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Addicted to Quack Realigns College Football, Part 1

Football needs fixing, and we’re just the idiots to fix it.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Testifies On Anti-Doping Measures
I solemnly swear that we will be better at our job than this guy is at his.

Let’s face facts: college football has gotten stale. The powerful programs at the top are monopolizing championships, recruiting, and the media narrative, and it’s impossible for upstart programs like Oregon or Notre Dame to break through and win more than 4 games a season. It’s time to shake things up, and no one is better at fixing broken things than Addicted to Quack, dot com. Here are the rules:

  • This ten-person committee of smart people will be selecting their 12-team conferences in a snake-style draft format. We will be taking over the existing Power 5 and Group of 5 conferences, with conference affiliations to be chosen in reverse draft order; so, the #10 pick in the draft has first choice of what conference they would like to inherit.
  • Any college or university with a football is eligible to be drafted. If someone want to bring Eastern Washington or Harvard up to FBS, that’s their prerogative.

The Ten-Person Committee of Smart People is truly is the best and brightest ATQ has to offer.

(Don’t hit your head on that low bar.)

Let’s meet the commissioners, and hear their statements of vision for their conferences:

hoodriverduck - Football is too damn serious. So I'm making college football fun again. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes!

Sean Larson - For my conference, I'd want to keep it regional for starters. As someone who is 6'4", I hate long plane rides. And I'm 6'4", but weigh like a buck-sixty dripping wet. I can't imagine how awful it must be for a big offensive lineman to get crammed onto a plane for five hours. All my schools will be within a two hour flight of each other. Outside of that, I'd want a mix of teams. Maybe one or two powerhouses, but I also want some little guys that can fight every year for their 60 minutes of fame and a chance at an Appalachian State style upset that we'll be talking about for years to come.

doubleduck - The mission of the (name-yet-to-be-announced) Conference is to balance the goal of competing for championships with the goal of fostering development among those teams not previously included in the Power 5 Conferences. Previous Power 5 teams should be able to maintain expectations of winning at the highest level. Previous Group of 5 teams should be supported and provided an opportunity to raise their expectation levels to those of their Power 5 counterparts within our Conference.

AJR_425 - Our mission as a conference is to bring back the power that has gone missing in college athletics. Our schools will play the game with an intense power and style that have us competing for National Championships year in and year out.

Matt Takimoto - I want to rack up frequent flier miles traveling to pleasant and scenic locales, and I want my conference to have the most exciting football. That’s it. Academics are meaningless. Traditional rivalries are outdated. Regional adherence is overrated. Defense is a waste of time. Nice weather and touchdowns. Nothing else matters.

David Piper - Americans are tired of boring and dull. If the American people have made anything clear in the last year, its that they want flash and style over substance and competence. All the media pandering to boring ass Alabama and their 14-3 games is #FakeNews for losers. We're gonna be entertaining, and we're gonna make football great again.

Akili’s Heel - My conference will satisfy two related goals: Celebration of all that is wonderful about college football while simultaneously righting the greatest wrongs and injustices of college football.

Tony Piraro - Our mission is to build around greasy, fast speed. We may be undersized but we will pride ourselves in recruiting athletes over highly touted recruits. We will excel in being the most well conditioned conference in the nation. We prefer quickness and agility to strength and power. We will build our foundation around the final 15 minutes of a game, when the opposition begins to fatigue. Our men will shine their brightest when most are at their weakest.

To build a foundation solidified by the fastest athletes around.

This is our mission.

Rusty Ryan - College football is a regional sport before anything else and this conference is dedicated to picking the best locations from each one. Every away game will be a two-fer experience. You get a great location and college football.

Sean Goodbody - This conference is all about uniting the best college towns in America. Some of the so-called best college sports programs in the country are in secretly-awful towns. (We're looking in your direction, Notre Dame!) And so, our conference will reach out to the college towns where there are better places than Chili's to watch the game, and where there are more things to do at night than soak in your sanctimony about how much better and honorable your school's teams/players/coaches are than everyone else's.

We’ll be presenting this project in four parts, because we crave your sweet, sweet clicks. You just read part 1. Congratulations! Here’s what’s coming up in the next couple weeks.

Part 2 - The Draft, Rounds 1-4

Part 3 - The Draft, Rounds 5-12

Part 4 - The Wrap-Up