Dishing Quack: Saving ATQ

Its no secret that times have been tough recently at ATQ. Leadership changes along with disappointing basketball and football seasons culminating in the surprise resignation of Willie Iscariot Taggart have had the inevitable impact on readership and participation.

FORTUNATELY, I have a Masters degree in blah blah blah some business thing, so I’m totally qualified to undertake the ATQ Business Recovery Plan. I have developed a detailed 32 point recovery plan, including a white paper complete with charts and infographics that are guaranteed to right this sinking ship. However, because a recent Nielson market study found that 98.3% of frequent ATQ readers are complete morons, I have boiled the whole thing down to One Strategy to Rule Them All - simplified so that even #nolefanhere might understand.

Better Click Bait

“This One Simple Trick has Pac12 Coaches Infuriated!”

“She thought it was going to be a normal Duck article, but what she saw next SHOCKED her!”

“23 times Mario Cristobal cheated Death – You won’t believe #17!”

You get the picture.

Kittens and Puppies

Simply put, kittens and puppies have the ability to break the internet. From this point forward, every Quack Fix should include a title photo of kittens or puppies. Get on it, Akili.

Every great company needs a great spokesperson.

Tony the Tiger, Suzy Chaffee, Michael Jordan, Joe DiMaggio. Their names alone evoke the products they pitch and the companies for whom they made millions. Donald Duck would clearly be first in line to be ATQ SpokesDuck but for one minor detail – He does not speak a word of English. So until Donald makes use of his Rosetta Stone subscription, who should be ATQs Spokesperson? Let’s review the candidates.

• Joey Harrington

o Pros – Captain Comeback and all-time great Duck; Could potentially compose ATQ theme music on the piano.

o Cons – Didn’t marry me back in 2002 when he had the chance.

• Vince the ShamWow Guy

Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images for Alison Brod PR

o Pros - Sure you hate him, but you know you want to buy some wildly absorbent towels.

o Cons - Slap Chopping prostitutes might not be best look for our brand.

• 8-Ball the Clemson Tiger

o Pros – High energy; Built in fanbase

o Cons – Doesn’t actually speak; Frightens children; Rumored cocaine addiction

• The Most Interesting Man in the World (Version 1)

Photo by Eugene Gologursky/Getty Images for Dos Equis

o Pros – Sexy accents sell stuff; If he can sell shitty beer to the world, he can sell ATQ to a bunch of drunk, unwashed college football fans.

o Cons – Might not find ATQ interesting enough to promote when compared to cliff diving, Formula One racing and flying the space shuttle.

• William Shatner

Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images

o Pros – MFing Captain Kirk; Not doing anything else

o Cons - Twitter feed can’t hold a candle to Sulu’s

A great slogan can fix the shittiest of organizations.

I have 1000 Points of Light, and I promise No New Taxes because It’s the Economy Stupid. We’re going to Double our Pleasure and Double our Fun on ATQ because It’s Grrrrreat!! It’ll Taste Great but be Less Filling. We’re gonna Keep Hope Alive and bottom line, we’ll Just Do It. Get my point? IT’S ALL IN THE SLOGAN.

Fortunately, we’re pretty good at slogan making, as evidenced by our proud history of really stupid and useless sayings. But, it’s time for a fresh approach. We need something that is really going to grab people’s attention, invite them to visit ATQ and stay a while. So, like any good business too lazy to do their own work, we’re going to hold a contest.

Drop your best ATQ slogan in the comments below. Our celebrity panel (me) will review all submissions and select The Next Great ATQ Slogan by EOD Wednesday. Winner will receive 10 coveted Keg Stickers and $100 Gorby bucks to spend on ATQ products of your choice! Act Now, don’t let this opportunity pass you by!