Sports What Ifs

What if... they make the Oregon-TCU Alamo Bowl movie?

God, help us all!

By AdamChimeo May 13, 2020, 10:36pm PDT

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One of the darkest moments in Oregon football history was bought by one of the most family-friendly, evil corporations in Hollywood. Soon after TCU defeated Oregon in the 2016 Alamo Bowl by coming back from a 31-point deficit, Disney announced that they bought the rights to the “feel-good” story.

Now that the game is a distant memory for most college football fans (and a repressed nightmare for Duck fans), it’s unlikely that the Mouse would open up the vault to dust off this kooky, obscure game. However, on the off chance that they do, maybe in an effort to bring some original content to Disney Plus, perhaps it’s time that ATQ prepares itself for a film that casts the UO football team in a role similar to the Icelandic hockey team in Disney’s D2: The Mighty Ducks.

So, what will this movie be named?

The Last Play of Big Play VA, Kohlhausen? Walk-On Savior? Down 31? Remember the Alamo Bowl? The Texas Horned Frog Massacre? Diary of a Dead Duck? The Importance of Having a Center?

All of these are suitable names, but for our sake, let’s hope it’s something forgettable.

And now we need some star power. Who will be cast in the film? And who will direct this Disney schlock? How about a director who literally directed a movie called Schlock?

Directed by John Landis

In 1978, Landis made a name for himself and the University of Oregon by directing the hit college comedy Animal House, filmed at the UO. Perhaps his nostalgia for the Ducks will cast a warm light on Mark Helfrich’s squad. With such beloved comedy classics as The Blues Brothers, Trading Places, Clue, Spies Like Us, Three Amigos, and Coming to America, Landis should be able to find the dark comedy of Oregon’s second half performance. And his experience in the horror genre (An American Werewolf in London, Thriller) will come in handy when depicting Doug Brenner’s snaps.

... also, his last seven movies have been either critical failures, box-office failures, or both. Again, we want this movie seen by no one.

Michael Kelly as Mark Helfrich

Michael Kelly usually plays despicable characters, like his roles in Dawn of the Dead, and House of Cards, so it’ll be a stretch to play nice-guy Mark Helfrich. But as long as the actor gives it 997%, things should work out.

Richard Kind as Gary Patterson

It’s true, Richard Kind has next to nothing in common with Gary Patterson. However, watching this great comedic actor go from a 31-point deficit to a triple-overtime victory, all thanks to a costume change, would almost make the existence of this torture porn worth it.

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Chris Pratt as Bram Kohlhausen

The most likely incarnation of the film would be a heartwarming tale of a fifth-year walk-on quarterback taking on the Nike-fueled villains in fancy uniforms (barf). Bram Kohlhausen gave an Oscar-worthy performance in the Alamo Bowl, sacrificing his body and connecting in enough key moments to upset the Ducks.

Christ Pratt has been shoved down America’s throat ever since he blew up as Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation and then slimmed down to become Star lord on Guardians of the Galaxy. Hopefully, this performance will sink both Pratt’s career and this movie.

Allen Maldonado as Vernon Adams Jr

Maldonado rose to fame on the TV shows Black-ish and The Last O.G. It’s a thankless job, but maybe he’d be down to play Big Play VA. He’d only have to wear the full football gear for half the movie, and he has the talent to carry the cast, just like Vernon Adams Jr.

Billy Crudup as Matt Lubick

Crudup has already played the great Steve Prefontaine in Without Limits, and starred in a film called Youth in Oregon, so perhaps he’d be down with playing Matt Lubick as he attempts to salvage a 31-point lead in his debut as Oregon’s OC.

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Tracy Morgan and Will Ferrell

as Don Pellum and Dan Fouts

and Donald Duck as The Duck

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