So many names have already been bandied about in the 24+ hours since He Who Shall Not Be Named left for the University Once Known as Relevant, but what do we really KNOW about them? Yours truly takes a deep dive into their backgrounds (well, I Googled them), and finds out what they’re really about.
Head coach, Baylor Bears
Coaching record: 13-9
Pros: West Coast roots; turned 2-7 doormat in 2020 into 11-2 powerhouse in 2021; attended Cal Lutheran (and who wants to go back THERE?); defensive background; Texas recruiting links; Big-12 about to implode.
Cons: Only two years experience as head coach; has large extension from Baylor awaiting his signature; it’s Baylor, FFS.
Miscellaneous: Likes to greet recruits sucking a lollipop while calling out, “Who loves you, baby?”.
Head Coach, BYU Cougars
Coaching Record: 48-28
Pros: West Coast roots; proven winner, has led BYU to back-to-back 10+ win seasons; Poly heritage potential boon to recruiting; actually beats Utah; could kick your coach’s ass.
Cons: Already at his ‘dream school’— and BYU Athletic Director Tom Holmoe has him chained to a LaVell Edwards Stadium goalpost and won’t let him leave; even Joe Salave’a is frightened of him.
Miscellaneous: Served his LDS mission in the third-world nation of Oakland, California.
Head Coach, UCLA Bruins
Coaching Record: 64-32 (college), 28-35 (NFL)
Pros: Already knows way around Eugene; won’t be leaving for the NFL anytime soon; school would save money on gear, what with all the Oregon visors left over from his first run; UCLA athletic department would probably help him pack.
Cons: Fresh as week-old bread; hates recruiting, hates glad-handing boosters, contentious with the media, otherwise the perfect college coach; offensive philosophy so dated even Nick Saban runs it.
Miscellaneous: spends off-season in search of his long-lost neck.
Head Coach, Cal Bears
Coaching Record: 26-28
Pros: OREGON MAN; West Coast roots; would probably pay Oregon to come coach there; potential team sleep-overs at Mom’s house in nearby Junction City.
Cons: He coached at Washington; meh record, meh resume, meh, meh, meh. DID I SAY HE WAS AN OREGON MAN?
Miscellaneous: Applied for trademark of ‘Lascivious Lip-Licking Football Coach’ meme.
Former Head Coach, Washington Huskies
Coaching Record: 147-38
Pros: Available; extremely successful coach; Oregon ties; hiring would piss-off Husky fans.
Cons: He coached at Washington AND Boise Community College, FFS; about as exciting as lime Jello, as spicy as dry toast; he coached at Washington.
Miscellaneous: Hobbies probably include stamp collecting and gardening.
Head Coach, Iowa State Cyclones
Coaching Record: 77-48
Pros: Led program to only third 9-win season and first NY6 bowl in 2020, kicking Mario Cristobal’s ASS in the Fiesta Bowl, 34-17; young, in demand; Ames makes Eugene look like Paris.
Cons: Just signed YUUUGE contract extension; no West Coast ties; Cyclones fell to 7-5 in 2021; would probably run to Ohio State if called.
Miscellaneous: Finished 3rd in the 2018 Iowa State Fair Pie Eating Contest.
Head Coach, University of Mississippi Rebels
Coaching Record: 76-41 (College), 5-15 (NFL)
Pros: West Coast ties; led University of Mississippi to its first 10-win regular season in 2021; something of an offensive mastermind; solid nipple game.
Cons: In running with Chip Kelly for record of Most Fan-Bases Left Pissed Off; just signed contract extension (though MS state law forbids state employee contracts of more than four years in length); just might leave for another program at any given time.
Miscellaneous: Voted Most Likely to Be Punched in the Face as a senior at Bloomington Senior High School.
Who Would You Select?
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