Welcome to the first of many
We all know Oregon is the best school with the best fans, atmosphere and mascot, so in this weekly article we will rank the other PAC-12 schools in a plethora of categories. Think of it like a power ranking, but incredibly biased, and fueled by pettiness, insecurity, hate and fear. Rest assured, the huskies will always be ranked at the bottom of the bottom.
*this is a contest for the furries, live mascots are but a small factor.
No. 11 - Harry the husky
This hapless husky takes his rightful place at the bottom of our countdown. Mundane mascots will be docked points for their lack of creativity. This mutt is what the teenagers would call “basic”. One thing’s for sure, harry is a very, very bad dog!
No. 10 - Tommy the Trojan
Tommy is the only human in the bunch; he’s also the only mascot that looks like his fan base - wealthy bros. At some point, USC forgot that mascots exist to entertain children and drunken adults. Does anyone really want to hangout with this smarmy, cape-wearing, frat boy? Can we just make Will Ferrell the official USC mascot already?
No. 9 - Butch T. Cougar
This generic looking cougar somehow duped the 2006 Capital One voters to elect him Mascot of the Year.
No. 8 - Swoop the Eagle
Swoop! Here he is! Forget about the fact that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of eagle mascots in the world, there is already a more famous eagle mascot named Swoop! The Philadelphia Eagles have long celebrated their faithful companion Swoop the Eagle, while Utah is one of the many schools that decided to do the right thing and ditch their Native American caricature for an anthropomorphic creature (looking at you FSU.)
No. 7 - Oski the Creepy Bear
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, Oski looks like a bear who skinned another bear and is wearing said skin over his own skin. His eyes are reminiscent of University of Washington alumnus Ted Bundy, and he shuffles around a court or field like an awkward child during gym class (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Below is a video of Shelley Duvall discovering Oski in a creepy house.
No. 6 - Josephine and Joe Bruin
While there’s nothing original about a bear mascot, a bear couple is something noteworthy. Not since Yogi and Boo Boo have we seen such a grizzly power couple. These two clearly run with the L.A. elite. However, there are hints of trouble in paradise, as Josephine and the Duck were coyly flirting during the PAC-12 Women’s Basketball tournament in Seattle.
No. 5 - Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat
If the loveless marriage of Josephine and Joe Bruin represent high society, then the red-hot romance between Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat represent unabashed, blue-collar livin’. But the happily married couple came from not-so-happy beginnings.
As the Arizona site notes,
In 1915, the freshmen football team purchased a real bobcat to be the university’s first mascot. He was named “Rufus Arizona” ...
On April 17, 1916, Rufus died. The Arizona Wildcat reported that “while endeavoring to perform gymnastics stunts in the limbs of a tree to which he was tied, Rufus Arizona . . . fell and was hung.”
Is it possible the Wildcats murdered Rufus to claim his spot? Are they the Bonnie and Clyde of the PAC-12? We’ll never know, and maybe it’s better that way.
No. 4 - Benny the Beaver
Though an ancient rival of the Duck, Benny the Beaver deserves props for his originality and resilience. Benny beat out live mascot Jimmie the Coyote to become OSU’s official mascot, though perhaps he now wished he didn’t.
There are only a few schools in the country with a beaver as a mascot, none of which have to suffer through the torments that Benny witnesses on a regular basis. Imagine being forced to cheer on Oregon State football year after year, forever pretending that this is the year they fight their way to relevancy.
We wouldn’t wish that torture on our oldest enemy- which happens to be the beavers.
No. 3 - Chip the Buffalo
Chip is cute, original, and gets a huge boost due to his living counterpart, the real Ralphie the Buffalo. Who could hate this guy? He looks like a young, less-depressed Snuffleupagus. Although we shouldn’t count live versions of a mascot in our scoring, let’s watch one of the best things in college football- a Ralphie run!
No. 2 - Sparky the Sun Devil
Sparky has it all: originality, a mustache, a goatee, vibrant colors, horns, demonic powers, and a pitchfork! He doesn’t care if the team goes 12-0 or 0-12. Most mascots want to cheer their team to victory, but Sparky’s playing the long con, he wants your soul.
No. 1 - The Stanford Tree
I think I’m gonna get a lot of guff over this one from Duck fans, but the Stanford Tree in its many forms is the second best mascot in the PAC-12. Ask yourself, is there a better representation of this conference than this mangled, half-assed monster?
The Tree seemingly uses none of its plentiful resources to improve itself, it constantly makes a fool of itself through uninspired performances, it doesn’t give a crap about providing an entertaining product for its few fans, and every once in awhile, an unenthused puppet master becomes painfully apparent as the monstrosity jumps around pretending to be engaged.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve found our replacement for Larry Scott.
Who is the second best PAC-12 mascot?
This poll is closed
Tommy the Trojan
Butch T. Cougar
Swoop the Eagle
Oski the Creepy Bear
Joe and Josephine Bruin
Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat
Benny the Beaver
Chip the Buffalo
Sparky the Sun Devil
The Stanford Tree