Addicted to Quack Looks at the Coaching Candidates

So many names have already been bandied about in the 24+ hours since He Who Shall Not Be Named left for the University Once Known as Relevant, but what do we really KNOW about them? Yours truly takes a deep dive into their backgrounds (well, I Googled them), and finds out what they’re really about.

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Dave Aranda

Head coach, Baylor Bears

Age: 45

Coaching record: 13-9

Pros: West Coast roots; turned 2-7 doormat in 2020 into 11-2 powerhouse in 2021; attended Cal Lutheran (and who wants to go back THERE?); defensive background; Texas recruiting links; Big-12 about to implode.

Cons: Only two years experience as head coach; has large extension from Baylor awaiting his signature; it’s Baylor, FFS.

Miscellaneous: Likes to greet recruits sucking a lollipop while calling out, “Who loves you, baby?”.

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Kalani Sitake

Head Coach, BYU Cougars

Age: 46

Coaching Record: 48-28

Pros: West Coast roots; proven winner, has led BYU to back-to-back 10+ win seasons; Poly heritage potential boon to recruiting; actually beats Utah; could kick your coach’s ass.

Cons: Already at his ‘dream school’— and BYU Athletic Director Tom Holmoe has him chained to a LaVell Edwards Stadium goalpost and won’t let him leave; even Joe Salave’a is frightened of him.

Miscellaneous: Served his LDS mission in the third-world nation of Oakland, California.

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Chip Kelly

Head Coach, UCLA Bruins

Age: 58

Coaching Record: 64-32 (college), 28-35 (NFL)

Pros: Already knows way around Eugene; won’t be leaving for the NFL anytime soon; school would save money on gear, what with all the Oregon visors left over from his first run; UCLA athletic department would probably help him pack.

Cons: Fresh as week-old bread; hates recruiting, hates glad-handing boosters, contentious with the media, otherwise the perfect college coach; offensive philosophy so dated even Nick Saban runs it.

Miscellaneous: spends off-season in search of his long-lost neck.

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Justin Wilcox

Head Coach, Cal Bears

Age: 45

Coaching Record: 26-28

Pros: OREGON MAN; West Coast roots; would probably pay Oregon to come coach there; potential team sleep-overs at Mom’s house in nearby Junction City.

Cons: He coached at Washington; meh record, meh resume, meh, meh, meh. DID I SAY HE WAS AN OREGON MAN?

Miscellaneous: Applied for trademark of ‘Lascivious Lip-Licking Football Coach’ meme.

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Chris Petersen

Former Head Coach, Washington Huskies

Age: 57

Coaching Record: 147-38

Pros: Available; extremely successful coach; Oregon ties; hiring would piss-off Husky fans.

Cons: He coached at Washington AND Boise Community College, FFS; about as exciting as lime Jello, as spicy as dry toast; he coached at Washington.

Miscellaneous: Hobbies probably include stamp collecting and gardening.

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Matt Campbell

Head Coach, Iowa State Cyclones

Age: 42

Coaching Record: 77-48

Pros: Led program to only third 9-win season and first NY6 bowl in 2020, kicking Mario Cristobal’s ASS in the Fiesta Bowl, 34-17; young, in demand; Ames makes Eugene look like Paris.

Cons: Just signed YUUUGE contract extension; no West Coast ties; Cyclones fell to 7-5 in 2021; would probably run to Ohio State if called.

Miscellaneous: Finished 3rd in the 2018 Iowa State Fair Pie Eating Contest.

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Lane Kiffin

Calvin Mattheis/News Sentinel / USA TODAY NETWORK

Head Coach, University of Mississippi Rebels

Age: 46

Coaching Record: 76-41 (College), 5-15 (NFL)

Pros: West Coast ties; led University of Mississippi to its first 10-win regular season in 2021; something of an offensive mastermind; solid nipple game.

Cons: In running with Chip Kelly for record of Most Fan-Bases Left Pissed Off; just signed contract extension (though MS state law forbids state employee contracts of more than four years in length); just might leave for another program at any given time.

Miscellaneous: Voted Most Likely to Be Punched in the Face as a senior at Bloomington Senior High School.

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