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Addicted to Quack Realigns College Football, Part 2

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The realignment draft begins, and goes off the rails almost immediately.

CFP National Championship Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

In case you missed part 1, where we explain the rules and procedures of this experiment, click HERE and read that first. Then come back here.

Our ten conference commissioners had their visions of a perfect conference set, had their draft boards at the ready, and were itching to get going. The only thing left for the owners was to get their draft order and conference names. And here they are! Since Sean ended up with the last pick, he got first choice of his conference.

10. Sean Larson, commissioner of the Pac-12

9. Rusty Ryan, commissioner of Conference USA

8. Matt Takimoto, commissioner of the Big XII

7. Sean Goodbody, commissioner of the newly-rebranded Mountain Best conference

6. David Piper, commissioner of the American Athletic Conference, because ‘MURICA, fuck yeah!

5. Alex Rider, commissioner of the Big Ten

4. doubleduck, commissioner of the Sun Belt

3. hoodriverduck, in his own words:

Fuck now I can't have the Sun Belt? Which is the best name not in a geographic sense but in that IT IS A BELT MADE OF A FUCKING STAR LIKE SOME INDIAN GOD WOULD WEAR WHILE DECAPITATING YOU WITH NINE HUNDRED SWORDS AT ONCE. This sucks.

OK, I'll take the MAC but only on the condition that I change its name to MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME CONFERENCE. Look, after all, I'm the commissioner and you're not. /politicsthread

2. Akili’s Heel, commissioner of the ACC. What does the ACC stand for, Akili’s?

Akili’s Heel: ACC, Actually Competent Conference; Almost Complete Conference; Absolutely Crazy Conference; Almost Cool Conference;

I'm not in love with any of these yet, I'll take suggestions.

Tako: Ass Clown Conference.

Larson: That’s the clear winner here.

doubleduck: No changing it now, it’s the Ass Clown Conference.

Goodbody: I read that and thought,

Akili’s Heel: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I became commissioner of the Ass Clown Conference.

1. Tony Piraro, commissioner of the SEC


Now that we’ve got our order and our conferences, it was time to get drafting. This being an Oregon blog, and considering the first commitment in his conference vision statement was to “build around greasy, fast speed”, there was only one logical choice for Tony’s first overall pick, right? Wrong.

#1 - Tony: Alabama

#2 - Akili’s Heel: Since Tony blatantly whiffed on the first overall pick of the draft for an Oregon Ducks blog, I will do my best to remedy that by selecting the University of Oregon Ducks with the second overall pick.

This fits with half of my mission statement, which is to celebrate all that is good with college football. With this pick I get Autzen, Shout, the Duck on a Harley, MM8, The Pick... I don't need to go on, do I?

Also, foreshadowing alert, the Ducks are kind of important for the other half of my mission statement, righting the greatest wrongs of college football.

Drafting early has its perks.

Tony - I want to show Saban what he is missing by running the least creative offense in football with the best athletes on the planet.

Hate away, boys.

#3 - HRD: I'm still flabbergasted by the first pick being not only not Oregon, but the anti Oregon. Tony, you're fired.

My mission is both fun and plagiarized, which is a rare combination. The only college with Moose as a mascot is Maine-Augusta and what the hell they don't even have a football program? But they have golf and bowling? This sucks, can I quit? No?

Whatever, I'll take WSU.

#4 - doubleduck: And a hush falls over the crowd. WSU? Are you tanking this year's draft for next year's draft? Is that a thing?

I'll take the money, recruiting base, Heismans (both valid and returned), and championships (both valid and vacated) that come out of Los Angeles, California. I am drafting USC.

#5 - AJR: Let's go Ohio State.

#6 - David Piper: I am going to attack today with enthusiasm unknown to mankind and pick the Michigan Wolverines.

#7 - Sean Goodbody: My conference is all about great college towns and also mountains and so 1 out of 2 ain't bad. Let's go Wisconsin and the fighting Madison residents.

#8 - Matt Takimoto: A modern powerhouse in a vacation destination, and arguably the most interesting program in the country? Gimme the U, baby! The 'Canes are the cornerstone of my new-look Big XII, the Conference of Unparalleled Swag.

#9 - Rusty Ryan: I'm very upset about losing Miami but my top pick remains. I'm going with the University of Texas-Austin. A cultural hub in the state that is like Portland, Eugene, and Salem all wrapped in one to go with a rich football heritage.

#10 - Sean Larson: I am furious that Dave stole my top pick with Michigan and his Lululemon tailored fit khaki swag. Despite my conference originally being based out West, I looked at the map of FBS schools and I'm not even sure I can field a half decent conference with the choices out there, SO WE'RE MOVING EAST! I remain committed to my mission state of no team having to fly more than a couple of hours for their games.

For my first pick, I'm taking Notre Dame. I'm a sucker for that NBC broadcasting rights money our conference will rake in.

#11 - Larson again: And for my second pick, I'm taking the heroes of the nation for slaying Alabama....the Clemson Tigers.

#12 - Rusty: I'll add the UCLA Bruins to the conference. With the other major team in LA gone the location has become scarce. The conference needs the TV money and a presence in one of the largest media markets in the world.

#13 - Tako:

BOOMER SOONER,

BOOMER SOONER,

BOOMER SOONER,

BOOMER SOONER!

...in case that wasn’t clear, I'm taking Oklahoma.

#14 - Goodbody: DUDE WAY TO SWIPE OU RIGHT FROM UNDERNEATH ME - GOD

Although I hate this fanbase more than anything, Tallahassee is a pretty sweet college town, and I hear that if you are good at sports, the police kind of overlook your bad habits.

I'll take Florida State.

First order of business: abolish the Tomahawk Chop. And change the mascot.

HRD: You people are the worst thing about sports.

Tako: What do you mean, you people?

DD: I think he means ‘Nole fans...and he’s not wrong.

Goodbody: The Mountain West Conference® is committed to fair play and good sportsmanship and will look into any complaints regarding fans of Florida State University, a valued member of our conference.

Tako: This might be a break point, Dave let me know he'll be on email blackout for a few days. Talk among yourselves.

HRD: BUT I NEED TO MAKE MORE JOKES

DD: Dave’s not here.

HRD: Just what do think you’re doing, Dave?

Goodbody: Can we just agree Dave would have drafted UMass and move on?

Rusty: I think Dave would be more of a Linfield guy.

#15 - Dave: I go on vacation for a few days and everyone freaks out. My brother coaches at Willamette, so if we're going NWC teams...

That said, hippie fucking northwesterners don't know shit about real 'MURICA. Know who knows about real 'MURICA? FLORIDA MAN. Besides, Harbaugh needs a place to take his team for spring break.

Give me the Florida Gators.

#16 - Alex: I’ll go with LSU.

#17 - doubleduck: Penn State. Al Lord is an asshole, by the way.

#18 - HRD: OK, reviewing the draft so far, you're all REAL MAN FOOBAW blueblood assholes who want to crush the soul of our beloved sport.

The Motherfucking Awesome Conference, on the other hand, is about fun. You know what's fun? 100 plays a game per team. You know what's fun? Grown ass men with angry rivalries. You know what's fun? Stupid trophies like the Little Brown Jug, the Platypus, and the Axe. You know what's fun? A coach that looks like Ryan Gosling.

If you guessed my next pick is Texas Tech, you're smart. If you guessed they'll be playing WSU on rivalry weekend for the Five Hookers trophy, you're somehow reading my mind or have had the Russians implant a probe in my brainstem.

TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS, AND THE CONTRACT FOR TUESDAY NIGHT DOUBLEHEADERS ON THE OCHO, IF YOU PLEASE.

Goodbody: We have no response. That was perfect.

HRD: My pick scared everyone away. I call that a win.

Akili’s Heel: I will admit to some anxiety thinking about following that pick without embarrassing myself.

DD: You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than taking Wazzu and Texas Tech. HRD has done all of us a fantastic service. Hat tip, HRD.

HRD: Like you wouldn't watch the Five Hookers Fistfight (TM). Also you think my third pick is any less fun you are sadly mistaken.

DD: I'm counting on it. I draft after you.

#19 - Akili’s Heel: What's great about college football? Rivalries. What's even better than rivalries, rivalries with big stakes, contrasting styles and contrasting fan bases. My first two picks have combined for 7 of the past 8 Pac 10 / 12 titles, and each of those titles has gone through the other school. Give me the ‘Furd.

First order of business: Oregon will be granted 1 future TD catch, of their choosing, that was clearly and correctly called out of bounds by the refs on the field in order to make up for past wrongs.

Second order of business: That stupid fucking tree is banished.

Third order of business: That stupid fucking band is banished.

I have killed two birds with one stone here, rivalries = good, this celebrates what is good about college football. Granting Oregon penance for past missed calls makes up for a historic wrong in the sport. Plus I'm getting rid of one of college footballs most egregious mascot mistakes and a really annoying band.

Boom.

#20 and #21 - Tony: This draft may last until bowl season.

In "fantasy" you can never allow personal feelings to dictate your decisions. Clearly, I have not. I despise Alabama and the SEC, but couldn't pass on their athleticism and prestige to build my foundation.

Continuing with my villainous trend, who is better suited to be my 2nd pick other than the WASHINGTON HUSKIES? I hate myself a lot right now. But honestly, who is scoring on this conference?

I will follow that pick with the man who was envisioned when designing my conference mission statement. LOUISVILLE please!

The Heisman Trophy winner Lamar Jackson is coming to a stadium near you.

Pander that.

HRD: I just puked in my mouth a little. Tony, you are officially dead to me.

Larson: Alabama followed by Washington? I'm not mad at you, Tony. I'm just disappointed.

#22 - Akili’s Heel: I'm taking Auburn, War Eagle!

This pick, like the last one, is about greatness and righting wrongs. Love or hate the SEC, they've got one thing in spades, and that's tradition. Tradition and it's associated rituals are a great thing about college football. We're getting Toomer's Corner, the Tiger walk and an SEC style tailgating tradition that starts on Friday evening before the game.

Now, as some of you may remember, Oregon and Auburn competed in a memorable football game a few years ago with a controversial ending. I don't think it's within the purview of a conference commissioner to change the result of national championship games, but I can adopt a formal conference resolution saying that Dyer was Down Goddammit, and require Auburn to formally apologize for that play, and so I will.

#23 - HRD: Another SEC behemoth, huh? Ok, I think I may need to start taking this more seriously. And nothing is more serious than terrorism. A small town in Kentucky was ripped asunder yesteryear by what is now known only as the Bowling Green Massacre. The town is home to one of college football's most exciting and rising programs. The tragic loss of an undisclosed number of souls led the team to reimagine its mascot in their honor. They envisioned a large red globule of what can only be the blood of the innocents with a permanent look of sheer horror in its eyes. The Western Kentucky Hilltoppers' sideline inspiration will now forever be known as Conway.

And so with all the solemnity and seriousness these circumstances dictate, with its third pick of the ATQ Fantasy College Football Redraft, the Motherfucking Awesome Conference selects Western Kentucky University. Godspeed, Bowling Green, Kentucky.

#24 - doubleduck: Though USC and Penn State have not competed for national championships in recent years, 2016 showed they are both on the upswing. And, they have both a historic pedigree (TRADITION!) and exceptional alumni base. The financial backing and viewership for these schools will help to boost the conference in ratings.

Additionally, they both have a great recruiting ground. USC has Los Angeles and the entire Southern California pipeline, while PSU can pull from Pennsylvania, the many surrounding east coast states, and Ohio. Both schools have demonstrated the ability to compete at the highest levels in recruiting.

Now, when talking about recruiting there is one state that comes to mind for just about everyone: the State of Texas. The Longhorns are off the board so I cannot select them. But, there is another school in Texas that ranks in the top 10 in terms of alumni association size, student body population, and endowment. (Being well-endowed is important, after all.) Yessir, I'm drafting the 12th man and the Aggies of Texas A&M. LIGHT THAT BONFIRE!

#25 - Alex: Going away from my power football philosophy and going to the power booster philosophy. Oklahoma State.

Larson: Dave is on the clock, so we'll see you all in a week?

Akili’s Heel: I think he picked Gonzaga, feels like they're football team is coming around.

HRD: Give him the Cleveland Browns. Although they are better suited to my MAC.

Dave: Well, I was gonna do it now....but maybe I will wait a week.

#26 - Dave: REAL 'MURICA doesn't have to be good, it just has to evoke an image of tradition. Current level of competence isn't a factor here. Also, NEED MOAR RIVALRIES. Georgia. Bulldogs.

#27 - Goodbody: I will take the Virginia Tech Fighting...Turkey. Things. Or hokies, or whatever.

Blacksburg is a kickass town, Va Tech is secretly good at a lot of sports year in and year out, and their stadium entrance is pretty intense.

Dave: Nothing screams losing the Orange Bowl like Virginia Tech.

Goodbody: That's, just, like...your opinion, man.

#28 - Tako: I've got my tropical destination locked up in Miami. Now I need some mountain property to go with it. I'm taking Colorado.

#29 - Rusty: Oh shit it's my turn.

Everyone knows that I'm a big rainbow warriors fan, which is why I'm proud to invite them into the conference. If we are talking locations I don't know one much better than Hawaii. My first task as commissioner is to get Hawaii on TV so a national hero doesn't have to broadcast and call games on Periscope.

HRD: Goddamnit. I finally got pipped. Hawaii was gonna be my fifth rounder. In better news, you're finally seeing the light.

#30 and 31 - Larson: Oh I can't tell you how I'm excited for these next two picks. My conference needs an All-American rivalry, the kind that the entire country rallies behind, the kind that gets its own dedicated day.

Give me Army and Navy. Oh, and there's a Pac-12 rule that says Donald Trump is not allowed to attend any conference games, even the one where we give out the Commander-In-Chief trophy.

#32 - Rusty: This is a fun fact. So a few years ago I was on Waikiki and went into the Honolulu Cookie Company. I ended up meeting the owner and at the time there were only two Honolulu Cookie Company shops off of the islands. I remember having seen one on an excursion to America's Playground. According to the owner, Las Vegas is the ninth island so they have two shops on the strip. Long story short I'm picking UNLV. Another great American city and the only major one that allows betting on sports.

Dave: This was going to be my next pick. UNLV with a brand new stadium. Sleeping giant.

Tako: STOP TAKING MY PICKS RUSTY!

#33 - Tako: Ugh, okay. After Rusty swiped Hawaii and UNLV out from under my nose, I need some more fun in my life. How about one of college football's best tailgates? I'm taking Ole Miss.

#34 - Goodbody: Give me the West Virginia Mountain Mama Mountaineers. WVU is a secretly good across-the-board athletic program, and I challenge you to name a more Animal House college tradish than burning a motherflipping couch.

HRD: Goddamnit, I was taking the couch burners.

#35 - Dave: I was upset that UNLV was swiped. I need another recruit rich warm American party destination. Give me Arizona State.

#36 - Alex: Ohio State will need someone to push them to a one point game every year. Going with Michigan State.

#37 - doubleduck: I've got SoCal with USC, the (north)east coast with Penn State, the south with Texas A&M. Now I need a midwestern school with a history of championships. My family would also disown me if I didn't select Nebraska. I'm going Big Red.

#38 - HRD: The conference leadership needs a motherfucking awesome place to hold meetings, preferably with motherfucking awesome beer and motherfucking awesome weather. San Diego State it is.

#39 - Akili’s Heel: In a pick almost purely for tailgate purposes, South Carolina. The best tail gate left according to this totally scientific Bleacher Report article I just skimmed.

#40 - Tony: Tradition and home field advantage play a pivotal role in college athletics. We can't avoid it.

For tradition, we are going the ROCKY TOP route with TENNESSEE.


There you have it, four rounds in. Tony won’t stop until he pisses us all off (and we haven’t even gotten to his fifth pick yet), HRD is thriving on a diet of only Red Bull and cocaine, Tako and Rusty seem committed to poaching all the party schools from each other, and the only commish that isn’t completely spreading out across the country is Sean Larson, who, much like the guy who always finishes second in a game of Risk by anchoring into Australia and refusing to move, is using the Pac-12 to lock down the football hotbeds of the Northeast. Rutgers, Boston College, and UConn are surely high on his draft board at this point.

Here’s one last look at the conferences so far; let us know how bad we are at this, and we’ll be back next time with the rest of the draft!

Tony’s SEC: Alabama, Washington, Louisville, and Tennessee

Akili’s ACC: Oregon, Stanford, Auburn, and South Carolina

HRD’s MAC: Washington State, Texas Tech, Western Kentucky, and San Diego State

doubleduck’s Sun Belt: USC, Penn State, Texas A&M, and Nebraska

AJR’s Big Ten: Ohio State, LSU, Oklahoma State, and Michigan State

Dave’s American Conference: Michigan, Florida, Georgia, and Arizona State

Sean Goodbody’s Mountain West: Wisconsin, Florida State, Virginia Tech, and West Virginia

Tako’s Big XII: Miami, Oklahoma, Colorado, and Ole Miss

Rusty Ryan’s Conference USA: Texas, UCLA, Hawaii, and UNLV

Sean Larson’s Pac-12: Notre Dame, Clemson, Army, and Navy