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Addicted to Quack Realigns College Football, Part 3

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SMU v Tulane Photo by Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images

Welcome to Part 3 of our great hypothetical experiment. If you missed Part 1, where we explain what the heck this all is, click HERE. If you missed Part 2, where Tony picked Alabama over Oregon (and picked Washington in Round 2), click HERE.

The first four rounds have come and gone, and all of us are bad at this.

-Tony’s just screwing with us
-Akili paired the Ducks with two of its nemeses and a Muschamp
-HRD has one Power 5 team and it’s Washington State
-doubleduck drafted his conference to succeed in 1992
-AJR is taking every school with “State” in its name
-Dave’s most exciting team is Arizona State
-Sean G’s conference is overrun with Noles
-Tako leads the country in Stoopses
-Rusty’s cornerstones are two of the most overrated teams in college football
-Sean L’s conference is borrrrrrrrrrring

Here’s the full list of where we all stand:

Tony Piraro’s SEC: Alabama, Washington, Louisville, and Tennessee

Akili’s Heel’s ACC: Oregon, Stanford, Auburn, and South Carolina

hoodriverduck’s MAC: Washington State, Texas Tech, Western Kentucky, and San Diego State

doubleduck’s Sun Belt: USC, Penn State, Texas A&M, and Nebraska

AJR_425’s Big Ten: Ohio State, LSU, Oklahoma State, and Michigan State

David Piper’s American Conference: Michigan, Florida, Georgia, and Arizona State

Sean Goodbody’s Mountain West: Wisconsin, Florida State, Virginia Tech, and West Virginia

Matt Takimoto’s Big XII: Miami, Oklahoma, Colorado, and Ole Miss

Rusty Ryan’s Conference USA: Texas, UCLA, Hawaii, and UNLV

Sean Larson’s Pac-12: Notre Dame, Clemson, Army, and Navy

Okay, let’s get to it!


Round 5, Pick #41 - Tony: Tradition and home field advantage play a pivotal role in college athletics. We can't avoid it. We will draft one of the best home field advantages in college, the smurf turf of BOISE STATE. Never forget:

HRD: Oh my God Tony. The entire commentariat is going to think you're trolling them.

doubleduck: He’s not?

Akili’s Heel: I almost picked Tennessee instead of Sakerlina, they might have been my next pick, damn it. Now I'll have to go back to the spreadsheet.

Oh yea, Tony, Fuck Boise State.

#42 - Akili’s Heel: We couldn't celebrate all that's great about college football without having representation from the state of Texas. You know what else is great about college football, incredible and impossible comebacks, I don't know if this particular school has ever made any inexplicable comebacks, but they could. They also play a fun offense and solid Defense (mostly in second halves, I hear). I'm taking TCU.

#43 - HRD: Hawaii and West F'n Virginia are still gone, huh? Unless someone wants to work a draft day trade...all reasonable offers will be considered. Part of me wants to take Cal, because the joint needs a little classing up. But honestly they'll just spend eternity looking down their noses at the Podunk Universities of the conference. Every degree holder in the history of Cal is really just a complete asshole, when you get right down to it.

So what is the opposite of Cal then? I need to find the Podunkiest of all Podunks for the MAC. But they still need to score points and have fun. Plus I have a mileage credit card, so I need to separate my conference geographically as much as possible. Louisiana Tech it is. Go umm Bulldogs? Also, without looking, anyone who knows what city it's in gets a year's supply of boner pills.

#44 - doubleduck: The mission statement of the Sun Belt includes bolstering the schools/programs that were previously not in the Power 5 conferences. One school has already done a solid job building itself and its reputation, especially recently. It also resides in the talent rich state of Texas, further strengthening the ability to recruit that state for our conference. And, with A&M in the conference, there is a rivalry just waiting to be born. Finally, with a student body population of over 40,000 and a large metro area to further sustain tv revenues, the University of Houston is a great addition to the Sun Belt.

Akili’s Heel: Houston is a good pick. And I believe Louisiana Tech is in the city of Tech, duh. I'll wait for the boner pillz.

#45 - AJR: I'm going to go with Arkansas. I need someone for LSU to hate. Plus this way we get to use Jerry Jones World for the conference championship game.

#46 - Dave: CROOTIN CROOTIN CROOTIN CROOTIN CROOTIN CROOTIN CROOTIN UCF.

Rusty: DAMMIT

#47 - Sean Goodbody: Continuing on our tour of the greatest college towns in America, let's go to Ames, Iowa, home of the Iowa State Cyclones.

(Was going to take the Hawkeyes, but Iowa State is way more fun.)

doubleduck: Veishea was canceled after 2014. Without that, ISU ain't the same. How anyone can claim Ames is more fun than Iowa City is beyond me.

Goodbody: I meant more like Iowa, despite their recently inexplicable 12-1 football season, is generally boring AF. Iowa City is good for one insane top-5 upset every few years, and a good bball squad.

dd: You mean on the field, not off it, I gather? Yes, the Hawks are the most snooze-inducing team in college football. Iowa City as a town, however? Way more fun.

#48 - Tako: I'm quite upset that elite vacation destinations like Hawaii, San Diego, and Las Vegas did not end up in the Big XII. But there's one more out there, and I'm not passing it up.

I hereby draft the Stanford of the Gulf Coast, the Big Easy's highest institution of learning, the Tulane University Green Wave.

Rusty: I WILL FIGHT YOU TAKO I WILL FIGHT YOU

Tako: I will trade you Tulane and a team to be named later for Hawaii and UNLV.

THE NEXT DAY

dd:

Goodbody:

Dave: He's going to pick UMass. Maybe Buffalo, but probably UMass.

Rusty: Whose pick is it?

HRD: LOLOLOLOLOL yours

Rusty: I will trade for Tulane and your next pick, with my next two picks.

Tako: Nah, I’m good. Make your pick.

#49 - Rusty: I’ll take Vanderbilt.

HRD: By the way I've hired Chazz Reinhold as my lieutenant commissioner so he's off the market. I would trade him for Hawaii though.

#50 and 51 - Sean Larson: The new Pac-12 is very conscious about its image, and I'm not talking about a PR perspective. We need some fashion in the conference. So, with my next pick, I take the Maryland Terps and their state pride helmets that are straight fire. If you don't agree with me, @ me, or meet me in Temecula.

And to open the 8th round, I need to pair Maryland up with a rival, so let's take Duke. This used to be one of the most entertaining rivalries in all of college basketball, and I want to bring that rivalry to the gridiron. At the very least, we'll just trick people into thinking it is a lacrosse game so fans actually show up. Of course, this means I'm going to want North Carolina with my next pick SO NOBODY RUIN MY FUN.

As you can tell, I'm trying to build this conference around rivalries. Therefore, I PROPOSE A TRADE! I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS ALLOWED BUT I'M TRYING IT ANYWAY. My proposal are below:

1. Trade Clemson to Dave and the AAC in exchange for Michigan. NBC called and says they want Notre Dame and Michigan for a new rivalry game where they play an arena football style game with no refs. Should be fun.

2. If Dave rejects said trade, I offer Clemson to the Sun Belt in exchange for USC. NBC wants Michigan first but they said they'll settle for the Trojans, so long as they don't break under pressure. Heh, I haven't made that joke since college.

Goodbody: OK RUSTY IS BACK ON THE CLOCK I AM TALKING LOUD

HRD: I'll trade you Chazz Reinhold and Conway, the Blood of the Innocents for Maryland. Also, 8th round? It was my understanding that there would be no math.

dd: Clearly, that was also the Pac-12's understanding as this is the 6th round.

Sean, I'm not even going to wait for Dave's response. The Sun Belt is keeping USC, it's money, and the Los Angeles recruiting base. If we had wanted Clemson over USC we would have taken Clemson with the 4th overall pick. We didn't.

And now it is Rusty's turn. See you all in 48 hours, after he picks Miami (Ohio) and realizes his new vacation time-share is in the wrong state.

Dave: I know Clemson is the defending national champion. I also know that nobody cares about Clemson. They have no national following. They give me nothing in recruiting that I don't already get better from Georgia. I passed on Clemson twice for a reason. I pass on them again.

#52 - Rusty: After taking one of the music hotspots in the country with Vanderbilt, embedded in Nashville, I'm going to take one of the other Goliaths. I'm taking the Georgia Tech Yellowjackets. A major college football team in Atlanta, which is going through quite the renaissance period. Georgia Tech is one of five college football teams that don't have "university" in the name.

#53 - Tako: Underrated city, great stadium, hot new head coach, and the idea of Miami playing a road game here in late November just makes me laugh. The Big XII is adding the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

#54 - Goodbody: Good pick. Minnesota. So hot right now.

Since my conference is the Mountain [B]est, I should probably pick a school that's in the actual mountains. Give me Colorado State. Ft. Collins is one of the best beer towns in the country - nay, world - and CSU is always a fun team to keep an eye on.

#55 - Dave: Okay, so California isn't America. Like at all. Its a bunch of communist hippie liberals. But the Bay Area is a great place for fans to visit, California has huge TV markets with lots of money, a huge alumni base, and, most importantly, a ton of recruits. Cal. Bears.

#56 - AJR: Virginia Cavaliers. Time to class this conference up a little bit, plus we could use the boost in academics.

#57 - doubleduck: Penn State is feeling pretty remote relative to the rest of the schools in the Sun Belt, at this point. I believe the Nittany Lions could use an instate rival. Plus, with the proximity to the State of Ohio, Pittsburgh can help to draw recruits from that area. There is also the added benefit of having Iron Mike Ditka's unique brand of crazy as an alum. Welcome to the Sun Belt, Pitt Panthers.

#58 - HRD: Up. Coming. Podunkier than Ruston, Louisiana (you all obvious failed geography). A mortal lock to wear brown and yellow.

Laramie. Motherfucking. Wyoming.

Goodbody: Ga Tech, Minnesota, Cal, UVA, Pitt, Wyoming. Nice run of picks. Some good mid-round value.

Dave: HRD wins the award for staying true to theme, but his conference is going to suck at football.

HRD: But the ad revenue from Tuesday night doubleheaders on the Ocho is going to make me RICH, BEEOTCH.

dd: I guess we know which conference the Iowa Hawkeyes will be scheduling to play in September.

Goodbody: On that note, it's worth noting that washington scheduled Montana, Rutgers, and Fresno State in the non-con.

Dave: I was thinking we know what conference Oregon State is going to lose to in September.

dd: Pretty good progress today. Akili's on the clock, then Tony has 2 picks, back to Akili, HRD, and then me. Let's round into the bottom half of the draft and keep that momentum going!

EIGHT HOURS LATER

Larson: And of course, after going rapid fire on picks all morning, we've come to a standstill as soon as we pointed out how fast we were moving along. It's like when someone at a baseball game mentions how fast the game is going by when it's 0-0 in the 6th, 90 minutes after first pitch. Then it goes to 16 innings.

#59 - Akili’s Heel: I'm taking a school that remains on the board while having a top 15 win total in the history of the program. They're consistently good, and a plucky underdog all at once. Yes, I'm taking UND, the University of North Dakota. This story will clearly help celebrate all that is good in college football. Small School, remote location, underdog story, hard fighters. Go Fighting Hawks!

HRD: We can take FCS schools? I've wasted SO MANY DRAFT PICKS.

#60 and 61 - Tony: This is going to be quick and painless with two purple people eaters: My first pick will be KANSAS STATE from the Big 12. Bill Snyder's boys could surprise this year. This next one is for my Dad who is a season ticket holder for NORTHWESTERN. Unfortunately, I never bought what he was selling on them. They aren't winning a national title anytime soon but this may be their most talented team in years. At this point, why not?! I'm a big fan of Pat Fitzgerald. Both these teams finish season inside Top 15... Welcome to the SEC

#62 - Akili’s Heel: That was your first good round yet Tony, congrats on two good mid round pickups.

You know what else is great about college football? Defense and special teams! I'm taking Utah. I get a BCS game victory and a consistent 8 - 10 well coached but uninspiring wins and they'll probably piss everyone off once a year by fucking up a national title run in a home stadium at about 2 miles of altitude.

#63 - HRD: Manufacturing rivalries is what conferences do. Western Michigan wears brown and come late November will be playing against brand new rival Wyoming in...wait for it...The Turd Bowl.

#64 - doubleduck: Penn State and Pitt now have a conference rivalry in the Sun Belt. And, along those lines it is time to renew an old rivalry for Nebraska. Residing in a state that many believe to just be a flyover, yet holds TWO big cities in KC and the Lou, Missouri adds a lot more viewers and revenue to its conference.

#65 - AJR: In the spirit of power football, the big ten selects Iowa.

#66 - Dave: Look, if there's one thing we know in REAL MURICA, its that athletics is infinitely more important than academics. Therefore, the AAC proudly selects the University of North Carolina, and will accommodate them by making classes completely optional.

dd: Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain't come to play SCHOOL classes are POINTLESS

Akili: /cardalejonesd

Tako: Is now a good time to tell Akili that North Dakota State is the good North Dakota school?

dd: I wondered when someone would spring the news.

#67 - Goodbody: If the Mountain Best is picking college towns, then it has to take the best college town still available. And that is Lawrence, Kansas, and the KU Rock Chalks. (I feel better about picking this crew since we destroyed their will in the E8).

Because nothing says "mountains" like Kansas.

HRD: That’s my mom's alma mater. And she'll have you know that "Mount" Sugarloaf towers over the Kansas plains at TWO THOUSAND feet.

#68 - Tako: After Rusty panic-picked Vanderbilt two rounds ago, I'll take the team from the superior Tennessee city before he has a chance to correct his mistake. The Big XII selects the Memphis Tigers.

Rusty: I did not panic pick Vanderbilt. Nashville is lovely.

Tako: As Spencer Hall said on a past Shutdown Fullcast, Nashville is a great city for people who have never been anywhere else.

dd: Well, they do have Marcus Mariota. He's kinda dreamy.

Dave: While I have heard that Nashville is highly overrated, I've also heard, repeatedly, that Memphis is one of America's biggest dumps.

HRD: CRAP ON ME SAM PONDER

EIGHT HOURS LATER

HRD: I'm sorry, I did not know that CRAP ON ME SAM PONDER would bring the draft screeching to a halt. IT IS THE WEEKEND DOOFUSES, LET'S GO

Rusty: I've been away from my computer since yesterday morning. Sorry. I'll make my pick in a couple hours.

Dave: He's gonna draft College of the Siskiyous. Weed is a great town.

#69 - Rusty: Arizona Wildcats

#70 and 71 - Larson: This is an extra special pick for me because it comes from the tunnels of Fenway Park as I'm at a Sox game before the marathon tomorrow.

First, I'll take the Central Michigan Chippewas. Mostly because of their name. But also because they have the chance to upset some of my powerhouse programs.

And with my next pick...everyone's favorite FCS turned FBS school, Appalachian State. Their sole purpose will be to ruin someone's season every September by blocking a late field goal.

HRD: App State was definitely in my next two choices. JERK.

#72 - Rusty: I'll take Boston College, which resides in one of my favorite cities, Boston.

#73 - Tako: I'm taking a school with a promising future ahead of it, and a proud history behind it. This school has one of FBS's most exciting and promising coaches in Dino Babers, and is a four-hour drive away from the bright lights of New York City. The Big XII takes Syracuse.

#74 - Goodbody: Lexington, Kentucky is a quasi-liberal bastion in the middle of a crazy-ass state, and by all accounts a pretty sweet place to go sample bourbon. Give me the Kentucky Wildcats. One of the best college basketball brands, and a now-consistent bowl-eligible football team (and former Rich Brooks stopping place). Well-rounded athletics program overall.

#75 - Dave: Michigan's looking pretty lonely up there in the Midwest in my conference. Of the Midwest options available, there is one option that is clearly the best football option, is also pretty good with the basketball, and lies in fertile recruiting ground. Its also in a BIG TIME REAL MURICAN CITY! Give me the Cincinnati Bearcats.

#76 - AJR: With new facilities on tap, I’m going with the Purdue Boilermakers.

#77 - doubleduck: USC cannot be the only California team in the Sun Belt. Now that Jeff Tedford is gainfully employed as the Head Coach of the Bulldogs, we're looking for Fresno State to have a resurgence. Welcome to the Sun Belt, Fresno State.

#78 - HRD: I'm going to continue with my theme of manufactured rivalries with a punchline. The Western Kentucky Hilltoppers have always looked down their noses the college in that other Bowling Green.

The highlight of rivalry week in the Motherfucking Awesome Conference will henceforth be known as the Bowling Green Massacre.

The MAC selects Bowling Green State University of Bowling Green, Ohio.

Goodbody: Dude. Yes. Bowling Green Massacre. Yes.

THE NEXT DAY

HRD: Paging Dr. Ass Clown. Dr. Ass Clown to the draft room, STAT.

Akili: My apologies, busy last night and early morning (no fix either!) I'll get to it tonight.

Rusty: You guys are going to love this. I'm out of the country Wednesday through Tuesday.

#79 - Akili’s Heel: Pop quiz, what's the top team from last years FEI that is still remaining. If you answered the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, you were right. Coincidentally, or not, this is my next pick. What's great about the Hilltoppers, besides a nonsensical team name and whatever the fuck this is:

Western Kentucky v UCLA Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

And my answer is, what else needs to be great? I'm grabbing a 10 win team with a red blob for a mascot that somehow represents whatever a hilltopper is, from a state where there aren't even hills. (don't correct me on this, it's better to just assume I'm right).

Also, I googled what a hilltopper is and got this: When you eat a huge meal and take a huge dump that reaches up to your ass. Then you become the hilltopper.

Thanks Urban dictionary!

Editor’s Note: at this point HRD alerted Akili’s to the fact that he took WKU a gazillion rounds ago. Unfortunately, he forgot to hit “reply all”, so the transcript of that conversation is unbeknownst to the rest of us. I’m sure he was very polite about it, and did not make a single lewd remark about any member of Akili’s Heel’s immediate family. Let’s continue, shall we?

#79 - Akili’s Heel: The good doctor pointed out that he apparently took the Hilltoppers way back in the third round. I did a search for "Western Kentucky" in the spreadsheet, and it wasn't there, apparently WKU is.

Moving on, by the same logic as before, except moving way further down the rankings, I'm taking Toledo. Now, technically, BYU is the next highest ranking team, but it's only one spot, and it's BYU. What's great about BYU? Exactly, nothing. What's great about Toledo? Well, they are the Rockets, for one thing, and this is pretty cool. I mean, it's not an inexplicable red blob, but rockets are cool. They're also a consistent winner at a small division and deserving of a chance at a big conference glory.

#80 - Tony: The talent is dwindling when the basketball schools dominate last two rounds. There are high school programs better than Kansas football.

I'm surprised nobody jumped on Willie Taggart's former team, SOUTH FLORIDA. I will gladly oversee his former stud "Winky" Flowers (aka Lamar Jackson 2.0) for him.


We’re two-thirds of the way through the draft! Let’s take a look at how each conference looks with four rounds to go.

Tony Piraro’s SEC: Alabama, Washington, Louisville, Tennessee, Boise State, Kansas State, Northwestern, and South Florida

Akili’s Heel’s ACC: Oregon, Stanford, Auburn, South Carolina, TCU, North Dakota, Utah, and Toledo

hoodriverduck’s MAC: Washington State, Texas Tech, Western Kentucky, San Diego State, Wyoming Western Michigan, Bowling Green, and Buffalo

doubleduck’s Sun Belt: USC, Penn State, Texas A&M, Nebraska, Houston, Pitt, Missouri, and Fresno State

AJR_425’s Big Ten: Ohio State, LSU, Oklahoma State, Michigan State, Arkansas, Virginia, Iowa, and Purdue

David Piper’s American Conference: Michigan, Florida, Georgia, Arizona State, Central Florida, Cal, North Carolina, and Cincinnati

Sean Goodbody’s Mountain West: Wisconsin, Florida State, Virginia Tech, West Virginia, Iowa State, Colorado State, Kansas, and Kentucky

Matt Takimoto’s Big XII: Miami, Oklahoma, Colorado, Ole Miss, Tulane, Minnesota, Memphis, and Syracuse

Rusty Ryan’s Conference USA: Texas, UCLA, Hawaii, UNLV, Vanderbilt, Georgia Tech, Arizona, and Boston College

Sean Larson’s Pac-12: Notre Dame, Clemson, Army, Navy, Maryland, Duke, Central Michigan, and Appalachian State

Next time, we’ll finish up with the last four rounds of the draft, and you’ll want to stay tuned for that one because anything is possible.