winning nine of their last 10 games to storm into the playoffs as the NFC's top team. Their mantra all along seemed to be, "It's not how you start, it's how you finish." Just like the Ducks, the Seahawks were known for playing like absolute crap in the first half before Pete Carroll ritually sacrificed a practice squad player in the locker room to send a message to his team. As a result, the Seahawks would go full throttle in the second half of games, showing no mercy. Their defense returned to elite status in the second half of the season. After a 24-20 loss to the Chiefs, Seattle never allowed more than 14 points the rest of the way as teams averaged 6.5 points per game against the Seahawks during their final nine games.

Notable Players

Russell Wilson, QB

Ask any Seahawks fan, and they will tell you that Russell Wilson is the second coming of Christ. Seriously, the dude is like a slightly less annoying version of Tim Tebow, if Tim Tebow was actually capable of being an NFL quarterback. And don't believe the hogwash that this guy isn't a good fantasy football quarterback. In ESPN leagues this year, Wilson was the third-highest scoring player in all of fantasy football behind Aaron Rodgers and Andrew Luck. Ask any Oregon fan about Russell Wilson and they will make a joke about how he doesn't know how to spike the ball. But that was before Wilson rose to sainthood in Seattle, engineering the single greatest comeback in NFL playoff history against the Packers. Actually, he rose to sainthood back in 2012 against the Packers when he ended a labor dispute with a game-winning interception. When he's not busy engineering game-winning comebacks, he visits sick kids in the hospital, so you know he's a good guy.

Marshawn Lynch, RB

Did you hear? Marshawn Lynch is only here so he won't get fined. There has been no player in the history of football so unanimously hated among media members as Marshawn Lynch. The guy doesn't have a social anxiety disorder, he just likes being a dick to the media. But his value to the Seahawks on the field speaks for itself, even when Beast Mode doesn't want to speak. Here's a typical game with Beast Mode. He takes to the field in his Bane mask, carries the ball a few times, usually gaining no more than a few yards. But each time Beast Mode returns to the sidelines, he takes a handful of steroids (which he refers to as some rainbow-colored candy called "Skittles") and returns to the game to do what he does best, and that is rip out your soul. He doesn't run past you, he runs straight through you, making your life flash before your eyes as he barrels down on you. Just before Beast Mode hits you, you're left wondering where it all went wrong in life and why you found yourself in this position. You never tackle another running back the rest of your career because it gives you PTSD. He also makes grown-ass men do this:

Marshawn Lynch also owns a pet raccoon named Maximus who is a certified badass, just like Beast Mode himself.

raccoon

Kam Chancellor, SS

Kam Chancellor lives in a dark place. He damages souls. They say when you look into the eyes of Chancellor, you die in seven days. This is why the NFL made him start wearing a visor during games. Chancellor does things that no human should physically be able to do, like jumping over an offensive line TWICE IN A ROW.

Kam

bam

I mean, did you see where that second field goal went? It was like Alejandro Maldonado was kicking for the Panthers. Wait, was that still too soon? Noted. He injects that type of fear into his opponents. And just when you think you stand a fighting chance, he crushes your hopes and dreams in the blink of an eye.

Richard Sherman, CB

His haters call him a thug, his fans call him a scholar. He is both. He is a Stanford graduate who isn't afraid to let emotions take over, because that's what human beings do, before composing himself to deliver articulate post-game pressers. He is the yin to Beast Mode's yang. Before the Patriots played the Seahawks in 2012, Tom Brady asked Sherman who he was, and told Sherman to find him after the game. Well, we all know how that ended. Tom Brady is still in fact mad, just as Sherman asked. Did you know Richard Sherman is also expected to be a father in a number of days? That baby is going to come busting out of the womb and deliver some epic delivery speech, because that's what a member of the Sherman clan does upon his arrival to this world. Richard Sherman is also secretly a Ducks fan, which is why you should root for him.

Jon Ryan, P

You should always be yourself. Unless you can be Jon Ryan. In that case, be Jon Ryan. Because Jon Ryan is a certified badass who signed a $9.1 million extension last year to punt footballs for a living. This is the type of world we live in, where you can make millions of dollars because you're good at kicking a football down a field. He also knows how to make a funny on Twitter.

This of course came after Ryan executed a fake field goal play called "Charlie Brown." No, seriously, the coaches were yelling Charlie Brown as the special teams unit ran onto the field. Jon Ryan played the role of Lucy. Luckily, Steven Hauschka didn't have to fall on his ass.

Head Coach: Pete Carroll, still probably hated by all Ducks fans

Pete Carroll is the bro-iest bro of all the head coaches in the NFL. If there was a beer pong fantasy draft and the pool was NFL coaches, Carroll would be my No. 1 overall pick. The man is a stone cold silver fox. Seriously, a girl I dated once told me how dreamy she thought Pete Carroll was. Carroll joined the Seahawks in 2010 after bolting from USC just months before the NCAA slapped the Trojans across the face with a two-year bowl ban. He just strolled out of Los Angeles all like

pete

Owner: Paul Allen

If you have no other reason to root for the Seahawks, let it be because of Paul Allen, the owner of your beloved Portland Jail Blazers. Oh wait, this isn't 2003? My bad. Paul Allen is the type of guy who can have whatever he wants, including sports franchises. If you look at his Wikipedia bio (because that is my trusted source for anything), it first describes Allen as an "American philanthropist." You're damn right he is, just like every other rich white dude in America. The dude co-founded Microsoft, so he's, how do we say this, financially stable. He owns the Seahawks, Blazers and is part of the ownership group of the Seattle Sounders. So if you love Rip City, root for the Seahawks.

Worst Celebrity Fan: Dave Matthews AND Macklemore

I couldn't decide between the two, so I just picked both. On Thursday, Dave Matthews raised the 12th Man flag atop the Space Needle, appearing in the public eye for the first time since singing "The Space Between," in front of a crowd of seven homeless people last summer. Fun fact: Did you know Dave Matthews played a major role in the Adam Sandler film, "Just Go With It"? It's true. He picked up a coconut with his ass in the movie. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

Macklemore is like that frat bro that tries to crash every party because he's in the most popular fraternity on campus, but hasn't figured out the entire campus hates him. Like, he used to be cool when he was all independent and stuff. But then he got famous and found a buddy with the whitest name ever to hit the play button to start his songs while jumping and clapping in the background. The Seahawks play "Can't Hold Us" whenever they score a touchdown because he's from Seattle and got famous so it's relevant!

Oregon connection: Max Unger and Will Tukuafu

Max Unger has the most difficult job on the offensive line. He has to get off a clean snap and then block a 300-pound man from getting past him. He chose Oregon over Oregon State for college, earning our love and respect forever. He also has a beard that automatically makes him the default winner of No Shave November for eternity.

unger

Will Tukuafu is the man who blocks for Marshawn Lynch. Just think about that. He's like some kind of saint to defenders, because they get blocked out of the way from an impending doom when Marshawn Lynch trucks through them before proceeding to grab his crotch. When Tukuafu blocks you downfield, you rise up and kiss his feet for sparing you from Beast Mode. He's also the type of guy you don't want to cross in a dark alley. I mean seriously, who would fight this guy? Nope, nope, nope.

tukuafu

Why you should root for the Seahawks

The Seahawks are the NFL version of the Oregon Ducks. They've got a quarterback that might actually be a modern day saint. They've got a bunch of pedestrian wide receivers that somehow make big plays despite nobody knowing their name a year ago. They play awful in the first half, poor enough to make you want to burn your own jersey, only to come back in the second half to turn on the burners for the win. In the end, they make you say, "I'm sorry I ever doubted you." For years, they were just another bunch of lovable losers from Seattle, the saddest sports city west of the Mississippi. Now, they've turned into a team that is adored by their region while being hated by the rest of the country. You know what that's called? Jealousy.

hate

You know what Seahawks fans love most? Being called bandwagon fans. Why? Because the team is finally good enough to have bandwagon fans. No one jumps on the Raiders bandwagon or the Jaguars bandwagon? Why? Because those teams suck. You know who doesn't suck? The Seahawks. They've got everything you could want in a team. They've got a quarterback who beats Super Bowl winning quarterbacks on Sunday and visits sick children in the hospital on Monday. They've got a running back who doesn't give a damn what you think about him. They've got the loudest fans in the league. And they're from the Pacific Northwest. Are you really going to root for a team from the East Coast? Hell no.

Why you shouldn't root for the Seahawks

I am a Seahawks fan who had the displeasure of living in San Francisco when I was in high school. So I'm channeling my inner stereotypical Bay Area douchebag Niners fan to write this section. Not to be confused with the wine and cheese Niners fan.

The Seattle Seahawks have the most obnoxious, stuck up fan base in the entire country. Everywhere you look, it's 12th Man this, Beast Mode that. They think their team is bigger than Jesus. For god sake, they retired the number OF SOMEONE WHO NEVER EVEN PLAYED PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. That's right, no Seahawks player will ever wear the number 12 because it hangs from the rafters of CenturyLink Field as homage to their fans, the 12th Man. What kind of arrogant crap is that? They even have tried to trademark the number 12. Read that out loud and understand how ridiculous it is. That's like saying, I want to trademark the name "John" and anyone who names their kid "John" from here on out owes me royalties.

They also like to think that nobody respects their team. I'm pretty sure if you ask anyone in the league, they'll tell you they respect the defending world champions plenty. But no, ask Doug Baldwin and he'll go on a profanity filled rant on how this season is dedicated to proving all the haters wrong who counted them out and never believed in them. They have this "Us against the world" mentality, much like the 2001 Patriots did. But the 2001 Patriots were cool, because they were a cinderella story. The Seahawks are trying to play the underdog card when in actuality, they're one of the NFL's elite teams and have been for a couple years now.

They're also from Seattle. You know who also plays football in Seattle? The Washington Huskies. Did you know that in 2000 and 2001 the Seahawks played at Husky Stadium? Did you know that in 2012 the Huskies played at CenturyLink Field? Do you really want to support a team whose fan base also largely consists of die hard Huskies fans? I didn't think so.

Sean's Super Bowl Snack Pick:

Skittles. No, really, I'm superstitious about this one. During all of Seattle's major playoff games, I eat at least one bowl of Skittles. When the Seahawks trailed the Packers in the NFC Championship, I poured myself a bowl of Skittles and didn't stop shoveling them into my mouth until the miracle was complete. During last year's Super Bowl, my friends and I poured a seven-pound bag of Skittles into a bowl and went to town. Do you know what it's like to eat out of a bowl that has seven pounds of Skittles in it? It leaves your mouth numb (anyone who has ever eaten too many Skittles at once knows the feeling I'm talking about), but sometimes, you just gotta take one for the team.

Sean's Super Bowl Beer Pick:

Bud Light. Again, this is taking one for the team. Don't get me wrong, on any given night, I'd rather chug a bottle of Everclear before I drank Bud Light. But last year during Super Bowl XLVIII, we bought a pack of bud light because it was the official beer of the Super Bowl or some horrible logic like that. We drank it all night, and the Seahawks won. So, as my family judges me this Sunday, I will be drinking Bud Light once again.

Theme song for Seahawks fans:

Seattle's theme song for this year is "The Boys are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy. Not only are they returning to the Super Bowl, but they're playing at University of Phoenix Stadium for the second time this year. The first time they made the trip this season, Marshawn Lynch did Marshawn Lynch things and the Seahawks defense shut down the Cardinals in a game with massive NFC playoff implications.

Cliche motivational video for Seahawks fans:

This was the video played at the Super Bowl last year before the Seahawks took the field. Because who doesn't like a good motivational speech from Kurt Russell? This is your time! Now go out there and take it!

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