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From the Desk of SWOOOOOOOP

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In times of dire need, Swoop is here.

Southern Utah v Utah Photo by Gene Sweeney Jr/Getty Images

Hey y’all. Oregon is currently sporting a 3-7 record, and has been completely outclassed by USC and Stanford the last two weeks. With a road game against a tough Utah team, the odds of Oregon turning its fortunes around this weekend look bleak. Honestly, I didn’t really feel like writing this week. But I understand how much this space means to all of you. I couldn’t just take a week off. So I put in a call to a friend of mine, and he was happy to fill in.

OREGON FANS. QUACK ADDICTS. LESSER BEINGS.

IT IS I, SWOOP!

Washington v Utah Photo by George Frey/Getty Images

FEAR NOT, MY SEMI-AQUATIC BRETHREN, I DO NOT COME FOR MEANS OF INTIMIDATION OR TOMFOOLERY. THAT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL. YOU DO NOT DESERVE YOUR CURRENT QUANDARY, AND I PITY YOU.

YOUR BENEVOLENT MAN-SERVANT TAKO APPROACHED ME ABOUT SPEAKING TO YOU ON HIS BEHALF, AND, GRACIOUS AS I AM, I ACCEPTED HIS PROPOSAL OF 500 WORDS IN EXCHANGE FOR TWO JARS OF WHEY PROTEIN AND A BIG WHEEL WITH TASSELED HANDLEBARS AND MY NAME AIRBRUSHED ON THE BACK.

ALLOW ME TO SHEPHERD YOU BACK IN TIME TO 2004. I WAS A MERE LAD OF 8, ALREADY OMNIPOTENT AND EXTREME AS FUCK. UTAH FOOTBALL WAS EQUALLY AS EXTREME: THE FIRST BCS TEAM FROM OUTSIDE THE POWER CONFERENCES; SLAYER OF SUCH DRAGONS AS TEXAS A&M, PITT, AND WYOMING; LED BY URBAN OF HOUSE MEYER, THIRD OF HIS NAME. THE 2004 UTES WERE MAJESTIC, MAGNIFICENT WARRIORS OF WONDER. THE 2004 OREGON DUCKS LOST TO INDIANA.

AS A BARREL-CHESTED BIRD WITH A HANG GLIDER AND UNPARALLELED CONFIDENCE, I CAN BE TRUSTED WHEN I SAY: THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS. YOUR 2004 SEASON WAS FOLLOWED BY ELEVEN CONSECUTIVE BOWL SEASONS, TWO NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME APPEARANCES, AND FOUR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS. IT DOES NOT TAKE A MYTHICAL BIRD OF PREY TO RECOGNIZE SUCCESS.

THERE SEEMS TO BE A GREAT DEAL OF CONCERN REGARDING YOUR MARK HELFRICH. PERSONALLY I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO MEET THE SCIENTISTS THAT WERE ABLE TO GET A LOAF OF WHOLE WHEAT BREAD TO WALK AROUND AND COACH FOOTBALL. THEY HAVE SHOWN SKILL FEW HAVE DARED TO HARNESS. AS FOR HIS FUTURE AS YOUR FOOTBALL COACH, WHO IS TO SAY IF HE IS THE ONE TO REBOUND YOUR FLOUNDERING PROGRAM. I AM, OF COURSE, PRESCIENT, AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE FUTURE. LET’S JUST SAY, INVEST IN NON-PERISHABLE FOOD ITEMS. I WOULD OFFER TO COACH YOUR TEAM MYSELF, BUT I AM BARRED FROM COACHING ANY AMATEUR SPORTS AFTER THE UNFORTUNATE HELSINKI 1952 INCIDENT. I DO NOT REGRET THE THINGS I HAVE DONE, BUT THE THINGS I DID NOT DO.

YOU HAVE LITERAL TODDLERS IN YOUR STARTING LINEUPS, A CURIOUS DECISION. WERE 26-YEAR-OLD POST-MISSION MORMON GIANTS UNAVAILABLE? I HAVE FOUND IT BENEFICIAL TO INCLUDE SCORES OF GARGANTUAN PACIFIC ISLANDERS IN YOUR ROSTER. I RECOMMEND AT LEAST A BAKER’S DOZEN, MINIMUM. BUT THIS PLOY OF USING INFANTS IS ONE THAT INTERESTS ME GREATLY. AFTER ALL, CHILDREN GROW UP AND BECOME ADULTS OF GREAT SKILL AND EXPERIENCE.

REGARDLESS OF HEAD COACH, YOUR WATERFOWLIAN FOOTBALL TEAM HAS NOTHING TO FEAR. YOU MOVE BRISKLY, YOU WEAR CLOTHES MADE FROM THE FINEST FABRICS AND DYES, AND YOUR PALATIAL FACILITIES ARE RIVALED ONLY BY VALHALLA AND DISNEY WORLD. I SHALL NOT REVEAL THE OUTCOME OF SATURDAY’S GAME, THOUGH I ALREADY KNOW EVERY WINNER OF EVERY GAME THAT WILL EVER BE PLAYED. NO MATTER THE OUTCOME. I WISH YOU GOOD FORTUNE ON YOUR JOURNEY TOWARDS SPIRITUAL ENRICHMENT AND GAINS IN MUSCLE MASS. SWOOP, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

USC v Utah Photo by Gene Sweeney Jr/Getty Images