The Ducks are set to take on THEE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY at the house Jerry built on Monday, and between injuries and suspensions for Oregon, the game can't get here soon enough. But the time has come for me to piss off yet another fan base! Hopefully the Buckeye faithful receive this article with a warmer reception than the lunatics over at #FSUtwitter did. One can hope! That being said, it’s at this very moment that I’d like to announce that the Ohio State edition will be the last installment of the Why You Should Hate series. I know you all will miss my ALL CAPS, un-proofread laced rants dearly. We had some good times - like when I was threatened with a defamation lawsuit – but it’s finally time to part ways. However, my main responsibility at ATQ as click bait, will remain in tact, so you needn't worry about me leaving you all. On that note, this last edition will not be some grand send off with my self proclaimed 'best work.' It’s syllabus week back here in Eugene, which means I’m neck deep in schoolwork. Anyway, this edition will be shittier than usual. Enjoy, you heathens.
BUT FIRST, allow me to share with you all some of the Florida State hate mail I received following my article for the Seminoles. I'm not trying to rub more salt in their tender wounds (Jameis took care of that for me), but keeping these all to myself would only be a disservice to the SB Nation community. Here are some of the more interesting one's:
And no, I did NOT make these up. Feast your eyes.
Your such an idiot
The Ducks will not win son.
What a real piece of shit you are, you need to keep your sorry ass in the west with the rest of the friggin idiots
Satire? Really? Your Artie was written with hatred and vile about something you really know little about except for what you read in the press.
Last week I was on a flight to Seattle and had with me my FSU purse. I can tell you how many snide remarks I received that were totally unprovoked! I am not a young girl but a 53 year old lady who did not deserve to be spoken to in such a manner!
Found your article somewhat interesting with a number of facts twisted if not completely wrong, but hell when one can't they write. Your an ass-hole. As your article that is my opinion of you.
His rambling, incoherent email made absolutely no sense. I award him no points, and may God have mercy on his soul.
What a piece of hating garbage your article really is, filled with inaccuracies, you are NOT a credible sportwriter. I don't have time to dissect all the filth in it, but DO have time to tell you you're full of shit up to your eyes as well as:
ACC teams shut out the SEC teams 4-0 on rivalry Sat late in November and FSU BEAT the SECs best (Auburn) less than a year ago. So what's so mighty about the SEC? FSU's out of conference teams are schedules YEARS in advance and time and time again, FSU schedules quality out of conference opponents over the years (Oklahoma, Notre Dame, Oklahoma State, Florida, Auburn (Auburn cancelled), BYU, while your beloved SEC teams schedule WIMPS and lower tiered football teams not even in the upper division. Save your hate you jealous POS.
Go Noles...... you're email address responses go straight to my garbage can. Do not even waste your time trying to weasel out a reply. What a low class.
Go fuck yourself
Punk, I don’t know what you call yourself but a literary genius is not one of them. You’re just a petty inflammatory hack.
Hands down the best email. The title was straight to the point, and his ramble was concise.
Their record: 13-1, and this does not surprise me at all. Ohio State winning the conference despite having to resort to their third string QB perfectly represents the current state of the Big 10. Ohio State could have put their punter at quarterback and their record would have stayed the same.
Their coach: The new and improved, Urban Meyer. Urban got a little too overworked in Gainesville, which led to his resignation, all so he could spend more time with his family and do…dad stuff. Urban then got a gig with ESPN for a year, which enabled him access to such places as say…Oregon practices, where he could learn the Ducks offense from Chip Kelly so he could later use it for himself. Well isn't that just peachy?
Urban's retirement from coaching didn't last long, however. Ohio State came calling and the offer was too juicy to turn down. But before Urban could do so, his family hit him with a hefty contract that guaranteed he wouldn't let coaching get in the way from his life at home.
SORRY BOYS, I WILL BE LEAVING PRACTICE EARLY TODAY. THE WIFE IS MAKING SHEPHERD’S PIE AND THIS CONTRACT STIPULATES THAT I MUST BE IN ATTENDANCE.
Their quarterback: For the Buckeyes fans who self-banished themselves from college football following the injuries to Braxton Miller and J.T. Barrett, here's your new quarterback:
Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain't come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS -Cardale Jones
The Buckeyes are now one disaster away from having to put the towel boy in at quarterback. Here's the part where I address the Braxton Miller transfer rumors and begin the campaign to bring him to Eugene: Please, Braxton, you'd love Eugene! It rains a lot, but we have THREE Jimmy John's now.
Their conference: While the Big 12 and ACC jabs were fun, let it be known that the Big 10 is by far the worst of the power 5 conferences. It is also the one I despise the most. Only the Big 10 could allow a team on their third string quarterback to win the conference with relative ease. Ohio State still managing to dominate even in a down year means that they are going to win the Big 10 for the next thousand years, uncontested. Not even laser tag psychopath Jim Harbaugh is going to change that. The Big 10 is content living off its name and reputation, which is based entirely on how good it used to be. ESPN over joyously shoves the MYSTIQUE and TRADITION of the Big 10 down our throats. Ohio State wins solely because they're the least Big 10ish of all the Big 10 schools. The Buckeyes have adapted to the modern age of college football, whereas the likes of Iowa and Penn State still recruit like it's the days of Dick Butkus. I WANT HAWD NOSED KIDS! THAT KOWALEWSKI SHOR HAS AN EYE FOR THE FOOTBALL! Heart and grit are equally as important as 40 time and athleticism in their eyes, because lunch pail football requires intangibles, not just talent alone. This of course leads to the most boring brand of football ever conceived because, GROUND AND POUND, POWER I, OLD SCEW FOOTBAW. Big 10 fans dicks gets hard for 3-yard runs up the gut, and a 10-7 is for some reason a sought after outcome. 4th and 2 at their 40? We best punt and play it safe! And that history and tradition they flaunt is nauseating: Michigan's all-time wins they claim (most of which came from the leather helmet days), Penn State somehow believing having boring uniforms with as few colors as possible is some sort of virtuous deed, and Wisconsin folks preaching that all other college towns pale in comparison to the almighty Madison. Also, f#%k your Jump Around. I know Ohio State fans get a bad wrap for being the loud-mouthed Steelers fans of college football who jerk off to portraits of Jim Tressel in his scarlet sweater vest, but for some reason I find them mild compared to some of their Big 10 peers. The Midwest is no longer the cradle of football its fan base still sees it as. I don't care what the black and white films say. The region is about as futile in football talent as it is in manufacturing jobs. Ohio State wins because Ohio is the only state in the Midwest that actually produces talent, and the majority of those players land with the Buckeyes. Rinse, lather, and repeat. Worst of all, despite its spiral downfall, which has lasted for more than a decade, the Big 10 is still regarded with the same praise as it was in the '70s and '80s. Meanwhile, the Pac-12, which has steadily established itself as a top-two conference, gets pitted against Mountain West Conference teams come Bowl season. Although having an embarrassing out-of-conference schedule in the month of September, the Big 10 of course is rewarded with numerous bowl games against the SEC, and they're billed like it's Pacquao vs. Mayweather. If people think the SEC is ESPN's pride and joy, they are sadly mistaken. The SEC is just a mere fling, while the Big 10 is its one true love. The Big 10 is the Allie Hamilton to ESPN's Noah Calhoun (Notebook reference, HOMIE). Even ESPN pundits like Chris Fowler have admitted on air that they'd like to see the Big 10 succeed because a good Big 10 would be the most beneficial to ESPN and all of college football. All you other conferences can go to hell!
Key players, aka players to hate: ALL OF THEM. The Natty is on the line for shit's sake. Save your compassion and sportsmanship for Arkansas State.
Woody Hayes: I'm fairly sure every Buckeyes fan has a shrine of this man in their living room. Fun fact: Woody Hayes was fired from Ohio State for punching a Clemson player after he intercepted the ball from the Buckeyes. Seems like a reasonable response! Oh, and he also punched a cameraman. ZOMG WHAT A LEGEND.
Tattoo Gate: Leave it to Ohio State players to think free tattoos would be worth the risk of getting caught for NCAA infractions. How hard does this tat of my area code make me look?
What You Shouldn't Hate: Bobby Knight. It seems the Buckeyes have a knack for hiring coaches with anger issues. Big Bobby Knight fan right here. Sometime's when life get's rough, you need to chuck a chair to properly channel the rage.
10 of the worst Buckeyes ever:
Terrelle Pryor- Lost his job to Matt McGloin in Oakland. Currently the 4th string quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs.
Aaron Craft- Personified the annoying "over the top" hustle guy.
A.J. Hawk- Hearts broke all across the Midwest when A.J. Hawwwk decided to chawp off his lawng lawcks. The ponytail bro's are no longer a thing in Green Bay.
James Laurinaitis- Such a Big 10 name.
Chris Gamble- That wasn't a pass interference, and you know it.
Todd Boeckham- Do Buckeyes fans even like Todd Boeckman?
Greg Oden- Not a Blazers fan, but they should loath this man with every fiber in their bodies.
Ted Ginn Jr.- Which NFL team will be dumb enough overpay Ginn for his services next? (Exclusively includes kick off returns and punts out to the 20-yard line.)
Troy Smith- My 49ers were so pathetic in the mid-2000s (about to return to that same level), that I was actually thrilled to have Troy Smith as our starting quarterback at one point. I am very dumb.
Evan Turner- Another lottery pick Buckeye who turned out to be a bust in the NBA.
Enjoy the game, folks.